The Blôgüle

State of the Union

2010-01-27T20:57:00.003-05:00

For those that missed it...

President Obama called the Democrats a bunch of pussies for bitching about a nine seat majority in the Senate, he gave the Republicans a choice between coming up with some worthwhile ideas and shutting the fuck up, and he chastised the Supreme Court for RUINING OUR DEMOCRACY.

The rest was a combination of brilliant rhetoric, boring policy, and, to quote somebody very dear to me, "superfluous applause."

"Asautomatic Spending"

2010-01-25T20:59:00.003-05:00

I'm a person that stops reading when I see an unfamiliar word. First, I look at the context clues to see if I can figure it out. If that doesn't work, I google it and find the meaning. Most of the time, I learn a new word. Sometimes, however, I'm not so lucky.

Take this article for instance. After working a full day on very little sleep, most of my cognitive processes have slowed down significantly. So much so that when I read the sentence,

"That spending spurt reflected both the first outlays from the president's $787 billion stimulus package as well asautomatic spending for unemployment compensation and food stamps that is triggered during the downturns,"

I immediately googled "asautomatic spending" to see what it meant instead of just laughing at "spending spurt" like a normal person.

It turns out that "asautomatic spending" is a technical term used on Wall Street that refers to bank dividends being subdivided by subprime mortgage lending loans...

..or it means I need to go to bed early tonight.

What do you think "Asautomatic Spending" means?

How to: Deal with your Boss (Part 1)

2010-01-23T18:10:00.003-05:00

Maybe you just got a phone call from your cat-sitter.

"Mr. Nibbles is sick, come home immediately!"

Maybe, like me, you needed to drive an hour and a half from your workplace to Philadelphia to catch a hockey game with your girlfriend, and that required leaving a half hour early.

Or, maybe, it's been a long week and you want to hit the crack pipe a couple hours early.

Whatever the reason, here's how you DON'T do it:

"Um, excuse me Mr. Boss, sir. Would it be okay if, maybe, I can get off a little early today? Mr. Nibbl-I mean, MY GRANDMOTHER, is really really sick."

His Anwer: "ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY, JOHNSON! We are behind quota, extra busy today, and I don't like you because your pants smell like Meow Mix! Better yet, YOU'RE FIRED!!!

Here's how you DO do it:

"Hey, boss, I'm leaving at 4:30 today."

His answer: "Okay, and?"

"Just thought I'd let you know."

"Keep up the good work. By the way, are you aware that your pants emanate the refreshing smell of my favorite cat food, Meow Mix? *sings*I like chicken, I like liver, Meow Mix Meow Mix, please DE-LIV-ER! Here's a cash bonus, drinks are on me tonight, Johnson!"

A Personal Case for Health Reform

2010-01-16T11:17:00.004-05:00

I purchased my first health insurance policy several weeks ago, and, today, the big (screw you!) packet came in the mail from Horizon Blue Cross Blue Shield.

Author's Note: When three corporations merge and, with their teams of market research analysts and billions of dollars, can't come up with a better idea for their name than to just tack together the three original names (Even I could come up with /'s, Horizon/Blue Cross/Blue Shield, see how that flows?), consider that corporation evil. I'm looking at YOU Time Warner!

Anyway, here's what I learned about my health insurance policy (which will set me back $128.45/month):

Insane Fact #1- I'm not covered outside the state of New Jersey.

Let's say I'm rock climbing in Utah when a large boulder crushes my arm and I have to saw it off to survive. Instead of walking to the nearest hospital, I'd, theoretically, have to hike ALL THE WAY TO NEW JERSEY for them to reattach it and/or give me a badass gun arm.

Insane Fact #2- They can raise my premiums at any time for any reason.

And I quote:

"We have the right to prospectively change Premium rates as of any of these dates:

a) any Premium Due Date;

b) any date that the extent or nature of the risk under the Policy is changed"

Um..wait a minute. Wouldn't me getting sick or hurt change the "nature of the risk of the Policy"?

Let me get this straight. I pay $128.45 every month for 11 months, then I get Lupus. If I go to the hospital for my Lupus, they can, theoretically, raise my rates to a point where I can't afford them, then just drop me from the Policy mid-treatment?

Nice...

Insane Fact #3- I can only be admitted to the hospital for 90 days per calendar year.

FADE IN. A Hospital Waiting Room. A grief stricken mother, looking sullen and tear-stained, sits next to a vending machine with "Coca-Cola" displayed prominently (where else do we get funding for this movie?). A man in a white coat holding a clip board walks up to her.

DOCTOR: Ma'am, I have some good news.

The mother looks up, a ray of hope lighting her eyes.

DOCTOR: I know that your son has been in a coma for the last 89 days, but a recent medical breakthrough will allow us to save him. We need to keep him for another three days to prepare for the tests and operation, but that shouldn't be a probl- Oh wait. Nevermind. Ma'am, why don't you go take one last look at your son, we are going to have to pull the plug.

MOTHER: DAMN YOU HORIZON BLUE CROSS BLUE SHIELD!!! DAMN YOU TO HELL!!!!!!

Camera spirals outward as MOTHER drops to her knees and looks up at the sky shaking her fists. FADE OUT.

The Powers of Persuasion

2010-01-11T22:24:00.002-05:00

Tonight, I ate dinner with my parents, my little sister, Katie, and her boyfriend, Eric. We had pork chops, rice, peas, and corn. About halfway through, Katie noticed that Eric only had rice on his plate.

"What are you doing," she asked, her eyes flicking subtly upward.

"Eating," he replied.

Eric is a man of many words.

"Why aren't you eating rice or peas," she asked.

"I will," he said, "I just like eating one thing at a time."

"That's stupid," she said, turning to me an expectant look in her eye. She wanted me to side with her.

"Katie," I said, "If you want somebody to do something, you need to be more convincing. Telling somebody that they are stupid will never convert them to your cause."

She gave me an angry look.

Turning away, I said, "Eric, you might think that you only like to eat one thing at a time, but I guarantee that every chef on the Food Network would disagree with you, as one of life's real treasures is discovering new culinary combinations of flavor, texture, and color. Do yourself a favor and watch the movie Ratatouille, especially the scene where Patton Oswalt describes the beauty of mixing flavor combinations by comparing them with fireworks."

A minute later, Eric was mixing peas and corn into his rice.

Some statistics

2010-01-04T19:31:00.003-05:00

How often do you read books?

I read (roughly) one book, cover to cover, per month. That means twelve books per year. That means, by the time I'm dead, I'll have read 900 books.

I say this because, right now, I'm reading Dune by Frank Herbert, and it's so damn captivating that it pains me to stop for a blog entry break.

So I'm going to get back to my novel. I suggest you do the same, because, when you finish whatever book you are reading, there'll be 899 more to go.

Breakfast with the Brinn's

2010-01-03T11:09:00.005-05:00

We went to Bob Evans, a breakfast chain similar (but inferior) to IHOP, as a final send off to my little sister, who returns to Maryland to complete her Marines training this afternoon. Once again, a full family outing in which food is involved turned into an epic disaster (You can read about a similar experience here).

My dad was out in full force today. Before ordering, he had a back and forth with my mom about whether he should order a pancake or a western omelet in front of our waitress (Confusion point #1). He finally decided on a western omelet, then asked how many eggs are used to make it (The title of the omelet section on the menu is 3-Egg Omelets). She said three. He asked if they could make it with two (Confusion point #2). Then he asked if it comes with home fries (Once again, it's right there on the description in the menu). She says yes. He asks if they can put onions in the home fries (Confusion point #3).

At this point, it becomes painfully obvious that the $2.25/hour plus meager tips is not worth the effort, so when both of my sisters order a complex combination of side dishes and custom plate items, I can tell she was probably drawing a stick figure hanging itself instead of taking down our order.

Then we play the waiting game...

As the seconds turn into minutes (waiting fifteen minutes for a complicated order in a crowded restaurant on a Sunday morning! Say it isn't so!), my dad starts to grow impatient. And when my dad is impatient, he starts talking out loud, which is never a good thing.

When the food finally comes, it's predictably insufficient. The waitress forgot my sister's toast, the phantom pancake that was never ordered didn't show up ("But where's my pancake!?"), there aren't any onions in the prepackaged home fries (surprise, surprise!), and, lo and behold, the omelet has three eggs in it.

Oh yeah, and my other sister decided to order an extra side of sausage when the food arrived.

So then, when the waitress has had just enough time to walk from our table to the kitchen, my dad decides that my sister has waited long enough for her precious breakfast meats, and calls the bus boy over to repeat the order.

Then it comes, but it "tastes funny." Yes, Katie, grime from unwashed kitchen floors, saliva, and semen do taste "funny" when you combine them with greasy, partially-frozen sausage.

...

..The saddest part is, in the competition for "Most embarrassing thing a family member did this weekend," this entire episode is a distant second.

Dr. Dumbass: or How I learned to stop remembering and love The Offspring

2010-01-02T08:42:00.006-05:00

"Ahhhh it's time to relax, and you know what that means..glass of wine, your favorite easy chair, and, of course, this compact disc playing on your home stereo. So go on and indulge yourself, that's right, kick off your shoes, put your feet up, lean back and just enjoy the melodies. After all, music soothes even the savage beast."

This opening track to Smash by The Offspring is forever burned into my neurons. At any point in time, I can call up that guy's voice in my head. What my brain absolutely refuses to do, however, is remember to grab my dirty Tupperware from the refrigerator at work.

Last week, I forgot to bring the leftovers of my lunch home three times in a row. On Thursday, I packed three days worth of leftover lunch into a plastic bag and put it in my car. But, when I got home, I realized that I left a DVD at the office (one of my colleagues let me borrow his copy of Motorcycle Diaries). On Monday, I'll have to pretend that I took this guy's DVD home and watched it ("Oh..oh yeah, the movie. It was great! I especially liked the part..where..um..the guy..um..was on the motorcycle? And that part where he wrote in his diary, MIND BLOWING!").

Why does my brain suck!?

The Knowledge of Experience

2010-01-01T09:09:00.003-05:00

On my first day of training at the U.S. Census Bureau, our group of nine was taking a short true/false quiz on the importance of following procedure. Question #7 read, "When a test is completed, you must stand by the door to hand out the "What Happens Next" brochure to each test-taker."

Flipping back to that section of the chapter, I read, "We suggest you stand by the door to hand out the "What Happens Next" brochure to each test-taker," and circled "False" for Question #7.

The answer to Question #7 was "True," so I contested it using the following argument:

"If somebody suggests something, it means I have a choice in the matter. If I must do it, then there is no question. Therefore, the answer is "False.""

Several heads were nodding in agreement until Walter, a 65 year-old father of two and grandfather of five, stood up and said, "I've been married for 42 years. If my wife suggests that I do something, there's no question, I must do it."

I stood corrected.

Note to self (2010)

2009-12-31T17:54:00.002-05:00

Dear Me:

~~If you are reading this, it's 2029, the machines have taken over. It's up to you to send Kyle Reese back~~

~~If you are reading this, I am already dead~~

No, seriously. I'm about to tell you all about yourself as of December 31st, 2009.

First, the basics. You are 22 years old, you graduated from The College of New Jersey on May 15th, 2009 with a Bachelor of Arts degree in History, and you've been happily dating Melissa for over 2 1/2 years. The good news, you have a great job working as a clerk for the U.S. Census Bureau. The bad news, you still live at home with your parents.

Why, you ask?

You currently have $44.05 in your bank account. Your monetary ventures since graduating from college, to put it lightly, have been a little less than lucrative. Still, you've managed to succeed modestly, gaining valuable political campaign experience as a Field Director for the Atlantic County Democratic Committee and as Communications Director for the Hammonton Democrats. And, even though every single candidate you worked for lost, you managed to gain respect from everybody involved. I think the energy from that experience carried over to your current job, where the people you work with are really fun to be around and you get great benefits like "working 40 hours a week" and "daily lunch breaks" and "getting paid."

In other news, Melissa's job at the library has allowed you to catch up on your reading (Her decision to pursue a career in Library Science, in addition to being awesome, stands to benefit you greatly). In just the last couple of months, you've read 5 1/2 novels, including the first of Isaac Asimov's Foundation series, Do Android's Dream of Electric Sheep?, and Dune. And though you haven't been able to keep up with video game culture as much as when you were 13, you picked up the latest Western RPG for Christmas, Dragon Age, and it's pretty freakin' awesome...

...

..Wait, stop. Will my potentially 53 year-old self think that Dragon Age was important enough to include on an annual life update? (I certainly hope so, but probably not.)

Moving right along, the national political stage has been in shambles for the past year or so, particularly since Barack Obama took office on January 20th, 2009 (you were there by the way, the inaugural address was awesome!). From the cries of "Socialism!" and "Death Panels!" on the right to the Filibuster-proof Democratic Senate dropping the ball on the public option and voting for a piecemeal version of Healthcare Reform on Christmas Eve, American politics has been a roller coaster ride of laughable proportions. I'm sure you'll be a much better judge of this year's historical importance (Behold! The power of hindsight), but I'd say we've accomplished a lot.

So, that's you in a nutshell. Also, the events of 2009. Also, video games for some reason. I hope this has been informative (entertaining?). Regardless, I'll be back next year for another update.

Regards,

You

New Political Developments

2009-09-04T17:08:00.002-04:00

I got a job!

For strategic reasons, I cannot reveal the details of my duties or who I'm working for, but I can say that I'm making enough money to start saving for a move, and it involves working in the political arena (Yay me!)

I woke up at 6:30 AM completely unaware of what would unfold today, my first day on the job. I showered, dressed, ate three eggs, and drove to my new workplace where I met my new boss. He sat me down with a hot cup of coffee and we began discussing strategies to implement over the next two months. As the pile of scribbled notes, business cards, contacts, and research began piling in front of me, I slowly came to terms with the nature of my new position--Boss man! Nananananuhnuhnuhnuh nanananananuhnuh nuh BOSS MAN!!! (BANG! POW!)

For this organization I have three colleagues (four if you count my boss), and I have the most experience in our collective field of work. Technically, I'm entry-level, so yeah. When I realized this, I did my best to take charge; developing schedules, setting policies, giving input on mission strategies etc.

Coming into today, I assumed I'd be chief wordsmith. I left the office today directly in charge of the whole operation, including five staffers. Will I succeed?

Stay tuned to find out.

Rob Andrews Town Hall in Glassboro, NJ

2009-08-25T00:24:00.005-04:00

I was there.

Standing in line for two hours, listening to a barrage of unsourced generalized questions, rude yelling, and the spread of proven falsehoods. A few legitimate concerns got through, some really informed people showed up. Overall, however, this wasn't the tastiest slice of Americana.

After having my ears pierced by blood curdling screams of "NO ABORTIONS FOR MY BABY!!!" and "AMERICA IS THE GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD!!! DURRHHH!!!!", it was my turn at the mic.

"Good evening, Congressman Andrews. My name is Matt Brinn, I'm 22 years old, and I'm from Folsom, NJ. You said earlier that this Healthcare bill would cost $1 trillion over the next ten years. How many people here showed up because they think that the cost is way too high?"

The flag-waving crowd goes wild. Obama supporters sit silently.

Wait for it...

...

..Wait for it

...

"Where the HELL were all of you when George W. Bush was wasting $3 trillion on the war in Iraq? How about when he gave $700 billion to the CEOs of the banks with no oversight?"

Stunned silence from the flag wavers, roars of approval from the Obama crowd.

"Sixty four percent of all bankruptcies are caused by medical bills. Congressman Andrews, I commend you for standing up in front of us today. I'm a recent college graduate, and I'm uninsured. I'm currently looking for a job, hence the suit, and more people agree with you than are represented here. Thank you."

As I exited the building, I counted four high fives.

UPDATE: I made the Courier Post. Page 2 of the article says:

"And Matt Brinn, 22, of Folsom, turned the opponents' enthusiasm against them when he asked audience members to clap if they objected to the cost of reform.

'Where the hell were all of you when George W. Bush spent $3 trillion on Iraq,' snapped Brinn, drawing a fresh round of cheers from reform supporters."

Unfinished thoughts...

2009-08-20T13:57:00.003-04:00

Here I will collect a number of thoughts which I believed would make for excellent blogging, but didn't make it past the first sentence or two.

- First and foremost, I have a job interview on Monday, August 24th with Democracia USA, a nonprofit organization that registers Hispanic voters in the tens of thousands each year. Details in the days to come.

- Driving down an interstate highway is a nerve wracking experience for most drivers. What unsettles me the most is the bits of exploded tire strewn about the shoulder of the road. Violent murderous accidents, it seems, happen every few feet. Clean up crews find it important to remove crushed cars and dead bodies, why not the destroyed tires?

- How much of a road repair construction company's budget is allocated to the purchasing of orange rubber cones? All of it, I think, judging by the thousands of cones forming an impenetrable wall around each individual project.

- Why does a single black hair insist on peaking its head out of the small mole near my hip no matter how many times I tweeze it? You'd think it'd get the message.

That is all.

The Philadelphia Zoo

2009-08-17T00:47:00.005-04:00

HBoO and I went to the Philadelphia Zoo today. We saw lions and lemurs, flamingos and monkeys, tortoises and pelicans, and a zillion other animals big and small. One thing I noticed, the Philadelphia Zoo needs to hire a new person to write the little blurbs about each animal. You know, those little signs posted next to each habitat that give you the name and basic information about each animal. Not to be a snob, but they were written poorly.

[snobbery]

I remember reading:

"A wonderful animal at the zoo is the pelican." Was this written by a kindergartener?

"Animals are awesome." Stamped onto several of the bird displays.

"Africa south of the Sahara."There's got to be a more succinct way to say this. Perhaps that prefix that reminds me of delicious sandwiches on torpedo rolls can be used in this situation?

I guess what I'm saying is, I really want/need a job, and "Zoo Signpost Technician" fits neatly within my qualifications. Why is the person who crafted the text on these signs employed as a writer and I'm not? *Pout*

[/snobbery]

In other news, swan-shaped paddle boats are really fun. Ask HBoO, we pulled off some pretty impressive maneuvers, including a series of hairpin turns and a complete spin at full speed. If the summer Olympics introduced a new sport at the 2012 games, and that sport was "Trick Paddle Boating," I'd definitely expect to take home the gold.

The end.

Opeth, the king of misheard lyrics

2009-08-15T23:15:00.004-04:00

Since the dawn of musical recordings, lyrics have been misheard. Without those trusty liner notes, we'd all think that Jimi Hendrix was excusing himself to kiss some guy, Bruce Springsteen was lit up like a douche, and Elton John was embracing Tony Danza ever so gently.

However, the progressive death metal band Opeth takes the cake. When deadly badgers aren't making his weed and he isn't fixing his pants, Mikael Akerfeldt and his thick Swedish accent make their best effort to make growling vocals sound discerable. The result is almost always an uncanny valley of lyrical hilarity.

Here's the song Bleak from the Blackwater Park album. I'm going to write out the lyrics as I hear them.

Bleak

Beating,

Hearts still beating from the claws

Teeming,

Self defeating of the laws

Aching,

Ribs are aching from the blood

Fading,

You are fading from my sight

Rancor morning, coldness lingering in sun

Shrouding to nightmares of the sun

Moving

I am moving closer to your side

Luring

You are luring me into the night

Crying

Who is crying for you? I am.

Dying

I am dying fast inside your tears.

Rancid towards the reament faster yet

Clearing thoughts, my mind is set

Devious movements in your eyes

Lead me from the hills

Reconcile white clouds with your lies

And fills them with me

You're closer to final will

You're staring right past me in dismay

A liquid seeps from your chest

And drains me away

Mystery conshrouds your thin white man

and draws me without

Coping this mop this diamond veil

It's splendor is might

Help me cure you

Atone for all you've done

Help me lead you

A sonic taste of gum

Devious movements in your eyes

Lead mefrom the hills

Reconcile white clouds with your lies

And fills them with me

You're closer to final will

You're staring right past me in dismay

A liquid seeps from your chest

And drains me away

Mystery conshrouds your thin white man

and draws me without

Coping this mop this diamond veil

It's splendor is might

Let's all see David

tainting a phantom

Tried shrill

shivering claws

I hated with words and a feast to come

Crabs in my way sparked tradition

This is all you need

***

Here are the real lyrics.

What are your favorite misheard lyrics?

Kids with brain cancer should be allowed to be vampires if they want to

2009-08-11T00:21:00.003-04:00

What's the first thing that comes to mind when you hear of a show titled "Buffy the Vampire Slayer"?

A lethal dose of camp? Check. Bad makeup? Check. Intriguing plotlines with multidimensional characters that provoke deep philosophical debate? Huh?

I spent the last two days in New York City with HBoO glued to the TV watching the second season of Buffy. For those that don't know, it's Joss Whedon's first series. Before DollHouse, before Serenity, before Firefly, there was Buffy the Vampire Slayer. A ridiculous premise, Sarah Michelle Gellar is a 90 lb. martial arts expert who kills superhuman vampires in a small California town, Buffy succeeds in transcending and/or subverting almost every norm of television for teens.

I'll give you an example...

In one episode, a childhood friend of Buffy's moves to Sunnydale (the small town where the show is set) and attempts to court her. In the process, we learn that he is affiliated with a group of dorky goth kids who want to become vampires. Foolishly, he makes a deal with the show's ultimate baddy to deliver Buffy (the Slayer) and the dorky goth kids to the real vampires in exchange for immortality through vampirehood.

For the first three quarters of the episode, this kid is portrayed as the usual weekly threat to Buffy and her friends. Towards the end, however, when Buffy is fighting the kid in an attempt to save everybody, his motives are revealed. He has brain cancer and rather be immortal as a vampire than suffer the torments of a malignant terminal illness. He ends up getting his wish, but, seconds later, Buffy puts a stake through his heart. The theme, quite plainly, is that there is no such thing as pure good and evil, just endless shades of gray.

That's some serious shit when you consider that the title character's fighting stance looks like this:

But, seriously, it's really good. If you haven't already, check it out.

"Hello again" and "The internet has officially destroyed my attention span"

2009-08-09T10:56:00.003-04:00

Wow. It's been almost three months. Please excuse me while I list my excuses for not blogging...

I was:

1) Looking for jobs

2) Getting back in shape

3) Re-earning lost college credits...

...

63) Dead at the time...

...

546) Scaling Mt. Evere...

...

87767) I'm stupid

There. Now that that is over with. Let's pick a subject and begin where we left off (Not politics, that's like my job now).

---

I'm currently rereading the Lord of the Rings trilogy because I am the paramount manifestation of cool. Much like the guy who calmly walks through a ghost town wearing awesome sunglasses and long trench coat that flaps badassedly in the wind,

I sit alone in my room catching up on the lore of a fictional race of midgets with hairy feet.

Those two are pretty similar, right? ..Right?

So, I was reading The Fellowship of the Ring when I realized that I have absolutely no attention span when reading a book. My thought process goes something like this...

"Setting down his lilies carefully on the grass, he ran to the tree. There he saw Merry's feet still sticking out--the rest had already been drawn further inside. Tom put his mouth to the crack..." LOL "...and began singing into it in a low voice." I wish they included Tom Bombadil in the LOTR movies. But, no, I don't. It just wouldn't have worked. I was bored to tears the first time I read about him. Now, though, I'm a much better reader. Maybe I should reread a lot of the stuff I hated in high school. Nah, that stuff sucked. "...'I was too careless on the hill-top,' answered Strider..."Wait, Strider? When did Aragorn show up? Aww shit, I did it again. Now I have to go back and reread like..three chapters. Damnit, I don't feel like it.

And then I put the book down and don't pick it up for a month. Does this happen to anybody else, or am I functionally retarded?

President Obama channels Abraham Lincoln in a speech on national security...

2009-05-23T12:03:00.003-04:00

President Obama made a speech last night criticizing the previous administration for undermining the United States Constitution while simultaneously proposing to suspend habeas corpus for "enemy combatants," a move that is in direct defiance to the Geneva Convention. After refusing to release photographs of detainees being tortured, and now holding POWs indefinitely without trial, Obama has succeeded in increasing the opacity of his self-proclaimed transparent administration.

While standing in a room alongside the United States Constitution, Obama said, "...there may be a number of people who cannot be prosecuted for past crimes, in some cases because evidence may be tainted, but who nonetheless pose a threat to the security of the United States." So, for the past eight years, we have held prisoners without trial with no clear evidence of crimes committed.

He continued, "...my administration has begun to reshape the standards that apply to ensure that they are in line with the rule of law. We must have clear, defensible, and lawful standards for those who fall into this category." In order to deal with these (innocent until proven guilty) detainees, Obama says he will change international POW laws so that prosecutions can be made. Until then, these people will be held indefinitely without trial.

During the presidential campaign, both Barack Obama and John McCain were looking to align themselves with principles mandated by (arguably) our greatest president, Abraham Lincoln. Unfortunately, by breaking international law, Obama is initiating a wartime policy that Lincoln would have supported. In September of 1862, Lincoln issued the following statement:

"Now, therefore, be it ordered, first, that during the existing insurrection and as a necessary measure for suppressing the same, all Rebels and Insurgents, their aiders and abettors within the United States, and all persons discouraging volunteer enlistments, resisting militia drafts, or guilty of any disloyal practice, affording aid and comfort to Rebels against the authority of United States, shall be subject to martial law and liable to trial and punishment by Courts Martial or Military Commission:

Second. That the Writ of Habeas Corpus is suspended in respect to all persons arrested, or who are now, or hereafter during the rebellion shall be, imprisoned in any fort, camp, arsenal, military prison, or other place of confinement by any military authority of by the sentence of any Court Martial or Military Commission."

Lincoln allowed all supporters of the Confederacy and conscientious objectors of the war to be imprisoned by the military indefinitely without trial for the duration of the Civil War. Now, without any evidence of crimes committed, Obama is circumnavigating international law and our own military courts in order to hold POWs in the War on Terror without trial.

It was wrong then, and it's wrong now.

-Matt

Wow, that was fast...

2009-05-15T20:22:00.002-04:00

As I lined up for the history department's graduation ceremony, the professor who taught my least favorite class in my final semester bumped into me. She turned and I watched as her expression instantly transformed from annoyance to confusion. "Matt, you're graduating? I wish I would have known, your grade for my class would have been a little better." I had absolutely phoned in my efforts for Modern Latin America, a class that neither counted towards my major nor was it required for liberal learning. After accidentally misreading my program planner, and, thinking I needed a South America course to complete my major, I wasted my final college course on her boring class. But she didn't know any of that. "Thanks," I said, "I passed, so that's all that matters."

Yes, I've completed my college education. Like millions of others across the nation, I, too, was forced to wear a black cellophane cap and gown while enduring extreme temperatures. I was packed into a football stadium, where I had to listen to faculty, students, and guest speakers drone on about how lucky I was to graduate during the worst economic climate since the Great Depression.

In fact, a terrible economy has been the signature motif of my senior year. In my final semester, I wrote a 26 page thesis comparing our time to the Great Depression. I wrote articles on how the economy was negatively affecting my part time job, how it was forcing my little sister to choose military service over a college career, and how my fellow graduates were moving home or incurring further debts in post-graduate programs because of slim job prospects.

I'm moving home. I have no job and no money. It feels a lot like the plot of a Broadway show or those stories that immigrant great-grandparents tell. "I arrived in New York with the clothes on my back and $12 in my pocket," they say. What will I tell my great-grand kids? "I arrived home with a fancy piece of paper and a mountain of debt," I'll say. It doesn't really have the same ring to it.

I sat near the back during the ceremony, right in front of a professor who has been a member of the department since 1958. Having to sit through the pomp and circumstance fifty-one times makes the whole thing a lot less significant, I learned, because he was whispering loudly to a fellow faculty member throughout the duration of the ceremony. "They should teach them how to fold their diploma into a paper hat," he chuckled, "Then they can use it when they apply at a fast food place." I turned to him and smiled. "I hope mine comes with instructions on how to fold a paper airplane," I said. Then I walked up and smiled for the camera.

-Matt

GOP Fail...

2009-02-02T15:18:00.002-05:00

Last week, in an attempt to appear relevant, House Republicans banded together to vote down Barack Obama’s $819 billion stimulus package. After four straight years of heavy losses, however, the move became nothing more than a symbol of the GOP’s imminent collapse. The bill they opposed passed 244-188. Plagued by dwindling numbers, outdated ideology, and a homogenous “rich whites only” image, the Republican Party is now being forced to make a choice. Change or die.

The success of the Republican Party since the Reagan Revolution was made possible by the coalition of fiscally conservative bankers and socially conservative southerners. This unlikely team put Ronald Reagan in the White House in 1980 and 1984, took over the House and Senate in 1994 to combat Bill Clinton, and narrowly won George W. Bush the presidency twice, in 2000 and 2004. Partially in response to the failures of the Bush presidency, and partially due to the lackluster campaigning of John McCain and Sarah Palin, the coalition collapsed in 2008, forcing fiscal conservatives to jump ship as Republican rhetoric swung into the realm of racism and fear. The result was a Democratic sweep, putting Barack Obama in the White House with a near filibuster proof Congress.

The scramble since November 5th has been as entertaining as it is pathetic. Lacking the ability to block liberal legislation, the Republican Party has transformed into a party of socially conservative whiners led by Rush Limbaugh, a controversial conservative pundit. In a short article published just before inauguration day, Limbaugh wrote, “…I’ve been listening to Barack Obama for a year-and-a-half. I know what his politics are…I hope he fails.”

After a week of dodging questions related to Limbaugh’s treasonous remarks and his newfound central role in Republican policy, President Obama issued a statement. He said to Republican leaders in Congress, “You can’t just listen to Rush Limbaugh and get things done.” This was said soon after John Boehner, House Minority Leader, cited the funding of bike paths, Planned Parenthood and a cleanup of Washington DC’s National Mall as the reasons why Republicans refused to support Obama’s massive stimulus package. And, despite Boehner calling Republicans “the party of better ideas, better solutions,” recently on Meet the Press, their only contribution to the political process as of late has been the enigmatic SarahPAC, Governor Sarah Palin’s pompous tribute to herself.

The collapse of the Republican Party, as wonderful as that sounds, is dangerous for democracy. Since the bitter Republican/Federalist rivalries of the 1790s, America has maintained a balanced government with two viable parties keeping each other in check. As the Republican Party implodes and the Democrats enjoy their unbridled chance to lead, a strong opposition party with fresh ideas must rise from the ashes of neo-conservatism and provide Americans with their most important right. Choice.

-Matt

Matt is tagged for a meme, signals triumphant return...

2009-02-01T23:06:00.002-05:00

Some anonymous person (HBoO) convinced me to write 25 things about myself that are reasonably unknown.

Here we go:

1. When I was a kid, my bus stop was a quarter mile down the street. My friend and I would walk past several ranchers to get there, each with its own dirt or stone driveway. One of the dirt driveways had a deep hole that would always fill with water when it rained. During winter, the water would freeze, creating a miniature ice rink. Every day, we'd "skate" on it or smash the thin ice with our feet, at which point we'd pretend to drown. The water was just a few inches deep which leads me to believe that my 9 year old imagination was just like LSD.

2. Once, I challenged a kid on my street to a race to the top of the street and back. I lost the race...and my dignity.

3. I have a small mole on my right thigh that always grows a single black hair. It may or may not be cancerous.

4. I hold my cell phone in my front pocket. If I forget to put it there before I go out, my pocket periodically vibrates.

5. I brush my teeth the exact same way every time.

6. I often think about trying stand up comedy.

7. I don't know how to properly use a tissue. When I have a cold, I snot rocket into a toilet.

8. I shower with my back facing the water.

9. Though I owned and played Sonic the Hedgehog, Sonic 2, Sonic 3, and Sonic and Knuckles for several years, I never beat any of them.

10. I owned NHL 95 for Sega Genesis. Often I would create a character named Matt Brinn and give him maximum stats because I'm awesome.

11. I used cheat codes to beat Grand Theft Auto III, but not Vice City or San Andreas.

12. I think my favorite cheesy song from the 80s is Cum on Feel the Noize by Quiet Riot. Honorable mention-Sand Castles in the Sand

13. If all else fails, I have a great radio DJ voice.

14. And a movie trailer voice.

15. In a world...

16. I joined the internet community on July 1st, 2001 at the now deceased planetnamek.com with the username "MangaMan". I participated in lengthy Dragon Ball Z debates and text RPGs.

17. I say LOL out loud when I think something is only kind of funny.

18. When I did Tae Kwon Do, we had to memorize the meaning of each form that we did. I can still recite the meaning of the white belt form from memory.

19. Chun Ji means literally the heaven and the earth. It is in the orient and is interpreted as the creation of the world or the beginning of human history. Therefore, it is the initial pattern played by the beginner. This pattern consists of two similar parts, one to represent the heavens and the other, the earth.

20. My favorite movie is Amelie. I'm not afraid to admit that I bawled when the cat moved the beads. I still tear up when I see it.

21. No other movie has made me cry. Grave of the Fireflies came close.

22. I recently watched Firefly, the Joss Whedon show that got canceled after 14 episodes. It's the best show I've seen since Cowboy Bebop. I guess this means that one of my favorite things is sci-fi western comedy dramas that last a season or less before releasing a movie spawned from DVD sales.

23. Bad acting in a good movie stings my soul. Bad acting in a bad movie makes life worth living.

24. When I take my glasses off, I'm compelled to rub my eyes incessantly.

25. It's been thirty hours since I've consumed a food that isn't pizza.

***

Wow, twenty five things is too many. Until next time...

-Matt

House agrees to write legislation to bail out auto industry...

2008-12-05T21:09:00.002-05:00

I just read the the front page of the New York Times. In response, I wrote all of my representatives to convince them to vote against another cataclysmic mistake in a series of cataclysmic mistakes. Here's the text of my letter:

I ask you, with utmost urgency, to oppose the $25 billion bailout for the big three auto companies. Though there are numerous reasons to vote against it, I will focus on just one: the source of the funds.

According to the New York Times, the $25 billion is likely to be taken from "subsidized loans intended for developing advanced fuel efficient cars." I think this sends the Big Three the wrong message. If we give them money that was intended to be used to revamp the industry, it will encourage them to continue nefarious business practices that caused their collapse.

To understand their backwards mentality, turn on any TV and watch the car commercials. These companies are emphasizing big vehicles that conform to an outdated concept of "manliness." It is obvious that these companies are not listening to consumer demands for smaller more fuel efficient vehicles; otherwise they would have evolved their business model according to their customer's desires.

We cannot reward a private industry that fails to supply consumer's demand. Bailing out these companies not only undermines our capitalist system, it will rob the American people of crucial funds that should be saved for progressive policies that provide jobs for our ailing economy.

Once again, vote NAY to any piece of legislation that provides the auto industry with tax dollars. Thank you.

Sincerely,
Matthew Brinn
Concerned Citizen

I urge you all to copy this letter (or write your own) telling your representatives to vote against any legislation that allocates funds to bailing out the auto industry!

-Matt

T. Boone Pickens discounts everything that Stephen Moore thinks/says...

2008-12-03T22:15:00.003-05:00

T. Boone Pickens, the biggest advocate for the expansion of wind energy in America, argued his cause against Stephen Moore of the Wall Street Journal.

Pickens began the argument by stressing the necessity for America to relinquish its dependence on foreign oil by embracing green energy technologies. He expanded on this point by providing thorough knowledge on existing resources, their allocation, and the feasibility of maintaining our current lifestyle. In short, we can't. According to Pickens, who has worked and managed energy plants for his entire life, if America scoured its lands for nonrenewable energy, it'd be able to provide just four million barrels of oil a day for a limited number of years. Currently, the USA consumes 12 million barrels each day.

Moore, at this point, interjected with his views. "Oil doesn't come from the ground, it comes from our minds," he said, "I don't believe in peak oil."

Pickens, obviously flustered by the remark, emphasized the cost of drilling in these places. "Yeah, we can drill 30,000 feet into the Gulf of Mexico. It'll cost $120 million and, if we're lucky, we'll get four billion barrels, not the 20 billion figure that is being tossed around Congress," he argued. On more than one occasion, Pickens was able to provide statistical and monetary information that Moore was unaware of. Throughout the course of the debate, Moore repeatedly nodded his head in agreement with Pickens rebuttal. "Yes, well, you'd know those numbers better than I would," he said.

This, in my opinion, is a microcosm of America's energy ideologies. On one side, you have pragmatists who realize that our lifestyle is unsustainable and needs to move in a new direction. On the other side, people blinded by their preference to maintain the status quo skew figures and refuse to accept basic facts. Whether you believe oil is running dry or that it'll last forever, the truth is that oil is destroying our environment so, therefore, it's killing us. We have made the basic technological innovations to leave fossil fuels behind, but special interests only concerned with today's profits are hampering our progress. Let's move forward with these new ideas so that one day, years from now, we can watch this debate and chuckle at Stephen Moore's ignorance because, honestly, that's all his opinion deserves.

-Matt

President-Elect Obama addresses governors...

2008-12-02T17:34:00.003-05:00

Earlier today, President-Elect Obama called a meeting with the governors of all fifty states to discuss his plans to launch a coordinated effort to fix our financial situation.

I just finished watching his statements on C-SPAN, it was as refreshing as it was moving. To hear a politician humbly ask for help, not just from his Democratic buddies, but from Republicans as well, put a smile on my face. One thing in particular that he said nearly brought a joyful tear to my eye.

He said, "I offer you [Republicans] the same hand of friendship and the same commitment to partnership that I do to my Democratic colleagues. There is a time for campaigning and a time for governing...We are not going to be hampered by ideology while trying to get this country back on track. We want to figure out what works."

He went on to discuss his desire to try gubernatorial ideas from either party that work on the state level in Washington. I can't remember a time when an American leader had the pragmatism and the humility to ask for help in such a way. Later, during the press conference, Governor Rendell of Pennsylvania said that such a meeting during a transition period was "unprecedented."

As trite as it is to say at this point, I'm excited. I have that nervous excited feeling in the pit of my stomach, and I can't wait to see what happens next.

-Matt

George W. Bush apologizes, hopes history will gloss over the last eight years...

2008-12-01T19:12:00.004-05:00

In an interview with Charlie Gibson that will air later tonight, George W. Bush expressed hope that he will remembered for combating the AIDS virus.

Let's take a look at an important statistic, provided by Avert.org.
Notice the downward trend once Bush takes office in 2001? No? That's because teen pregnancies, AIDS, and other STIs have gone up since Bush took office thanks to a faith-based initiative to force schools to teach abstinence only sex education. The result is the same amount of teen sex, but less forethought to use protection. So, according to statistics, Bush wants to be remembered for spreading sexual ignorance.

I guess that's better than being remembered for eliminating civil rights, over 4000 US deaths in an unjust war, sitting idle during a global economic meltdown, and refusing to act during the most destructive natural disaster in our history. If you look at it like that, he chose wisely.

-Matt

Revamp...

2008-12-01T17:14:00.002-05:00

Yes, I've been neglectful, but let's try something new. See that new header? It means that this blog is taking a new direction. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to start writing about issues (talkin' 'bout the issues but keeping it funkay!) that I have some insight on. Things like, the global economic meltdown, the crazy people that are being thrown to the forefront of the "new" Republican party, Obama's transition to the White House, and maybe this huge thesis I have to write over the next six months on the politics of the Great Depression and how they are being rehashed, day by day, in the waning months of 2008.

Bored? Too bad. This is what I've been thinking and reading about, so this is what I'm going to write about. Stick around, hopefully I'll say something smart..:-)

-Matt

Senator President Obama...

2008-11-05T08:32:00.002-05:00

It's been a long month. My absence, which I've learned has filled countless buckets with the salty tears of disillusionment, can no longer be tolerated. It is time to speak, so speak I shall.

Last night, at 6:30 PM, I was frantically pacing across a cold tile floor, my heart racing, my hair graying. At 7:00 PM, I was driving. Erratically. On NPR, I heard news of hope.

"I'm standing in a hotel conference hall where Republicans are meant to be gathering for a victory celebration. The cheese is out, the tables are set, but there are only a few people here, and they don't look very happy. Judging on each Party's party, I'd say the Democrats have this one in the bag."

I smashed through my door and turned on my computer and television. As I watched MSNBC, C-SPAN, CNN, and Fox, I surfed New York Times, Washington Post, Electoral Vote, and Digg. My eyes strained, my mind stretched, and my fingers flew as each passing moment brought news of both victory and defeat.

"Obama has taken both Pennsylvania and Ohio. McCain's road from here is VERY steep."

At 10:30 PM, I cracked the first of many smiles.

As the West Coast polls closed, it was clear the end was in sight. New data was pouring in, Obama had taken Virginia. My mind eased and my fingers slowed. In a few minutes, John McCain would concede the election.

And concede he did. I hate John McCain's policies. I hate John McCain's temperament and judgment. I DESPISE the way John McCain ran his campaign. HOWEVER. I have a deep respect for John McCain's graceful bow to the better man, and his sincerity in wishing that his followers band together with the rest of the nation to solve the problems of tomorrow. Kudos John McCain, you have regained your dignity.

At midnight, November 5th, 2008, history was made. President-elect Barack Obama walked on stage with his family, thanked the crowd, then delivered the greatest speech of our generation.

---

Today, we turn the page on eight long years of fear. Eight years of lies. Eight years of secrets. Eight years of war, of fundamentalism, of divisive hatred. Today, we look forward to eight years of hope. Eight years of truth. Eight years of transparency. Eight years of peace, of hard work, of unity.

Many difficult days preceded today's triumph, and many difficult days lie ahead. But, now, with the dark days of despair behind us, we can turn our eyes toward the warm, distant light ahead and work to break the chains of ignorance that have held us back for so long. Today is both the end and the beginning. A long and difficult road is ahead of us, but I'm ready. Ready to stand up and fight for my future, ready to work tirelessly to restore the ideals upon which this nation was founded, and ready to embrace the hardships that await us.

Today, for the first time in my adult life, I'm not ashamed to call myself an American..:-)

-Matt

Fight the bailout...

2008-10-05T23:05:00.002-04:00

For those that don't know, both the House and the Senate passed a bill to use $850 billion taxpayer dollars to bailout Wall Street investors and conglomerate banking institutions. The stock market continued dropping. On top of that, President Bush side-stepped the whole democratic process prior to the passage and had the federal reserve print an additional $630 billion. In short, America will soon be the victim of hyperinflation much like Germany after World War I.

I wrote my Congressman urging him to vote against the bailout. Surprisingly, he responded.

Dear Mr. Brinn:

Thank you for contacting me about Congressional action to address our
nation's economic crisis. I appreciate hearing from you.

Today the House of Representatives debated H.R. 1424, the Emergency
Economic Stabilization Act of 2008. This bill aims to prevent harm to
Americans that would result from a collapse of our nation's financial
system. I voted for H.R. 1424, which passed by a vote of 263 to 171.
President Bush promptly signed this bill into law.

I share my constituents' anger about this mess and how we got here. The
government did so much wrong, and while Democrats in Congress tried to
set them straight many times, we obviously did not do so strongly
enough.

At the outset of the debate over the original, unacceptable Bush-Paulson
proposal, I argued that the bill would need to include these principles:
taxpayer ownership and protection, aggressive oversight, and help for
homeowners. These principles are all met in part, but this bill is not
perfect. For one thing, the Secretary of the Treasury should have even
greater limits. The cost recovery from the financial district should be
sooner. I dislike the Senate's adding extraneous tax provisions. Every
Member of Congress has a better idea of how to fix the problem, but no
one has 218 votes for his or her plan. This is the compromise.

As I can tell, there would be harm in doing nothing. The crisis is real.
We need to act quickly to staunch this crisis of confidence, because if
credit locks up, it affects ordinary Americans, ordinary homeowners, and
every small business. It is already happening.

Some have suggested we defeat this bill to teach a lesson to Wall Street
highflyers. We could do that. We could teach a lesson to Secretary
Paulson, President Bush, and the regulatory agencies. We could teach a
lesson to the mortgage companies who entice borrowers to get over their
heads. We could teach the Senators a lesson not to attach extraneous
things to a financial bill. We could let the credit markets freeze up.
We could let small businesses fail to meet next week's payroll. We
could let college students drop out because they can't pay tuition. We
could leave farmers, homeowners, and factories out in the cold. Would
that teach the right lesson to the right people? I don't think so.

Instead, I supported this bill because there is more harm if we do not
act, because of its improvements, because it will cost far less than the
original Paulson proposal, because it adheres to the principles we laid
out at the beginning of the debate, and because it includes a temporary
Alternative Minimum Tax fix and my own property tax relief initiative.

We will be making a serious mistake, however, if we do not act further
to address this crisis. There remain long-term problems: problems of
bond traders wheeling and dealing in paper with no thought of the homes,
factories, and people behind these bonds; problems of some employers who
show no allegiance to their workers; problems of families who even in
good times consume more than they save; problems at regulatory agencies
that revel in the unrestrained trading.

We have more to do to address our weak economy, which we learned today
has seen a loss of 159,000 jobs in the last month. I will continue to
lead efforts in Congress to get to the root of the problem, repair bad
mortgages, and to help middle class families. We need a program similar
to the Home Owner's Loan Corporation (HOLC), which the Federal
Government created in 1933 in that mortgage crisis. The program, which
lasted 20 years, shored up a collapsing market by purchasing delinquent
mortgages at a discount and working with homeowners to restructure the
mortgages into more manageable terms. Congress and President Roosevelt
authorized HOLC for $4.75 billion - or $76 billion in today's dollars.
With this investment, in its first two years, HOLC helped more than 1
million homeowners. When the HOLC finally ended, it showed a net $14
million surplus for taxpayers. We should not wait for a new
administration to address our nation's pressing economic concerns.

Again, thank you for contacting me about this crucially important issue.
I look forward to hearing from you again about this or any other matter
of concern.

Sincerely,

RUSH HOLT

---

He told me that Republicans were to blame and Democrats had been trying for years to avert this crisis. In short, he lied to me. I replied.

Dear Mr. Holt:

Thank you for the quick and lengthy reply. I appreciate your sense of duty
to maintain a dialogue with your constituents. However, I must say that I
fundamentally disagree with your decision to turn a blind eye to the
majority of Americans by voting yes for this bill
(http://tinyurl.com/4gox6n). Understand that this issue is the defining
issue of this generation, so your failure to listen will cost you my vote
and the vote of everybody I know come November 4th.

Here's why.

You said, "I share my constituents' anger about this mess and how we got
here. The government did so much wrong, and while Democrats in Congress
tried to set them straight many times, we obviously did not do so strongly
enough."

The blame for this economic mess does not fall solely on Republicans,
Democrats, Wall Street Suits, or Irresponsible Homeowners. Here are the
facts.

The federal reserve cut interest rates to a record low after the dot-com
bubble, allowing homeowners to purchase houses beyond their means. Both
Republicans and Democrats are to blame for supporting mortgage tax
deductions which gave additional incentive to these buyers. Real estate
agents continually sold large houses to families that couldn't afford them
so that they could make more commission. The Clinton Administration pushed
hard for low down-payment requirements for middle and low class families.
Mortgage brokers gave uncredited buyers adjustable loans with interest
rates that grew exponentially over time. Wall Street firms turned these
high risk loans into Mortgage Backed Securities, while the Bush
Administration turned a blind eye. Finally, it was everybody's fault to
believe that the housing bubble would continue expanding indefinitely.
(http://tinyurl.com/4tsmnf)

Market bubbles, by definition, must pop. We are at a critical moment in
America's economic history, and we need to choose our actions wisely. The
right thing to do is to let the financial institutions at fault collapse,
which will provide opportunity for a larger number of smaller banks to
take their place. More banks means more competition. This will drive
housing prices down to their true worth while providing new jobs in the
banking sector.

At this point, depression is inevitable. We should take our punches now by
letting the conglomerate banks fail, having the market correct itself in a
year or so. Instead, you've decided to print $800+ billion dollars in
order to temporarily save these failed institutions. Instead of allowing
the market to correct itself, you've inflated the bubble to the point that
a pop would cause global economic Armageddon. Where is the $800 billion
coming from? Surely not through taxation, that would bankrupt millions of
Americans causing riots in the streets. No, the plan is to create this
money from thin air, destroying the value of our currency and driving the
price of necessities sky high.

By voting yes for this bill, you've made your choice. Unfortunately, it
was the wrong one, and America will pay the price. You and everybody who
voted for this bill are to blame for the inevitable economic crisis that
will come, so don't be surprised when you lose reelection on November 4th.
You'll have earned it.

Sincerely,

Matt Brinn
Concerned Citizen

---

I urge you all to write your own representatives to let them know that they will lose reelection if they continue to ignore their constituents. It's time to stand up and fight for our right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness..!

-Matt

The first presidential debate...

2008-09-26T23:13:00.002-04:00

Post 150!!!

The first presidential debate has happened. It lasted 97 minutes. The moderator, Jim Lehrer, was disappointing. His questions addressed broad concepts rather than clear issues, and he did a terrible job keeping the candidates in check. He was supposed to moderate the debate. Instead, he posed questions that allowed the candidates to recite their talking points and argue semantics without having to cite their sources. John McCain took full advantage, extending his answers well beyond the alotted time and changing the subject with long-winded anecdotes. Barack Obama had the decency to ask Lehrer to continue at one point, but he, too, was guilty of taking advantage of Lehrer's meekness. Hopefully, the next two debates will have better moderators.

As for the actual content, John McCain kept his cool better than anybody expected. For the majority of the debate, he answered his questions with a level head, but most of his responses had zero substance. Half the time, Senator Obama had to interrupt him because he was supporting his points with pure falsehoods. Barack Obama successfully rebutted dozens of times throughout the night. His constant interjections of "Not true, John" did well to dismantle many of McCain's tired talking points.

The climax came during a question on dealing with foreign leaders, when John McCain vehemently disagreed with Barack Obama on the importance of talking with Ahmadinejad of Iran. McCain forcefully defended his refusal to talk to aggressive foreign leaders, while Obama dismissed him as erratic and undiplomatic. This exchange showed Senator's McCain's true temperament, a frustrated man whose worldview is racist and Americacentric. The best jab came when Obama asked McCain if he'd refuse to meet with Spain, referencing McCain's gaffe last week. He had no response.

The closing remarks of the candidates were particularly important. Barack Obama spent several minutes talking about the world's opinion of the United States. Having recently spent several months abroad, his vision of bettering America's standing on the international stage resonated with me deeply. McCain's closing remarks on placing trust in his experience did not.

The outcome of this debate will not be considered the best case scenario for either candidate. John McCain, on the surface, was able to hold his own. Elementary investigation into his points would reveal his inadequacy as a candidate, but that doesn't mean he will lose any blind supporters. I think Barack Obama successfully strengthened his base support and his performance will usher left leaning independents to his side. It's too early, however, to declare a winner.

-Matt

You can't beat our meat...

2008-09-25T16:16:00.002-04:00

Unless, of course, our pork is drawn to look like a giant penis. Then, I guess, you COULD beat our meat. If you really wanted to...

-Matt

Looking up...

2008-09-18T22:40:00.004-04:00

A couple of days ago, towards the end of my shift, I happened to notice something wonderful. Though the primary purpose of carrying a camera is to ward off attackers with a blinding flash, capturing photographs is a little known secondary feature. Abandoning a customer desperately in need of a pretzel, I zombily* shuffled outside to photograph a phenomenon...
Ooooohhhhh...

Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh...

Later that evening, I was visited by extraterrestrials. A brilliant spherical light appeared in the sky above me. It remained stationary for several minutes, then disappeared behind a cloud. Moments later, it reappeared. For several hours, it hovered motionless in the sky. I was able to capture a photograph of the UFO...
I apologize for the graininess. My camera doesn't take night photos very well, so this is the best that I could do. I'm truly honored to have witnessed such a profound moment in history. I ask that everybody lay down their arms, hold hands, and welcome our new alien overlords in peace..;-)

-Matt

*-No, it's not a word. Yes, I used it anyway.

Fail...

2008-09-14T22:03:00.002-04:00

I didn't even make it halfway..:-(

-Matt

I'm out of ideas today...

2008-09-13T23:01:00.002-04:00

Thirteen days of NaBloPoMo hath sucked away all of my ideas. Here we are. Today, I went to work. I came back from work, defrosted some Italian sausages, and read lots and lots of political articles. Nothing new today, except Barack Obama is now losing the election...

...
...
...

.. I'm hoping the presidential debates change that. I can't imagine anybody will watch them and see John McCain as a more capable man for president. The first is Friday, September 26th at 9 PM EST. Also, Sarah Palin finally did an interview. Our potential vice president didn't know what the Bush Doctrine was. Good...

...
...
...

..I'm sorry for today. Hopefully, tomorrow will be better...

-Matt

Elementary school throwbacks...

2008-09-12T16:22:00.002-04:00

This semester, I'm taking Math 101, officially titled Math for Liberal Arts Majors. Yes, it's bullshit. I knew that going in, but it's a requirement to graduate, so there isn't much use in complaining. Twice a week, I'm treated to a dull lecture by an ancient man about different types of elections (plurality votes, weighted votes, etc.). I struggle to maintain consciousness. On Tuesday, I lost the battle before leaving my house. Today, I made it all the way to the math building...

I sat down in my usual seat, center row, three seats from the front. The professor called my name...

"Brinn?"

"Yes?"

"We made a seating chart last time, you weren't here."

"..Okay?"

"Well, that seat is taken, you can't sit there."

I looked around. Half the class hadn't bothered to show up. There were no less than ten empty desks.

"Um..ok?"

"Now, you can sit in any of the seats up front, or move back two seats."

"Wait a minute. I've been here every class except the last one. I've sat in this seat every time. Who sits here?"

"Doesn't matter, I have a seating chart, you can sit two seats back."

I gathered my stuff and moved two desks back. The class collectively chuckled. Nobody came in late to claim my former desk. I now sat in the last row, all by myself...

A seating chart? In COLLEGE???

I knew I looked a bit young for my age, but this... ... ..what's next? Scheduled bathroom breaks? Snack time? Recess?

I know...

It's nap time...

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ...

-Matt

Cheating...

2008-09-11T22:46:00.002-04:00

Here's ANOTHER article. We NEED to DO something. James Carabelli, the head of this blatant offense to the American people, must be called out...

(586) 731-6217

Call the Macomb County Republican Headquarters and tell them to cease and desist. The word needs to get out, tell everybody you know to do the same...

A late night excursion...

2008-09-10T23:08:00.003-04:00

A couple of months ago, HBoO and I went to a local diner in Trenton, NJ. At 3 AM. Where else do you go when you crave a delicious slice of blueberry pie during hours that some describe as "wee"? For reasons unknown, I ordered a hamburger instead of pie. Don't blame me, I think I was drunk at the time...

HBoO ordered waffles with ice cream. It was the most delicious meal that you could have at 3 AM in Trenton. Our waitress' name was Melanie. Melanie was a former heroine addict who now worked the 12-6 AM shift at a Trenton diner to keep herself away from dealers. I don't judge her, heroine is expensive. I did chuckle, however, when she handed me this...

"Dude, last night was awesome! I entered this all-you-can eat wing contest and ate 75!!"

"That's nice, but I've got you beat. Last night, I consumed an entire German city."

"Dude, shut the fuck up."

"No, I have the documentation to prove it!"

"... ... ... ... ... ..you win."

:-D

-Matt

What the hell, America...

2008-09-09T20:49:00.003-04:00

I'm following this year's presidential race very closely. I use Electoral Vote to keep track of whose ahead. They've developed a brilliant algorithm that compiles polling in every state to figure out where the candidates stand with electoral votes. Yesterday, Barack Obama was ahead 301-224. That's a huge margin, enough so that no cheating at the polls on election day could change the outcome. Today, it's a lot closer, 281-230. That's a 26 vote shift in less than 24 hours...

What caused the shift? Could it be an article from Time magazine that destroys Sarah Palin's lies about her fiscal responsibility? Or was it Barack Obama's truthful (albeit slightly hypocritical) refutation of Sarah Palin's verbal attack on our Constitutional rights? In truth, it's neither of these. The reason why the McCain/Palin ticket is flying high is that they are hogging all of the media attention...

The day Palin was announced to be McCain's VP, the internet EXPLODED with anti-Palin hate articles, some ground in hard facts that would obliterate most Vice Presidential Candidates, but others that were a leftist version of pure Rovian lies. A message to all of the political blogs, news media, and anybody that is outraged over how awful Palin is. SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!

You are right, everybody knows it, but you are ruining this election. Her pick was a TRICK and you fell for it. Obama was way ahead in all the polls, his acceptance speech was the stuff of historical legend. This election would be wrapped up right now and we'd be on our way upwards if it weren't for the entire country's obsession with demonizing the most underqualified VP pick in our nation's history. Enough people know that the McCain/Palin ticket is godawful, but your constant hate mongering is siphoning our nation's attention away from what matters. Do you want nuclear war with Russia? Do you want our economy to continue spiraling downward? Do you want to be jailed without trial for exercising our first amendment rights?

Of course, you don't. Stop talking about Palin's Troopergate and let's focus on some real issues. Namely, how the hell I'm going to get a job next year in the middle of our worst recession since the Great Depression...

-Matt

Everybody call their local election office...

2008-09-08T21:45:00.003-04:00

Earlier today, I read this article . If you are a first time voter, or you've recently changed your address, go here and make sure that you are registered. Apparently, voter registration offices are violating the National Voting Registration Act by purging duplicate registration forms without contacting people. Millions have already been purged. Battleground states are the most affected, so there may be some foul play involved. If you plan on voting in November (which you SHOULD), call and make sure you are registered. We don't need another fixed election destroying our Democracy..!!!

-Matt

Jonah Hill isn't the only one...

2008-09-07T22:37:00.003-04:00

Cool people know what I'm talking about. The rest of you should watch this..;-P

-Matt

I've played Spore...

2008-09-06T21:56:00.004-04:00

Two years ago, I saw this video. Every day that has passed since, I've waited with crippling apprehension...

Yesterday, the wait was over. Somebody torrented Spore, and I was on that shit immediately. The game is now mine, and I've been playing it almost non-stop since last night. As a single celled organism, I've chowed down plant matter. As an awkward two-legged beast, I've danced to impress stronger creatures, sang to the point of embarrassment, and spat poisonous goo at my enemies. In the tribal stage, I've beaten the shit out of rival chieftains with axes. Unfortunately, twelve hours after I had so innocently began, I was forced away from my computer to pee. It was a desperate struggle to avert my eyes from the awesome.

I have yet to play the 'civilization' stage or the 'blow the fuck out of whole planets with giant lazers like Darth Vader' stage, but I can only assume that they are as good or better...

I'd like to take this time to apologize to my professors. If stopping to pee was that difficult, I can't imagine how I'll ever leave the house to attend class. I'm sorry, but I don't think it's going to happen. I'm sure you'll understand...

For those that don't know, playing a highly anticipated video game is much like scoring a vial of crack in a back alley after going a week without eating or sleeping. Your heart races causing increased blood flow, serotonin and dopamine is released, and you slip into a dream world for several hours as real life concerns fade into the past. When, for whatever reason, it's time to stop playing, your body feels drained, your stomach pangs with hunger, your eyes bloodshot from the intense focusing and the lack of sleep, but your mind wants more. Eventually, you feel nothing but pain. You play on. As your grades drop, your friends stop calling, and your family casually mentions something about a nice doctor who would love to talk about my deep seeded issues, it dawned on me that it just wasn't worth it. BUT I COULDN'T STOP!!! I played on, through carpel tunnel, through arthritis, through the horrible stench of weeks without bathing. My boss fired me, my car was repossessed, my landlord terminated my housing contract, but, sitting in a Starbucks, I played on. One day, my hard drive crashed. It was all over. I wept for days, then, I died...*

Every word of the above story is true. Learn from my mistakes, and avoid Spore at all costs, or you, too, will suffer a similar fate...

-Matt

*-Based on a true story. Certain events may have been exaggerated or fabricated.

Let's talk about John McCain...

2008-09-05T18:02:00.003-04:00

I saved this one for last because it is the most important. Last night, John McCain made his acceptance speech. On the surface, it was generic, uninspired, and devoid of substance. After a second glance, however, it becomes a harrowing look at our potential future. John McCain must not be elected in November. Using only last night's speech, I'll tell you why...

1. If elected, John McCain will preemptively strike Iran and start a war with Russia.

Though he touts himself as the candidate with the most foreign experience, John McCain spent little time talking about his foreign policy. However, in a few short sentences, he promised global war with nuclear consequences.

"Iran remains the chief state sponsor of terrorism and on the path to acquiring nuclear weapons. Russia's leaders, rich with oil wealth and corrupt with power, have rejected democratic ideals and the obligations of a responsible power. They invaded a small, democratic neighbor to gain more control over the world's oil supply, intimidate other neighbors, and further their ambitions of reassembling the Russian empire. And the brave people of Georgia need our solidarity and prayers."

Iran is not the chief state sponsor of terrorism, that title belongs to Saudi Arabia. Fifteen of the nineteen 9/11 hijackers were Saudi. Osama Bin Laden was a native Saudi. War with Iran is senseless, unfounded, and irresponsible. Russia did invade South Ossetia, but not for oil. Georgian forces, trained by the United States in Iraq, launched a preemptive strike to reclaim South Ossetia, leveling the city of Tskhinvali and killing 2,000 civilians. Russia responded with force because ten of their soldiers were killed in the attack. In supporting Georgia so steadfastly, John McCain is telling the American people that he is prepared to start a war with Russia.

2. If elected, John McCain will not hear his dissenters.

Last night, towards the beginning of his speech, an Iraq war veteran named Adam Kokesh held up a sign that said "McCain Votes Against Vets", referring to several instances where McCain voted against bills to give veterans better pensions and health care. Amid soaring chants of "USA! USA! USA!", McCain quickly curbed his anger, smiled, and said, "My friends, my dear friends...please don't be diverted by the ground noise and the static," as Kokesh was handcuffed and dragged out of the building by several security guards. This tells me that John McCain has no ears for a second opinion. If anybody objects, perhaps even a majority of U.S. citizens, he will not hear it.

3. If elected, John McCain will, once again, employ trickle down economics.

On paper, it might work. In practice, see Herbert Hoover, Ronald Reagan, and George W. Bush. John McCain wants to cut taxes for wealthy business owners and maintain or increase taxes for everybody else.

"Cutting the second highest business tax rate in the world will help American companies compete and keep jobs from moving overseas."

No, it won't. Reorganizing our education system so that it teaches our children a variety of skills suitable for a constantly evolving workplace will keep our jobs from moving overseas. American companies already compete pretty damn well. McDonalds, Starbucks, and Wal-Mart come to mind. It's the people who work for these companies that spend their money recklessly and stimulate our economy. Giving them more cash can only help our situation.

A vote for this man, more than continuing the failed policies of George W. Bush, will further degrade our international standing, throw us into a deep depression, and trample our civil liberties. A vote for John McCain is a vote to destroy the ideals this country was founded on in the name of ignorance and false securities.

---

This is the end of my profiles on our candidates. You make the choice, you be the judge. No matter what, though, make sure you DO choose, because apathy is infinitely worse than any candidate in the history of American politics. Participation is vital. Don't squander your opportunity to take part..:-)

-Matt

Let's talk about Barack Obama...

2008-09-04T18:10:00.002-04:00

In my last entry, I said that I was voting for Barack Obama in the upcoming presidential election. In this entry, I'm going to explain why...

The first time I heard the name Barack Obama was back in September 2007 while eating a slice of pizza at a local restaurant. The TV positioned above the doorway was tuned to MSNBC, the volume just loud enough to be audible. The issue being discussed was Barack Obama's lack of patriotism due to the absence of a flag pin on his lapel. I distinctly remember the camera turning to a very serious Hillary Clinton who said, "I wear a flag pin on MY lapel, I don't understand why somebody who loves this country wouldn't!"

At that moment, I knew I would not be supporting Hillary Clinton...

The next time I heard news of Barack Obama was in February. The primary race between him and Hillary was neck and neck, the articles plastered all over the internet. It was about this time that the Jeremiah Wright "scandal" came to prominence, one of the lousiest fabrications I've ever seen the mainstream media latch on to. Not only was the quote "Goddamn America" taken completely out of context (I watched his entire sermon, it was one of the best condemnations of tyrannical policy that I've ever seen), but Jeremiah Wright had absolutely nothing to do with the campaign. I'm glad it happened, though, because Obama's response was the most mature speech on race in recent history. From then on, Barack Obama had my full support.

Then, something happened that nearly crippled my hope for the future of America. In late June, the house and the senate passed an updated FISA bill which granted retroactive immunity to the telephone companies that participated in the warrantless wiretapping extravaganza that occured under the Bush administration. The bill set a precedent saying that phone companies could spy on American citizens without their knowledge and not be held accountable for violating the fourth amendmant of the Constitution. When I learned that Barack Obama supported this bill, I was upset. What really broke my spirit, though, was when he announced that he'd filibuster against the portion of the bill that granted retroactive immunity. He refused to follow through, a lie that betrayed his core supporters and called the message of his entire campaign into question.

After months of thought and research, I've returned to the Obama camp, albeit with a much more pessimistic view of America and its politics. I now know that Barack Obama is not campaigning for me, the twenty something cynic. He is campaigning for the average American. The poorly educated, xenophobic, apathetic average American. And that's fine. There are millions more average Americans than there are of me and, in this country, they are more important.

When elected, Barack Obama WON'T balance our budget. He WON'T put an end to the fundamentalist drivel that pervades our education system. He WON'T usher in a new cultural revolution that garners the respect of our international peers, and he WON'T stop the corporate lobbyists from running our government with their bottomless bank accounts.

However...

Barack Obama WILL be a well-spoken and intelligent face for America. He WILL diplomatically discuss foreign policy issues with world leaders, hopefully earning our country some international respect. At home, he WILL be the positive face that the poor and middle classes desperately need.

When I vote for Barack Obama, it won't be because he is a demi-god capable of solving our mountain of foreign and domestic issues. I'm voting for him because he understands the wants and needs of the majority of the American people. He cares deeply for the average American, something that is integral to running this country, but also something that I will never understand. This November, I cast my vote for Barack Obama, the man willing to sacrifice everything he has to inspire a backwards nation to work for a better tomorrow.

-Matt

Let's talk about Ron Paul...

2008-09-03T21:24:00.002-04:00

Last night, the former Republican presidential candidate, Ron Paul, made a speech addressing the issues of our country. Dr. Paul is a wonderful statesman, a great orator, and a Godsend to the floundering mess that is the Republican Party, but I would never vote for him. He has given hope to millions of apathetic citizens across the nation, and, for that, I respect him more than any of the other candidates. But, I fundamentally disagree with many of his policies. This is dangerous territory for an internet geek such as myself, but I feel like I have a valid and informed argument...

First, I want to talk about the positive aspects of Dr. Paul's campaign. It started as a grassroots effort, which I think is awesome, and he spoke to a demographic of people that is so largely overlooked by our politicians, tech nerds and internet people. For years, we have been the disgruntled voice of the 'other'. No candidate, celebrity, Playboy spread, or new device was beyond our criticism. Who could possibly win over such a disillusioned group?

Then, about a year ago, a tech savvy friend linked me to this video, and told me that this was the first time he had ever been excited about a politician. I congratulated him on his new found interest in politics, but dismissed the candidate as a radical idealist who would never make a difference...

A couple of months later, the internet buzz hit and Ron Paul was suddenly a champion of liberty and a symbol of hope for America. You couldn't refresh your browser without seeing a new Digg article about how awesome he was. But, much like I predicted, the Neoconservatives in control of the Republican Party dismissed Dr. Paul as an extremist and threw their support behind the terribly unprepared John McCain. The debate seemingly over, I turned my attention to the Democratic primary, mainly focused on supporting Barack Obama in his lengthy race against Hillary Clinton...

My interest in Paul was rekindled after the FISA debacle. I was a full-fledged Obama supporter, and while his voting for the FISA bill hurt, it was his lies about filibustering that made me second-guess my support for him. Unlike many of my internet peers, I didn't immediately denounce him, but my hopes for his candidacy were changed forever. I started reading up on Ron Paul, and was excited to learn that his movement hadn't been stifled by his inability to get elected. When I heard that he was organizing a rally to combat the Republican National Convention, I was ready to throw my full support behind him. Here was a man that had a sense of respect for his beliefs and the beliefs of his fellow Americans. He was unafraid when faced with opposition, and he refused to play the silly game that the mainstream media used for better ratings...

But then I realized something...

A strict constructionist view of the Constitution didn't work for our founding fathers, and it won't work now. Thomas Jefferson, the leader of the strict constructionist movement at the turn of the 19th century, realized that adhering to nothing but the document was severely limiting. He won the presidency in 1800. It was called the "Revolution of 1800", because, prior to that, George Washington and John Adams enacted Federalist policies that technically undermined the powers given to the executive branch by the Constitution. Jefferson's election was supposedly meant to reverse these policies for the greater good of the nation. When he took office, he realized the National Bank, a Federalist creation, was working really well and decided to keep it. Furthermore, in 1803, he made the Louisiana Purchase, doubling the size of the nation. It said nothing in the Constitution about the government's power to purchase land, but Jefferson did it anyway, because he knew that it would be good for the country. I don't discredit Jefferson for reversing his policies, it was good judgement on his part to put the nation first and his personal beliefs second.

This anecdote shows a historical precedent for Ron Paul's movement to drop all policies that aren't laid out by our Constitution. He holds a praiseworthy position, and many of his beliefs, particularly about the War on Drugs and the War in Iraq are in league with my own. However, the complexities of our current republic, flawed though they may be, are much better suited to deal with the issues of the 21st century.

I'm voting for Barack Obama, not because he is a perfect candidate, but because he understands how our system works and will be a driving force in bettering our image abroad. He won't solve all of our problems, but he will make us feel better about them...

-Matt

To all potential cat owners...

2008-09-02T18:54:00.003-04:00

Behold, your future. It shall be filled with painful scratches and bleeding buckets of blood...

If only I could train him to unleash his paws of fury on my adversaries, the world would be MINE!!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Until then, I guess I'll just rely on the mice to enact my evil plans of doom...
-Matt

Everything should be free...

2008-09-01T22:15:00.003-04:00

Sometimes, I go to book stores. What's nice about a book store is that they let you use their merchandise, then leave without paying. You can't do that in other stores. I'd like to walk into a kitchen appliance store, use a blender to make a delicious smoothie, then leave. What a shame that kitchen appliance stores are not as cool as book stores...

I'm a free sample whore. When you ask what someone's favorite day of the year is, most will respond with Christmas or their birthday. Not me. Free sample day at the supermarket trumps all. Let's think about it...

One day, you go to the supermarket expecting to buy your food. On this particular day, however, all the food is free. Not only is it free, but friendly faces are cooking and serving the food to you as you browse. It's like tailgating without having to pretend you like sports. Can you imagine a better scenario? I submit that you cannot!

What if other stores had free sample day? What would happen if you walked into Best Buy and a series of randomly placed tech geeks were handing out free video games? What if Victoria's Secret had underwear models providing girlfriends everywhere with free laced panties? I'll tell you what would happen...

Everybody would do all of their shopping on the various free sample days. Corporate profits would fall drastically. The drop would result in millions of workers nationwide being laid off, not because of their bosses' inability to provide paychecks, but because everybody would be at home playing free video games while lying in their free beds eating free cheeseburgers and getting lap dances from their girlfriends who happen to be wearing free laced panties. The global economy as we know it would crash, wars would end, and all of the lobbyists and politicians would have nothing to argue over...

What..?

I can dream, can't I..?

-Matt

NaBloPoMo...

2008-08-31T01:13:00.002-04:00

I know. It's been a while since I've posted. What's that? Apology accepted? Why, thank you. That was very kind...

As you can probably tell from my nifty new badge on the left, I just joined NaBloPoMo. September is my month. Thirty posts in thirty days. Wish me luck...

Oh yeah...

I've been keeping up with tons of election stuff, so don't be alarmed if the insanity of current events creeps into my posts. I promise not to rant. Other than that, next post will be September 1st, and there will be a daily entry through the end of the month. Thank you all, and goodnight..:-)

-Matt

And so it begins...

2008-08-26T23:47:00.002-04:00

Today, classes at TCNJ are in session. My first class, Introduction to Atheism, was canceled because the professor is currently attending a conference. Wow. Good start. Either I have a professor that doesn't give a shit, or he has orchestrated a deeply symbolic lesson teaching his students that not even his own classes matter because, in the end, we are all just dust in the wind. Brilliant.

Or...

I just paid a large sum of money to sit in my underwear playing video games on Compy II all day...

...
...

..Dust in the wind. Right.

My next class, Math for Liberal Arts Majors, was really ~~interesting~~ ~~intellectually stimulating~~ ~~boringasshitomgwtfisthepointofthis~~ not that bad, but I have a hard time remembering the details because, on the way to campus, I saw a kid fall off of his bike. I pulled over, not to see if said small child was in need of medical attention, but because I was laughing so hard I couldn't see straight. That's a driving hazard, so I pulled over. I saved lives. I think that warrants a medal, or maybe just a key to the city. Either one's fine, I'm not picky...

Today set the tone for my senior year at college. Here I thought I would take myself seriously, perhaps buckling down to do some work. In response, I get a canceled class and a hilarious distraction. Good. This semester is going to be AWESOME..:-)

-Matt

On the campaign trail...

2008-08-24T15:42:00.003-04:00

I'd been putting it off for a while, but today I had my first opportunity to volunteer my efforts for Barack Obama's presidential campaign. I've had prior campaigning experience, volunteering my Saturdays to phone bank and canvas for Patrick Murphy in the 2006 Congressional elections. Registering people to vote is fun and potentially hilarious, everybody should try it...

I can't say the same for Republican campaigns, as I have no experience with their side, but Democratic volunteers are laid back and time flies when you are arguing with unregistered voters about Obama's terrorist qualities...

Says an unregistered voter to a Jewish volunteer wearing a "Vote Barack Obama" pin written in Hebrew, "What the hell is that?"

"It's Hebrew, it says "Vote Barack Obama"."

"Cheebrew? Is that the language that Muslims speak."

And let's not forget the still bitter Hillary supporters. Says another unregistered voter, "Barack Obama is ARROGANT! How the hell could a guy pick some unknown guy for his running mate when Hillary has the same policies and 49% of voters want her to be there. He doesn't listen to voters, he's ARROGANT!!"

When the four of us weren't fending off the failures of the American education system, we discussed policy issues as they pertained to the local population. I found the other volunteers to be very well informed on campaign strategies, recent news, and the voting histories of BOTH candidates. The two hours I spent registering people to vote in the mall turned out to be tons of fun, not just for the unintentional hilarity, but for how cool my fellow volunteers were. So, no matter which side you support in the upcoming election, do yourself a favor and volunteer. Not only will you make a difference as an active member of your society, you'll probably have fun, too..:-)
-Matt

Beware of guard cat...

2008-08-22T23:37:00.002-04:00

...because doors are not an obstacle...

-Matt

Spontaneity...

2008-08-21T16:05:00.007-04:00

Yesterday, HBoO and I randomly decided to go to Grounds For Sculpture, a massive park filled with monstrous pieces of art. We stopped at the visitor's center to pick up a map before entering a small bamboo forest. After a few turns, we stumbled upon this...
As we stared in amazement, I heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning quickly, I instinctively pulled my camera upwards and snapped a photo...
GAH!!! After a few seconds I realized these cutouts were part of the piece. A few seconds that cost me a pair of clean underwear. We exited the forest and mosied on down the path where I noticed a peculiar addition to one of the sculptures. HBoO fervently insisted on my not taking a picture because, in her words, it was "GROSS AND DISGUSTING OH MY GOD GET AWAY!!!"
Frozen in terror, a petrified HBoO nearly became a sculpture herself...
Thinking quickly, I found the perfect solution to an otherwise dire situation...
With the problems of the day behind us, HBoO and I returned home, fully enriched by our experience..:-)

-Matt

The big day...

2008-08-19T22:32:00.002-04:00

Everybody goes through this. Weeks and weeks of doing absolutely no physical activity, then, one day, it hits you...

"Ugh! I'm fucking disgusting..."

Now, I don't have the usual body afflictions. I'm skinny, so my laziness doesn't yield saddle bag thighs or cankles. It does, however, make me look like a horrible heap of skin and bone with absolutely no form whatsoever. Couple this with an extended period without shaving, and you have one unhappy person. Did I mention the smell? I have no air conditioning in August, do the math...

Suddenly obtaining a new computer with a processor and video card capable of playing Civilization IV, Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion, and Rome: Total War means I've been sitting on my lazy ass for the last couple of weeks eating Cheez-its and screaming at a series of zeros and ones. My shower called, it was lonely...

Every year, at about this time, I get the urge to start exercising. I always pick something that I'm bad at in hopes of improving myself.Two years ago, I ran laps around my campus in lieu of all the smoking. Last year, I biked several miles each morning before work because I never really rode my bike when I was a kid. This year, perhaps after being inspired by Michael Phelps, I decided to start swimming. I'm a terrible swimmer. I can float for about five minutes before my body decides that drowning is a better option than surviving. A couple of years ago, I almost died in the ocean when a riptide pulled me out to sea. Yeah, swimming is the logical choice...

Today was the big day. After putting it off for weeks, I wanted to get in the pool and start bulking up for winter so that I can get SAD and watch myself wither away. I put my bathing suit on, got in my car, and drove to campus. With my school ID in hand, I approached the door to Packer Hall and gripped the door handle. Then, I looked up...

"PACKER HALL WILL BE CLOSED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE FOR ROOF REPAIRS! SORRY FOR THE INCONVENIENCE!"

I guess I'm destined to be a hairy, smelly sack of skin and bones. Sorry, HBoO..:-/

-Matt

Everyone knows it's Butters...

2008-08-18T14:21:00.005-04:00

"Well that's ME!"

My sister found a kitten roaming around a parking lot where she works. Now, I have a kitten. My first solo pet experience. The details of why the cat is now in my possession is, for the purposes of this blog, inconsequential. He's mine. His name is Butters, and he is the cutest thing I've ever seen. Except when he scratches. And bites. And licks my nipples in the middle of the night while I'm TRYING TO SLEEP!!!

But, seriously...
And...
And, further more...
The cat is (miraculously) housebroken, he plays with his toys, he eats properly, he does what he's told. So what if little Timmy is sobbing in a corner right now mourning his lost kitten? Finders keepers, Timmy. If you loved this kitten, you would not have let it be kidnapped! I bet you won't let Kitty #2 chase cars on the highway. Lesson learned...

Anyways, meet Butters. If all goes according to plan, I'll be LOLcat famous in no time..:-)

-Matt

Poopsicle...

2008-08-13T18:02:00.003-04:00

A couple of weeks ago, when HBoO was on vacation in Myrtle Beach, and my finger was busted, and my cable was shut off, and my computer was crashed...

...
...

..Let me start over.

It was oppressively hot. Lying naked in a pool of my own sweat, I struggled for ideas to combat the velocity of the molecules in my house. My house was killing me, and I needed to get out.

I stumbled outside to my car, the will to survive strong in my mind. I drove to an ice cream shop and bought a root beer float. I sat down, took a sip, and a wave of cold victory washed over my being. Then, I looked up and saw this staring me...
I turned to the closest employee, "Are you aware that there is a giant turd over there?"

"What?"

"A massive piece of fecal matter wearing a sailor cap just asked me a nonsensical question."

"Um..."

"..Nevermind."

Can anybody provide an explanation..?

-Matt

Not for the faint of heart...

2008-08-11T16:33:00.004-04:00

WARNING: The following contains bugs. Big scary ones...

I took this picture last time I stayed at my parents house...
AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

At first glance, it's pretty freakin' scary. But take a second look. It's almost as if I had opened his bedroom door around bedtime and found him poking through a certain section of the Sears catalog. You know...THAT section..*wink*

Anyways, this picture needs a caption. Whoever makes me laugh wins a prize.*

*-Prize may or may not be a simple "congratulations". Rules and restrictions apply. Prices and participation may vary. Copyright 2008.

Gasp I've been memed...

2008-08-10T23:57:00.002-04:00

If anyone has been reading my comments, they'd see that Melinda, a fellow blogger, has sent me a meme. It's midnight, HBoO is passed out in my bed across the room, what the hell...

7 Interesting/Random facts about myself

1. I hate carrots. Anybody that knows me knows that I eat almost anything. Sure, I'll be the world's most douchiest douche about the quality of the food, but I'll definitely eat it. And, I love trying new foods. HBoO's parents STILL think I'm lying when I tell them that their Filipino food is delicious. Pancit? Mmm. Lumpia? Hell yes. Bitter Melon? Seconds, please. Carrots? GET THAT SHIT AWAY FROM ME!!!!

2. I've stolen more than my weight in candy bars. Ask the Newcastle Tesco Express where all of their Peanut Butter KitKats have gone. I stole at least three every day for four months. Are you a Snickers? Watch the fuck out, because, before you know it, you'll be melting in my pocket...

3. I recently flip-flopped on my dealings with sickness. Back in the day, I shunned all medicine, relying purely on the "pretend-it's-not-there" method. Bullshit. Now, I take twice the recommended dosage of all over-the-counter medication. Especially Nyquil. It works, you should try it...

4. I currently work at a Philly Pretzel Factory. It's the easiest job I've ever had. Every day, customers walk in the door and ask me what we sell. I say, "Pretzels." Occasionally, they'll add, "Do you have anything else?" To which I reply, "No."

5. I'm severely right handed. Yes, it's a real condition. If my right hand/arm becomes incapacitated, don't ask me to open a door or hold any objects for a prolonged period of time. I'm not being mean, I physically can't.

6. There is an extra wide gap between each of my big toes and the rest of them. This has prevented me from wearing sandals since puberty. Everyday, I thank God for this deformity because it means I'm incapable of becoming a bro. No popped collars for me, thank you very much.

7. Ever since dropping acid, I've gained an extreme appreciation for clouds. Often I'll stop whatever I'm doing just to stare at them for a few minutes. Don't be alarmed, I'll eventually snap out of it.

---

Now, I'm supposed to ask seven other people to do this. Why seven? I guess sleep is out of the question tonight...

-Matt

School's out for summer...

2008-08-09T22:27:00.007-04:00

I finally have a new computer. This means that I can upload and photoshop pictures again. How liberating..:-D

I moved back to TCNJ early for several reasons. First, and foremost, I needed to get a job and establish myself in Ewing. Second, alone time with HBoO. Third, and most pertinant to this entry, I wanted to sneak on campus while nobody was around to take some artsy farts pitchahs...

So, here they are. This, for those that haven't seen it, is where I go to school (when I'm not gallivanting in England, of course)...
Here we have the TCNJ lake. I practically lived here freshman year. Not only is it a beautiful view, it's slightly isolated from the rest of campus and is, therefore, a great place to ponder...
This is the center of campus. On a normal day, 6,000+ 18-22 year olds are shuffling back and forth, either going to class or planning their next drug-fueled adventure...
The Science Complex. Many a drunken fool hath bathed in that fountain...
Here's the courtyard between the library and the dining hall. Again, completely abandoned...
No, geese! Anna Paquin does not attend TCNJ!!! Fly away home kthxbye...

Ahhh, it's good to be back. I forgot how much fun it is to write and photoshop every day. More entries to come, most likely in shorter intervals..:-)

-Matt

News of the day...

2008-08-08T23:44:00.002-04:00

Today, August 8th, 2008, 08-08-08, an historic event has occurred...

No, not the 29th Olympiad...

No, not anything to do with Barack Obama or John McCain...

Today is a day of abortion and adoption. Compy II, it's production delayed indefinitely, was aborted. In an attempt to ease the suffering of all those involved, I decided to adopt a replacement. Ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, I'd like to present...

*drum roll*

COMPY II
Dell Studio ftw..:-)

Also, the Comcast situation has been completely resolved. For those that don't know, here's Part I and Part II...

I traveled great lengths to Comcast headquarters in Trenton, New Jersey. There, I faced a dreadfully long queue and several disgruntled employees...

"Hello, good sir. I recently had some trouble setting up the internet in my household. The wonderful people at Comcast told me, over the phone, to come here and replace this modem."

"...I doubt your problem is the modem. *scoff*"

"Nothing against you, sir, but you have absolutely no idea what you are talking about. Your associate recently rewired my whole house to ensure maximum efficiency. I've spent hours on the phone trying to establish a connection with your database. One of your very own colleagues instructed me to come here and perform this task. Now...GIVE ME MY GODDAMN MODEM!!!!"

"... ... ...*hands over new modem*"

---

Today, two great issues in my life were solved. I have a computer, and I can access the internet in my own home. Life is soooooo good..:-)

-Matt

Predicament...

2008-08-08T01:32:00.002-04:00

Earlier this evening, HBoO and I snuck into her basement room through the secret back door. It's now 1:32 AM. I'm sitting at HBoO's desk typing this entry while she sleeps in her bed across the room. All of the lights are off, it's pitch black. I hear footsteps upstairs, no doubt her roommates getting ready for bed.

I have to pee...

There are two bathrooms, both located upstairs. HBoO's roommates are awake upstairs, neither know that I am here. If I walk upstairs, they will definetely hear my footsteps and come running with baseball bats. I would sneak out the aformentioned secret back door and do by business in the dark solitude of the backyard, but the noise will cause HBoO to stir from her slumber.

That half empty bottle is tempting...

It's going to be a very long night...

-Matt

Comcast strikes back...

2008-08-05T10:44:00.003-04:00

A few days ago, I returned to my house and found my cable to be shut off. After everything they put me through, you'd think this wouldn't happen, but, it did. I called them. It turns out, they had revived the account of a previous resident of my house, then, when they realized the error, shut it off. Without contacting me. So I set up an account in my name. They said the installation fee would be $44. Why? I already have a cable box and a modem. I know FOR A FACT that they can do registration over the phone. But, no. They had to switch the devices because of the error.

So, on Saturday, Comcast returned to my house. For $44, they unplugged the first boxes and plugged in two new ones. This time, however, there were no computers in the house. I assured the technicians that I could handle calling the company to have them register my modem when Compy II arrived. They were in my house for twenty minutes. That's $132/hr to plug in a box...

*fills out job application*

Today, my roommate moved back in. He had a computer, so I called Comcast to register the modem. They took me through the step by step process, again, but, this time, the internet did not work. An hour of trying things in the phone technician's manual. No internet.

Says the internet technician through the phone, "I just don't know. I've never seen anything like this. I need to ask my superiors. We'll call you back at some point today." *click*

The forces of evil are stronger than ever. My armies are scattered. My best friend is frozen in Carbonite. I'm one handed. There is no hope..:-(

-Matt

I can't wait any longer, so here's some mini-book reviews...

2008-08-01T11:54:00.005-04:00

On an average run-of-the-mill day, if I was bored, I'd go visit HBoO. We'd keep each other company for hours and hours, the time would fly by. If HBoO wasn't around, I'd use my computer to check my email, read news, watch movies, play video games, and/or listen to music while playing guitar. If, for some reason, my computer and guitar were unavailable, I'd watch TV. If there was no TV, that's okay, I would still be able to listen to music on my iPod. If, in some abstract hypothetical situation, I had none of those things, I would just go to work, spending my days earning money...

These are the things I do to entertain myself. This week, however, HBoO is on vacation. My computer crashed. Comcast (those meddling bastards) shut off my TV thanks to an error in billing. My iPod's hard drive crashed. And, to top it off, I smashed my right index finger in a car door, putting me out of work and crushing any hope of playing guitar for a couple of weeks...

...
...
...

..so this is what I've been reading...

Coraline by Neil Gaimen
A little girl named Coraline moves into a new house and discovers a secret netherworld behind a sealed doorway. After narrowly escaping, Coraline's parents become trapped in this world and it is up to her to rescue them.

Three words. Creepy (and) as (and) fuck. I believe this book was written for teens, the story is quite simplistic, but what a chilling tale. Gaimen REALLY knows how to provoke fear in the hearts of his readers. The illustrations helped...

Do yourself a favor and read this one in the middle of the day. Otherwise, expect nightmares.

Barrel Fever by David Sedaris
I read Me Talk Pretty One Day and Dress Your Kids in Corduroy and Denim before HBoO let me borrow this one. Apart from the usual hilarious memoirs, this book included a section of short fictional autobiographies taking the perspective of a cast of characters that only Sedaris could dream up. I laughed. I cried. I'm surprised that this was written before the cesspool of entertainment known as the internet came to fruition. Barrel Fever, written in 1994, was way ahead of its time.

World War Z by Max Brooks
A historical account of the zombie apocalypse from the perspective of those who survived it. George A. Romero invented the modern zombie and used his horror to present a political message. If anybody can be named his successor, Max Brooks would be on the short list. His first plunge into the world of the undead, The Zombie Survival Guide, laid out the ground rules. World War Z put those rules to the test. It passes. Throw in some healthy criticism of our society, and you have yourself a damn good book. However, it's not for everybody. Brooks takes his material very seriously, and it shows. It reads like an actual historical account, not a work of fiction, so the casual reader should stay away. But, for those that love zombies or history novels or both, World War Z is definitely worth the read.

Invisible Monsters by Chuck Palahniuk
A beautiful model gets her face shot off, her homosexual brother dies of AIDS, and a lot of other weird gross shit happens.

Everyone calls Chuck Palahniuk a shock novelist. I don't see it. Maybe it's because I spend so much time on the internet. Tubgirl? *shrug*. 2 Girls 1 Cup? Meh. I'm desensitized. Palahniuk's graphic descriptions of "felching" made me chuckle. This book is fast paced. And confusing. And strange. But that's what I expected, so I can't really complain. I'm not going to spoil it, but the ending is a revelation that makes you go, "Whoa!". But then there's another one. And another one. And another. By the last chapter, my "Whoa"'s became "WTF"'s which became *eye rolls*'s. I don't know. I liked Fight Club. Maybe it's because I saw David Fincher's movie first...

---

That's all for now. HBoO comes home on Sunday, by then I'll have probably read Galapogos and Cat's Cradle by Kurt Vonnegut and Rant by Chuck Palahniuk. Compy II is still in production, so there may be some more entries like this in the future..:-)

-Matt

Compy II is in production...

2008-07-21T10:41:00.000-04:00

After the tragic death of Compy, I immediately set out to find a replacement. I ordered Compy II Friday, a Dell laptop customized to my specifications, but it's projected arrival date is August 6th. No computer for three whole weeks. *twitch!*

I know it's sad and pathetic to all of the older people out there, but what do I DO all day to keep my mind occupied? HBoO went home this weekend to play piano for church, and I've never experienced such mental anguish. Sitting in my small room with no computer, access to the internet, friends to hang out with, or a job to go to, I did all the things I could think of to occupy my time. At 10 AM on Saturday, I read Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim by David Sedaris and a good portion of Alice in Wonderland. I played guitar for a while, then took a drive to TCNJ and walked around the campus taking pictures. After that, I ate some sushi, drove home, took a shower, and looked at the clock. Many of the day's hours remained. The library was closed, so I couldn't take out any more books. I lacked the funds to buy anything with entertainment value. The rest of the weekend scarily resembled this...

This Friday, HBoO is leaving for a family vacation. She'll be gone for eight days, and I'll be alone in my house again with no computer. I need suggestions. Anything to occupy my time. Your help is much appreciated and will contribute to preserving my sanity...

Thanks in advance..:-)

-Matt

RIP Compy 2005-2008...

2008-07-17T19:55:00.002-04:00

A couple of months ago, the first signs became apparent. Like an unexpected cough on a made-for-TV movie (thanks David Sedaris), the initial appearance of the belligerent BSoD (Blue Screen of Death) meant that it was only a matter of time before I would be saying goodbye to my good friend Compy. As the BSoD became more frequent and basic operations took more and more time, I started planning ahead for the future. I knew the end was near when I hooked Compy up to an external hard drive. It's own had become a diseased, burnt-out shell of an organ...

And, just yesterday, Compy's operating system shut down, never to be uploaded again. RIP Compy, I will miss thee...

Stay tuned for when I get a replacement and can write some more blogs. Until then, a hiatus..:-(

-Matt

The Comcast experience...

2008-07-13T14:14:00.007-04:00

Today, I have the internet. Let's say that first. I shouldn't be upset, because I have the one technological development that I could not live without (sad, I know). But HOLY SHIT, what a fucking process...

Two men showed up at my door to install both digital cable and high speed internet. Wait, no. Let me start again. One man showed up at my door, the other was already lounging in the back of the van on a cigarette break. After taking a quick look around the house, the other left to join him. After fiddling with the box outside for fifteen minutes, they entered the house and stood baffled at the crappy wiring job my landlord had done. Finally, they got to work, but, once everything was hooked up, I still had no TV or internet. Instead of contacting somebody who knew what to do, they both decided to call their friends and discuss their plans for the evening (drinking and smoking with homies). Their next order of business was to offer me drugs, to which I suggested they call Comcast directly and ask for assistance with the job at hand. This proved successful in the TV department, but access to the information superhighway (LOL) was still beyond our grasp...

Then, the unexpected happened. The two professional internet technicians decided that connecting me to the internet was beyond their qualifications and left. Yeah. They were gone and I was alone in my house with no internet. Again. Luckily, they had left a copy of my receipt with a previous owner's phone number on it, so I was able to call Comcast and get ahold of a representative who registered my modem and fixed all my problems. Now, I have the internet. Well, sort of...

This is where cable and internet should be...
But this is where the talented Comcast technicians installed it...
This should make my landlord and housemates pretty happy...

...
...

-Matt

Two for one special...

2008-07-11T22:17:00.003-04:00

It feels so good to write blog entries, I think I'll do another..:-)

HBoO and I were just sitting in her bedroom, both furiously enjoying our newfound connection to the internet when, suddenly, I got an IM...

"INTANETS!!!!"

"Where??"

"RIGHT BEHIND YOU!!!!!"

*turns head*
AAAHHHHHHH INTANETS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

...

...

Maybe you had to be there..>_>

-Matt

Time slips away in my absence...

2008-07-11T21:01:00.002-04:00

I'm cursed. Every time I find myself in a new location, I have serious issues with obtaining internet access. Some of you may remember an instance where I disappeared from the face of the earth for six crucial days. When I returned home from England, my parents had set up a fancy new encrypted wireless connection. They were pretty pissed when I enlisted the help of HBoO's dad to hack into their system and unlock the internet to the public, but what was I supposed to do? My parents can barely email, they would have called some guy who would charge $500/minute to type in a few IP addresses and check a few boxes. And, here we are, all moved up to my new house near TCNJ, and more shit has accumulated on my proverbial fan. I thought my housing contract provided internet access, but, alas, it did not. It'll be fixed on Sunday, but tons of stuff has happened and, damnit, I need to write about it on the internet..!

HBoO and I went to New York to see our favorite Broadway show, Spring Awakening, and HOLY SHIT SON!!!! It was the best thing I've ever seen. Seriously. My parents bought me tickets for my 21st birthday and, because they obtained them so far in advance, we got front row center. FRONT. ROW. CENTER!!!!

Any Broadway show would be an orgasmic experience in that position, but I got to see Spring Awakening, THE coolest show ever. For those that don't know, it's about a bunch of naive 19th century German teens who discover their own sexuality. Yeah. For the uninitiated, that sounds pretty damn retarded. I was skeptical last year when HBoO made me listen to the soundtrack, but it grew on me really fast and became one of my favorite albums. Seeing it live, however, is an experience beyond belief. No words could possibly do it justice, so do yourself a favor and drop $100 to see it. Right now. Stop reading. This is not a joke..>_>

That's all for now. I have more stuff to say, but this entry is becoming too eclectic. More to come, expect regular entries starting Sunday..:-)

-Matt

The situation...

2008-07-08T16:38:00.002-04:00

I moved up to TCNJ on Sunday, and my house lacks internet. I'm at the library right now because I'm HARD x CORE, hopefully I'll get up the courage to call the local internet company and tell them that, if it isn't too much trouble, they should be at my house one day next week between the hours of 8 AM and 6 PM where I'll be waiting diligently and without complaint. *World's largest eye roll*

Expect updates in the unforeseeable future..:-)

-Matt

Heartwarming explosions...

2008-07-05T22:16:00.002-04:00

Earlier tonight, I was driving home from HBoO's house when, suddenly, I saw a brilliant white light in the sky. This light was followed immediately by a loud bang, so my initial reaction was one of indescribable woe and anguish...

"Fuck. I'm dead. I died. I'm dead."

Fractions of a second later, the white light in the sky expanded and transformed into dozens of smaller red and green lights branching outward in a circular pattern away from the epicenter. This familiar combination of sound, color, and shape tickled my occipital lobe, telling me that I was not dead, but, instead, witnessing a fireworks display.

"Ooooohhhh!!! Aaaahhhhhh!!!"

I pulled over to the side of the road, now noticing that several other motorists had done the same and watched the tail end of the show, my eyes all lit up like a puppy in a window and my heart skipping a few beats...

I love fireworks..:-D

-Matt

Urban legends come true...

2008-07-01T18:36:00.005-04:00

The other day, as I slowly drifted in and out of consciousness while working at the pool store, I heard a very peculiar sound. And by heard a very peculiar sound, I mean smelled an incredibly pungent stench. Who had walked through the glass double doors other than...
SASQUATCH!!!!!!!!!!!!! RUN AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wait a minute...

Why is Sasquatch wearing socks and sandles? I can understand being shirtless, he has enough body hair to keep himself warm in the coldest of winter months, but since when has Sasquatch started dressing like an unfashionable dad, and why is he asking me if we sell Ph Rise..???

Oh wait, it's just your average Piper Pools customer. Nothing to see here folks, let's move along...

-Matt

I'm not handy...

2008-06-30T19:39:00.003-04:00

There is one thing that makes me more frustrated and upset than anything else, and that thing is Doritos. Aside from that, however, I can't fix things. Give me a step by step procedure on how to build something (IKEA, I'm looking at you), and I will flounder. I was not born with the ability to mend broken appliances, toys, or machines. Even things that aren't broken but need routine maintenance, I will inevitably fail in epic fashion...

The big thing that made me think of this today was a flat tire. As I drove from work to home, I felt a slight wobble and, upon inspection, found that a nail was embedded in one of my rear tires. Luckily, I was in my driveway when I discovered this. Now, however, I face the ultimate dilemma...

How the f--- do I fix this..!?

Usually, when things like this happen, I accept that the thing is broken and choose to live peaceably. Take, for instance, the receipt machine at work. The end of the paper roll is splattered with red ink so that a hard working employee (not unlike myself) will realize that the roll needs to be changed. This involves the simple process of placing a new roll in the machine and slipping the end through the feeding mechanism...

Yeah...

I can't feed the paper through. I just..can't. My brain shuts down and I don't know what to do, so I go stock some shelves until somebody else takes the register, realizes the paper needs changing, and does it. I fail. What the hell is wrong with me..!!??

So I have this flat tire. There was nobody around to fix it, so I took it upon myself to figure out the solution. I watched an instructional video on the internet, saw that it was quite simple, and went to work...

Step 1: Find a spare tire.

First obstacle, and it's much too high. The fact that I'm writing this blog entry instead of continuing my quest to fix my car is proof that I fail at life. I suck. I lose. Somebody kill me...

At this point, I'd rather move to the mountains of Bhutan, grow a big fuck-off beard, and do rain dances with native children than fix my flat tire. Now then. Where can I find me some plane tickets to Bhutan... ... ...

-Matt

My fellow species...

2008-06-29T22:22:00.003-04:00

There are some things in life that are worth being punched in the face for. Snapping this photo was one of them. Call me an asshole, a cynic, a pessimist. I don't care. Human beings are ridiculous and deserve to be made fun of with little to no remorse. Myself included. Aside from the casino, the boardwalk, and probably NASCAR, there are few places on earth that attract the insane moreso than the pool store...

I present to you, reader(s) of my blog, with the specimen above. Wearing dark shades to hide his aging eyes, he lets his shaggy mane go unwashed for days. His red polo with checkered sleeves and collar show that he knows how to combine business and casual ware with relative ease. Nothing, however, says, "I'm ~~awkward~~ confident!" more than that shorts/socks combination. I don't care what anybody says, it takes massive balls of steel to leave the house looking like that...

I just hope those skin tight cutoffs don't chaff..:-|

-Matt

A new format...

2008-06-29T17:10:00.002-04:00

I made some changes, what do you guys think..?

If only I was better at HTML, it wouldn't have taken six billion guess and checks to see which template worked with which picture dimensions for my header. Finally, I said screw it and came up with what you see now. Yes? No? This blog design makes me want to scoop out my own heart with a rusty spoon?

Feedback is appreciated. Thanks in advance..:-)

-Matt

Spoiled rotten...

2008-06-28T19:08:00.003-04:00

"Ew!"

"What?"

"What the hell is this?"

"Cereal?"

"Where's my Rice Crispies? What IS this?"

"Crispy Rice..?"

"Ew! That's GROSS!!! I'm not gonna eat this? Why would mom do this? Now it's gonna go to waste..!"

I went food shopping with my mom last night. In an attempt to save some money, I suggested she buy the generic versions of the cereals that populated the grocery list. We saved $20, mostly because the cereal's titles were rearranged. So, Rice Crispies became Crispy Rice, Crispix became Crisp Corn and Rice, Fruity Pebbles became Crispy Colors, and, my favorite...

Frosted Flakes became Frosted Flakes of corn...

Of course, my spoiled little sister freaked out tonight when she saw that her beloved card board wafer bits had changed boxes, but I guess you can't please everybody. She'll get used to it...

..One day...

-Matt

Accurate descriptions lead to unexpected outcomes...

2008-06-23T02:13:00.002-04:00

In HBoO's latest entry, she talks at length about her awesome friends Ilana, Lindsey, and Karen. When their powers combine, they become ~~CAPTAIN PLANET!~~ MILK, because their first names spell the word milk. Most bloggers label their entries with some key words to help people using search engines to find their blog. HBoO labeled her post "MILK", which got me thinking about potentially misinformed internet surfers stumbling upon her blog...

"I like this entry, but your label is deceptive..."

"How so?"

"Well, the entry itself is about the evolution of friendships over time, but you labeled it as a post about a delicious beverage..."

"..so?"

"I'm just saying that this label is going to attract a horde of milk enthusiasts who will be very disappointed that your entry doesn't focus on their liquid of choice. I'd be wary if I were you..."

"... ..."

She thought my concerns were unfounded, but then (after a bit of searching), I discovered THIS!!!

Not only are there enough milk enthusiasts out there to require the renting of a Hilton convention hall, but, apparently, these particular milk fans are also Civil War buffs..!

Watch out HBoO! The International Association of Milk Control Agencies is after you, and they're dressed in confederate gray!!! AAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

-Matt

Why it's cool to work in a pool store...

2008-06-20T20:48:00.003-04:00

*Old man walks through the double doors and makes his way to the chemical shelves...*

"Hi, sir. Can I help you with anything?"

"Yeah. I've been having some trouble getting my chlorine level up this year. Is there anything that can help me keep it up? I've been shocking it every night, but I've got nothing."

*snicker*

"Sounds like you need some stabilizer. How big is your pool?"

"It's not too big, I'm trying to remember if I've had this problem before. I've been doing this for years, but it's only just now that I've had a problem. Wait. Come to think of it, I have had this problem a few times before..."

*chuckle*

"Hmm..I think you should bring in a sample so that we can test it. That'll help us figure out the problem."

"Okay, thanks a lot..."

"Not a problem..."

I love this job..:-)

-Matt

A new look...

2008-06-13T23:21:00.005-04:00

HBoO and her sister were browsing through bathing suit cover-ups at Target for what seemed like hours, what's a guy to do..?
If you said, "Emasculate yourself!," you'd be correct...

Also, I found this...
For those that enjoy water but wish it was more flavorful, love cucumbers, but only in moderation, and prefer liquids without the shot of glucose, THIS is the drink for you..;-P

-Matt

Appealing to my female audience...

2008-06-12T00:35:00.004-04:00

Today, I'm going to talk about shoes...

Recently, HBoO and I went shopping in an attempt to replace my timeworn footwear. It was a bit of a sad moment for me, because this particular pair of shoes had seen so much. These were the shoes that had spanned much of our relationship, not to mention all of the adventuring in Europe. In one store, we found my shoe's clone...
Look at the new shoe on the left, proud to be fresh off the assembly line and naive to the hardships ahead. Now look at my old shoe, eight months on and it has seen the soil of four different countries and shielded my delicate feet against countless landscapes...
A feeble old man awaiting the next life standing beside a rising star of the next generation...

Or maybe it's just a shoe...

-Matt

Marking my territory...

2008-06-10T20:10:00.006-04:00

HBoO and I were driving in the New Jersey countryside when we noticed something very peculiar positioned every few feet on the side of the road...
The following conversation ensued:

"You know what we should do?"

"What?"

"Steal one of these safety cones."

"... ... ...OKAY!!"

*pulls over*

*steals safety cone*

"I don't know if you know, but there is a stolen safety cone in our backseat."

"What if we get pulled over?"

"Then the cop will probably question us on how we obtained that safety cone. He'd say something like, 'Is there a reason why that safety cone so closely resembles the dozens of other safety cones on this road?' to which I'd reply, 'Same store?' to which he'd reply, 'Safety Cone Depot?' to which I'd reply, 'Shit yeah! Buy two get one free!'"

"..."

---

If you guys remember last entry, you'd know that we were at TCNJ but I didn't have my suitcase. That suitcase was supposed to be used to claim my bedroom in my shared house. However, I think this was much more effective...
-Matt

srs bsns...

2008-06-09T23:44:00.002-04:00

100th blog post!!!!

Today, I'm going to show you what love is...

I woke up this morning at 6 AM. If you've been reading my blog, you know that this is much closer to a bedtime for me, but a piercing shriek stung my eardrums just as the morning sun had broken the horizon, and I suddenly found myself standing under a jet of cool water, reaching for soap through one half opened bloodshot eye. I quickly threw some things into a suitcase (still sitting in the middle of my floor from England), packed some leftover foodstuffs into a cooler, and started driving to HBoO's house. I arrived at 7:16 AM, ten minutes late, much to the chagrin of my darling sugar snuffles. I immediately sensed imminent danger as I listened intently to the orders she gave me...

"You're late. Grab my TV from the garage. No, you're suitcase won't fit. Get in the car, we need to leave."

This was not a time for arguing. We sat in silence as HBoO drove north to her house at school. Forty-five minutes and not a word. Our mission today was sentry duty at her house. The electrician was going to arrive at some point between 8 AM and 4:30 PM (no joke), and it was our job to let him in. For two and a half hours we sat on an unfurnished wooden floor. Today's heat index was a record high (106 degrees), air conditioning was nonexistent. For hours we sat around impatiently waiting. Hugs and kisses were sparse. Finally, the electrician showed up, freeing us from our piping hot prison...

The next order of business was to get lunch and buy me some shoes. We went to a sub shop, one of those Jersey-style places that are proud to prepare their food two parts grease to one part food. For some reason, it took about twenty minutes for them to prepare two sandwiches, an act that only fanned the flames. Our shoe shopping excursion proved successful, but not before a small meltdown where I was scolded for being too picky about my footwear...

We still had some time before HBoO's interview, so we stopped at Border's Books to read some stuff. We sat silently across from each other, her reading Cosmo and me the new David Sedaris memoir. For half an hour, all of my attempts to communicate epically failed, driving my morale lower and lower...

The turning point came when it was time to decide what to do for dinner. She suggested eating out at TGI Fridays which I (stupidly) opposed because of a lack of funds. I asked if she wanted to buy some ingredients and cook dinner to which she coldly responded, "No. It's no fun to cook with you!"

Silence. It took an hour to get home, and, again, not one word was spoken...

Back at her house, she gave me the cold shoulder and ran away to her basement. Even her sister knew something was up. I chased after her and an argument ensued...

"We need to talk. Tell me what's bothering you..."

"Nothing..."

*At this point she turns the TV on and starts playing guitar to avoid me. I sit in silence for a moment...*

"I'm not stupid. I know you're mad about something. Tell me..."

"I thought we were going out to eat, and then, all of a sudden, you didn't have enough money. You got my hopes up, that's it..."

"I don't think you understand my situation, I'm $1200 in debt and..."

*Her mom*

"DINNER!!!"

Saved, for now. Dinner distracted us, then she had to drive her sister to a music lesson. I sat in the back seat in silence until we got there. An attempt to resolve the situation was thwarted by a rogue fly which caused HBoO to storm off in frustration. I escaped to a bathroom where I collected myself for a few minutes before taking HBoO outside to finish our argument. It ended in tears...

At her house, we made our way to the basement to talk, when, suddenly, HBoO was doubled over in pain. She had a UTI, this one much worse than usual. Without even thinking about anything that had happened prior to that moment, I began listing options to fix the problem. Do you want me to get you some medicine? Drive you to the emergency room? Let's call the doctor. Anything. What can I do..?

I ended up driving her to the supermarket to pick up some cranberry juice and Tylenol. We joked in the aisles and I gave her lots of hugs and kisses, promising that everything would be fine. We got back to her house and she began drinking the juice as we looked up remedies on the internet. Before I knew it, we were cuddling on the couch as I assured her that she was going to be okay...

There's a lot to say about everything that happened today. Despite serious arguments, frustration, and unhappiness, there wasn't a single moment where I doubted my feelings for HBoO. She is the best thing that ever happened to me and I know that I'll be there for her when she needs me. Love transcends petty arguments and ill feelings. When the moment comes, you are there for the person you love no matter what. There's nothing that will ever be more important in life...

Love may be the most difficult part of our lives, but it's also the most rewarding. I'm proud to say that I love my HBoO..:-)

-Matt

The way dates should be...

2008-06-06T00:52:00.006-04:00

Today was my day off from work, so I got up pretty early and drove to HBoO's house for some festivities. The weather was more than pleasant, so we hopped on some bikes and road to the nearest public park which happened to be adjacent to New Jersey's most serial killer filled forest...
Being avid fans of the horror genre, she and I knew the only logical thing to do was explore this forest without letting anybody know of our whereabouts. Soon, we were hopelessly lost in an intricately woven web of trees and underbrush. HBoO wasn't very pleased...
Facing certain death by starvation, machete, or both, I decided to climb up to the forest's canopy to see if I could spot any landmarks...
It was then that I realized that we were in a New Jersey forest. This meant that walking in any direction for more than five minutes would lead to a housing development and/or strip mall. Five minutes later, we found ourselves in a shoe store, much to HBoO's delight. While she danced with glee and tried on dozens of glittery high heels, I discovered that the couches scattered throughout the store were actually gigantic E. Coli...
It was here that HBoO had to make a very difficult decision. Would she flee from a massive unstoppable bacterium that devoured all in its path, or stick around to try on more shoes..?

After a few hours of fending off giant amoeba with my bare fists, we decided to grab some food at Wawa, my first opportunity to do so since coming home from England. Back safe at HBoO's house, we ate our delicious food and snuggled up on the couch watching Raiders of the Lost Ark...

Life doesn't get much better than that..:-)

-Matt

A new chapter...

2008-06-04T21:46:00.003-04:00

That's it. My last picture of England. The end of my studying abroad experience. The end of an era...

For those that read this blog as a travel blog, I'm sorry to say that my next big crazy adventure won't be happening until May 2009. If this upsets you, I guess I'll see you guys in a year. For everybody else, this blog is changing gears a bit. Now, I have a day job, I'm living at home with my family, and trying to gain back all of the weight that I lost in England. Boring, I know. What am I supposed to do..? (For those out there that are screaming, "Hang out with your girlfriend all the time, dumbass!", all I have to say to that is yes..that's a good idea)...

I'm scrounging for some new material at the moment, and this is what I've come up with...
Most. Useless. Product. EVAR!!!1

They call it doggy paddling for a reason. That reason is that dogs know how to swim and don't require separate flotation devices. Guess what part of my job is? Yup, I have to try to sell these...

Well, technically, I'm a professional water testing technician/sales clerk/stocker of shelves at Piper Pools Inc, but, after seeing these, it has become my personal goal to sell them to unsuspecting customers. Let the bullshitting begin..:-)

-Matt

Technical Difficulties...

2008-06-02T10:34:00.001-04:00

I'm home in New Jersey, but I'm having issues with my internet. I'll update again when the situation is under control. Sorry in advance, I know some of you ~~delve hours and hours of entertainment from this~~ are wondering if I'm alive...

Hope to update soon..:-)

-Matt

Reflections...

2008-05-29T21:11:00.007-04:00

I'm taking a train to London, then, on Saturday morning, I'm flying home. It's been 130 days since I got on a plane and found myself in England, nervous but excited to see a new place and absorb the culture. That day, I met Eugen, my crazy Romanian flatmate, who introduced me to the group of people that I would spend the next four months with. But, here we are, it's the last day. I'm not sure how to feel about it. I'm definitely excited to go back home and enjoy the superior weather, free food, and the company of my family and HBoO, but I have this really sick feeling about returning to America and having my group of friends, the best friends I've ever had, being three thousand miles away. It's a difficult situation to face, an emotional roller coaster with exciting highs and depressing lows. One minute, I can't wait to eat my mom's food, sleep in my own bed, and give HBoO the hugs she deserves, the next, I'm practically in tears knowing that I'll never be lounging in Flower's room air drumming to Rush and playing Civilization III until 6 AM ever again. I don't know how to feel...

The rest of this entry is dedicated to my friends who, unfortunately, I won't see for a long time (in alphabetical order)...
Amy: Fellow history student, one of the nicest people I know, and the butt of every racist joke that Flower, Oliver, and I can muster (Sorry!). As Mark always says, you WILL make a great mother one day, what with all the life advice, back massages, and stern talkings to that we get. I'll miss the face you always make when we suggest that you date Mark..:-)
Eugen: You crazy foreigner! Seriously, though, you are the most skilled person I know. If I ever need something assembled, cooked, or customized, I know exactly who to turn to. From the stuffed peppers to the cool lights in Flower's room, you have provided our group with all of the amazing gadgets, stenciled shirts, and delicious food that we could ever ask for. Whatever you end up doing, I'm certain you'll be great at it..:-)
Flower: Where do I even begin? From the music to the guitaring to the sarcasm to the video games, we have nearly the same taste in everything. We've been through hell and back together, from sleeping in subways during blizzards to confronting your parents about drugs, university, and life, we've been through it all. I know you'll figure your shit out, I'll always be there to help..:-)
Joe: There are too many cool things to narrow it down to a paragraph, so I'll just say the first things that come to mind. You are a sensible guy who knows what he wants. You are genuine, honest, and really really cool. Also, you have impeccable comedic timing. Remember when you had liquid in your knee and were absent for a few days? Punchlines ceased to exist during that time, only to be replaced with "I miss Joe!"..:-)

Layla: It's a shame you could only come up on the weekends, we missed you during the week. You and Flower are the perfect couple (awww), keep it up, because he really likes you. Enjoy Northumbria next year, and make sure to keep me updated on the group situation. You're my eyes and ears while I'm away..:-)
Mark: Marcus, Marcus, Marcus..what do I say? A social networking genius, currently with 706 Facebook friends. I've never met a nicer person. You are an integral part of our group, providing nonstop entertainment in the form of stories, drunken shananagins, and other Larry David type behaviours. I'll always remember, THIS. IS. SPARTA!!!!
Oliver: You sexy sexy bastard. You truly are a man beyond words. One of the few people on earth who is more offensive than I am, I don't know how you do it. One thing's for certain, you, Flower, and me in a room spells trouble for anybody within fifty miles..:-)
Zoe: Hiya! Are you alright? Upbeat, cheerful, and always regretting the night before, you are an awesome friend. I'm happy for you and Eugen, I hope everything keeps on as well as it is. Hanging out with you was a real treat..:-)

There's more, of course, but I lack pictorial evidence at the moment. To Stu, Cheskah, and Jordan, you guys are awesome as well. I wish we could have hung out more. All the parties were tons of fun, and I hope to hear from you in the coming months. Have fun, and stay smart..:-)

Well, there you have it, a tribute to my friends. I love you guys, it won't be the same without you..:-)

-Matt

Together in London...

2008-05-20T08:24:00.016-04:00

Apology: Sorry, sorry, sorry. I meant to post this entry days ago, but there was some confusion with transferring pictures between my hard drive and my friend's computer. I now have the pictures, so, without further ado, I present our trip to London..:-)

HBoO thought it would be a great idea to stay up all night on Wednesday because we had to catch an early flight to London. I was fine with this because of my history with insomnia, but HBoO passed out sometime after 5 AM. Having forgotten to drink any water the day before, HBoO woke with a hangover of death. Luckily I was able to muster the strength to get our stuff together and get to the airport on time. When we arrived, obtaining tickets and eating a Boots meal deal went off without a hitch, but airport security decided to throw us a curve...

I approached the conveyor belt and handed the guy my jacket, bag and shoes. He told me to walk through the security laser thing, forgetting to tell me to empty my pockets. Lots of beeping happened, then I was patted down and practically stripped and prodded with phallic objects and JESUS CHRIST I WANT TO GO HOME MOMMY!!!!

Then we flew on a plane and landed in Heathrow. Getting to our hotel was easy, coping with the sheer epicosity and opulence was difficult. Just a month ago, I had danced with joy when encountering a bathtub. Now, I was staring at this...
We spent hours trying to figure out how to describe how awesome that bed was. We came up with "oppressively comfortable". I literally felt crushed and helpless under the sheer wonder of the bedsheets. We thought about renting a movie, but it cost 7.50 for a single viewing (roughly $15). Yeah, no...

After reaffirming that we could use HBoO's mom's credit card for a few things, we took advantage and had dinner downstairs and ordered a bottle of wine afterwards. It was quite romantic...
For those that don't know (most of you), this trip marked HBoO and my one year anniversary as a couple. Most of our time was spent reminiscing about all the cool stuff that we've done over the past twelve months. It was a pretty awesome year...

The next day, we got up early and went into the city center. Our first stop was Fleet Street, home of the infamous Sweeney Todd. We couldn't help but sing snippets from the musical, most notably belting out, "Attend the tale of Sweeney Todd. He served a DARK and a VENGEFUL god! What happens then well that's the play and he wouldn't want us to give it away..."

Yeah, we're dorks. We even found 186 Fleet Street, the building that Sweeney supposedly lived in...
It doesn't get much creepier than that...

Our next stop was Trafalgar Square and the National Gallery. We took a look at the impressionist section (HBoO and I love to run away from a paintings then run up close), then spent some time trying and failing to climb all over the monument in the middle of the square. It was good fun...
Next, we headed down the street to see the houses of Parliament, Big Ben, and Westminster Abbey. These places were packed to the brim with tourists from all over the world, all screaming in their native tongues and jumping out into the street to avoid stampeding herds of young students. It was quite a sight...
The Abbey was closed, but we found a back entrance that went into the catacombs and the cloister where all the monks live. We had to sneak around a bit to avoid authoritative members of the clergy, but it was totally worth it for this...
At this point, we were getting hungry, so we walked back to Fleet Street to eat in the world's creepiest tavern...
This was HBoO's last sit down meal in England. In the few days that we spent together, I got her to eat a full English breakfast, fish and chips, steak pie, Gregg's, and a Boot's meal deal. Eating doesn't get much more British than that. After navigating our way back through the city to our hotel, we stayed up all night talking about how old we felt. There we were in a foreign city alone together paying for our own meals and utilizing public transportation on our own, staying in a hotel without parents, and planning our own vacation itinerary. Kids just don't do that...

So, HBoO had an awesome time in England (I think). We saw a huge number of landmarks in three different cities spanning the entirety of England, sipped wine in a four star hotel, ate traditional English food, and flew on a plane together. It was one of the best experiences I've had so far on this trip, and I got to share it with the girl that I love. Life doesn't get much better..:-)

-Matt

If you want to read more about this trip, HBoO is writing a series of vignettes about the experience. You can find them here.

She came to Newcastle...

2008-05-17T20:54:00.012-04:00

I realize now that I never mentioned that HBoO was coming to Newcastle to visit me. Well, she did come, and her experience was (hopefully) awesome. The whole time I've been gone, her and I have been keeping a constant connection via Skype, which has worked out pretty well, but then she got the bright idea to ask her parents if they would fund a trip to England for Matt visitation rights. Against all odds, they said yes. Not only that, but they also set us up in a 4 star Marriott Hotel in London for two nights. Best. Birthday present. EVAR..!!!

I learned of the good news via text message while I was gallivanting in Europe. Since then, we'd been diligently planning HBoO's imminent arrival. I got all dressed up and acquired some flowers and a cake (by request). She showed up at Newcastle airport Sunday night, where we remained attached for about half an hour. I'll skip a description of the mushy hugging and kissing part and just leave you with this video. Warning: GHEEYYYY!!!!! (but a good approximation)...

Then, I introduced her to all of my friends sporadically, starting with Flower and then branching out to the whole group. Everybody liked each other, so that was a success, but a few unfortunate events nearly ruined the Newcastle experience. Remember chavs? Well, after a brief mission to Flower's friend's house, the three of us were accosted by a drugged up chav couple. SCARY. AS. FUCK!!!

Luckily, they had combined some ecstasy pills with the usual copious amounts of alcohol, so they ended up being harmless, but it was annoying and stressful to be followed back to Knoll Court by scary drunk chavs who insisted on thinking that HBoO was Chinese even after we told them she was Filipino. Crisis narrowly averted...

The next day, our plan was to visit The Baltic, but all of the exhibits were being reworked, so we had to find an alternate means of entertainment. We ended up walking around the Quayside for a few hours, enjoying the beauty of the city center and the Tyne. Having run out of Newcastle ideas, we decided the best course of action was to spontaneously take a train to York and spend the day frolicking in England's quaintest city. Lots of sightseeing led HBoO to describe York with the following statement:

"Holy shit, Matt, this place is like DISNEY WORLD!!!"

to which I responded:

"Yeah, except these are REAL 13th century ruins, whereas Disney World's attractions are mostly made of plastic..:-P"

*smack!*

I then proceeded to photograph a whole bunch of random stuff (mostly York Minster)...

All in all, taking HBoO to York was the best idea ever. It's easily my favorite place in England, what with all of the picturesque landmarks, cobbled streets, and authentic pubs. Oh yeah, here's a bonus...
Anyone that knows HBoO knows that what followed this scene was a wonderfully choreographed booty shaking to "My Humps" and the milkshake song. Hilarity ensued...

Next will be the London leg of the trip..:-)

-Matt

Jesus CHRIST, the people I attract...

2008-05-11T13:29:00.001-04:00

MELSISA MKALJERSD:FAJEW

Crazy European Adventure Part 11: The Big Finale...

2008-05-11T00:41:00.014-04:00

We train hopped to Calais, relieved to not have to be kicked off anymore public transport. Telling the "we lost our tickets" lie was becoming exhaustive, especially since I did most of the lying and answering questions. But, now we had arrived at our final destination, the port town of Calais. There was only one problem, where the hell is the town? Our view from the train station was this...
Hmm...

We started hiking down the road, looking for a sign pointing to Calais. We had 24 hours to kill before our ferry left, so this was a great way to occupy our time and see rural France...
Eventually, we saw a town in the distance. We knew the road led to a highway, so we took a detour across a few fields...
After walking for a couple of miles, we came upon a patch of forest with a path leading into it. Still of the mindset that we had hours to kill, we decided to explore a bit...
"That's a nice forest," we thought as we walked along the path. Then, we found what looked like an abandoned shack. A place to sleep for the night,perhaps..?
Perhaps not. The shotgun shells and broken beer bottles strewn about the place were tell-tale signs. Also, we saw a brand new video camera and a perfectly made bed through the window. I am %100 sure a serial killer used this place for his victims. We left immediately...

After another hour of walking, we reached Calais. Our plan was to find the beach and sleep in one of the beach huts. For some reason, probably exhaustion, we took the most roundabout way to the beach possible. It took something like four hours to get through the town and we were unhappy about it. Calais is a dump. Broken glass, chavs, and shabby buildings probably constructed in the 1970s were all it had to offer. I learned something on this trip. Port towns SUCK..!

But, finally, we made it to the beach...
We found a beach hut that had been ransacked and decided to fix it up so that we could sleep there for free. It was a two hour project...
Eventually, we gave up. A word of advice. If your floor is covered in sand, it's less work to find a new place to stay rather than clean it up. This is the best we could do...
Home sweet home. Notice the makeshift door. That was an attempt to keep the cold out because, by now, the sun was setting...
Suddenly, the temperature dropped to "Fuck-it's-cold-and-I-can't-feel-my-fingers". Flower and I started collecting wood for a fire. Simon..um...
...Put fishing nets and things made of plastic and metal on top. The smoke was unbearable and sent me into a coughing fit that completely obliterated my voice box for the next week. I was unable to speak for several days afterwards. Also, this was when I developed conjunctivitis in both eyes...

At midnight, we were fed up and decided to hike to the ferry port to see if we could catch an earlier boat. The Calais ferry port is the most confusing place on earth. We walked miles around the docks before we found an entrance and, of course, the doors didn't open. So, we sat in the vestibule and froze for five hours waiting for the port to open...
Not my most attractive moment. At 5:30 AM the doors opened and we took the first ferry back to Dover. On the way back, mother nature gave us a treat...
It had been the adventure of a lifetime, and I'm happy to record it here on this blog so that I'll never forget the trials and tribulations of being stranded in Europe with no money and no place to stay. Taken at face value, the trip was a complete disaster. From the botching of the original train ticket times to bringing Simon along to running out of money, almost everything went completely wrong. However, it was the biggest thrill I've ever experienced, and I wouldn't change a single thing about it. Stay tuned, because in a year's time I'll be taking a month long trek across the USA before flying back to Europe. Now that I have experience in the ways of getting around and surviving, the hardship to enjoyment ratio should be a bit more even...

That's all, we shall now return to our regularly scheduled programming..:-)

-Matt

Remembering old stuff is cool...

2008-05-09T00:55:00.007-04:00

So I'm sitting around trying to think up blog entry ideas, and I realize that I have a whole folder of grainy pictures from my trip to Ethiopia in March 2007 that are just waiting to be photoshopped. I sat down for a couple of hours and fiddled with the ones that were half decent, and here is the result. Be forewarned, these were taken on crappy disposable cameras and are the infant steps of my photographical journeys [Read: They are shit, don't hurt me]. Here they are, some cool photos all the way from Africa...

Hey! Who's that white guy in the last photo wearing the snazzy white polo? Holy shit, that's ME..!!!?

For those that don't know, I used to look like this...
Now, I look a lot more like this...
I guess this goes to show, a lot of things can change in two years, but some things will forever be the same..:-)

-Matt

And now for something completely different...

2008-05-08T00:11:00.002-04:00

I feel like it has been forever since I did a non-Crazy European Adventure blog entry, so I'm going start talking for a while, completely oblivious to my surroundings, then snap back into reality and realize that it's 5:14 AM and I should probably be sleeping. Oh wait, I started this blog entry at 5:14 AM...

Well, then here goes...

I laugh every time some person several years older than me tells me that it sucks to get old because you get tired faster, you get random aches and pains, and eating thirteen chocolate frosted donuts actually causes a physical difference in the shape of your stomach. I know it's completely true. One of these days, my metabolism is going to rebel and I'm going to fall over in a huge heap having wrecked my body for the past few years. I've smoked (in the past), I've done illicit substances that, over time, alter the way my brain and body work, and I never exercise unless you count walking into town to obtain food. I eat..pretty well actually. I cook my own meals and always use fresh market ingredients. Still, I don't have a regular eating schedule. Sometimes I'll eat a huge meal, like, say, four plates at a Chinese buffet, then won't eat anything else for the rest of the day except for a roll and delicious stolen chocolate bars. Candy tastes better when it's stolen...

Right now I'm in pretty decent shape, but I'm completely unhappy with the way I look. I lost tons of weight backpacking and it has yet to come back, no matter how many peanut butter Kit Kats I eat. My arms are THIN, like, concentration camp thin. That's always what I use to describe myself when I haven't spent a summer eating mom's free food and lifting heavy boxes all day at my job. The winter FUCKS ME UP physically. Mentally, too, but we won't go into that. It's pointless to attempt gaining back summer physique now, though, I'll have to wait until I'm back in the states on June 1st...

There's something I can talk about. I have less than a month left in England. ZOMG!!!!1!!one!!1

Can you believe that just three weeks from now, I'll be in New Jersey again. It's weird. This whole experience is going to feel shorter and shorter the further into the future time drifts, until one day I'll only remember a few choice moments and perhaps the first names of the people that I've spent the past three months living with. Fading memories are a scary thing. Luckily, I have this blog to remind me that I've pranced around in Paris , visited Harry Potter sets, and was nearly raped. Wow, now this is turning into a recap "best of" entry. I guess that means I need to start thinking of some new material...

Okay, four paragraphs of rambling should be enough for my reader(s) to endure, I'm off to bed..:-)

-Matt

Crazy European Adventure Part 10: A Series of Unfortunate Circumstances...

2008-05-05T13:42:00.007-04:00

It was time to leave Paris, but the days ahead looked grim. There were four nights between the present and the departure of our ferry back to England, and we had no money and no place to stay. Furthermore, the remnants of Simon's food poisoning were very apparent, he looked like a ghost and was still sporadically dry heaving. There was hope, though, because Simon had 220 Euros waiting for him just down the street. I was down to a mere 15 Euros, but those amounts combined should have lasted us the rest of the trip...

We coaxed Simon out of bed and dragged him outside so that we could obtain our funds and have a meal. That was what kept us going, the prospect of a warm meal. As delicious as French baguette is, hot food is much better for the soul. We made it to the bank and, after a bit of waiting, smiled with glee as the teller handed over the crisp 20 Euro bills...

This was our ticket out. With this money, we could afford rooms in cheap hotels for three of the four nights. We found a cheap place just outside of Paris called Formula 1. It was a chain that existed all throughout Europe, so we planned our route to match up with cities that had Formula 1 hotels...

With this financial boost, our budget jumped from 5 Euros a day to 25 Euros a day. We decided to have a nice warm meal at Monmarte, but Simon was still ill and convinced us to try eating in the dodgy town surrounding the hotel. It was a huge mistake...

We walked from place to place, not too happy with our surroundings. The buildings were dilapidated, the streets not taken care of, and the people looked sketchy. We walked into a couple of places, but nobody was serving food. Three old men smoking pipes and sipping coffee would give us odd looks before an owner would tell us to leave. We needed to get back to Paris...

Now, however, we were lost. We wandered aimlessly through the less-than-pleasant streets before finding an open market. This wasn't a regular open market, though, it was an open BLACK market. People were pawning laptops, guns, obviously stolen clothing and shoes, and every step we took was a new offer for drugs. We all clutched our passports and wallets closely as we quickly made our way through to the other side which led to Monmarte. When we finally made it through, Simon said:

"Wow, that market was really sound. I think we should go back later..."

"Simon, just shut up..."

On the path to Monmarte, we found a cafe that was decently priced. A full meal cost around 10 Euros...

"We'll go here. Simon, how much money did you bring..?"

"Money? I didn't bring any money..."

Good. Now we were sitting in a restaurant that served 10 Euro meals and the three of us, combined, had my 15 Euros. We had to order one small pizza between the three of us which tasted amazing but left our stomachs something to desire...

We got back to the hotel and Simon went for a walk. About half an hour later, he came back with two things, a 5 Euro plate of French Fries and 20 Euros worth of hash. Now that I had no money, I was no longer in charge of the funds and this is what happened. Our food expenditures jumped through the roof, and he never bought anything of much nutritional value. Cherry tarts, biscuits, brioche, it all added up to no money at the end and no filling food in our bellies. Flower and I were livid one day when Simon began tossing bits of baguette on the ground! Wasting food! IDIOT!!!

We were almost arrested when we arrived in Lille the next day by plain clothes police officers. They approached us as we got off the train, mostly because we were scruffy and carrying rucksacks...

"[With badges out] We are the French police. Do you mind if we search your bags? We are just making sure you aren't carrying any drugs or dangerous weapons."

"Yeah, sure. Not a problem. [Opens bag]"

[At this point, one of the cops began rummaging in Flower's pack, only to find a wizard's robe, frilly pink pajama pants, and trippy yellow trousers.]

"Do you do any drugs? Do you smoke marijuana?"

"No."

"No."

"I have some hash! [Takes out hash]"

Guess who said that? LUCKILY these cops were cool and the amount of hash we had wasn't enough to be arrested. LUCKILY we aren't in a French prison right now. I just don't have words for how angry I was when we walked away...

Moving on...

We walked into the town center where it rained for a few minutes. I took the opportunity to snap some photos, like always...
That made me feel much better. We headed back to the hotel when we got tired, but I slept little. Now, thanks to Simon, I had a sinus infection. Breathing was difficult, and every ten minute interval required a nose blowing and a coughing fit. The rest of the adventure would be quite a struggle...

Don't worry, next time I'll have a happier entry..:-)

More to come..:-)

-Matt

Crazy European Adventure Part 9: A 21st Birthday Celebration...

2008-05-03T11:38:00.004-04:00

On April 11th, I turned 21, thus allowing me to consume alcoholic beverages in all nations on earth. Sure, I was in Paris, where the drinking age is 16, so I didn't get to walk into a liquor store or a bar and get IDed. BUT, I did probably have the best birthday ever. And now, I shall relate the tale...

As usual, I woke up first and made my way downstairs to buy/steal some breakfast. On my way back up, I came up with the brilliant idea of waking Flower up and sneaking off to Monmarte without Simon. Just a few hours away from him would have done wonders for my psyche because, all day every day, we were listening to this:

"Hey guys, I'm really blagged about this situation in York. I mean, Hache (crazy drug dealer guy) was one of my best mates and he fucked me over. What an asshole. I don't know what I'm gonna do, because he wants me dead and he told everybody I know and now they want me dead too. I just don't know what I'm gonna do. I can't go back to York because it would be bad. My sister lives in Wales, I can go live with her for a bit until I get my inheritance in November, but I really just want to go back to York. I think I'll go back to York. It'll probably be safe. I think I should quit drugs and become a Christian. Because, I mean, I used to be a Christian, and I think I believe in God. I think I should quit drugs, but if I become a Christian, I'll become a Rastafarian because those are sound guys and they'll know how to get good weed. I wouldn't become a Rastafarian just for the weed, I really like what they think. Also, Rastafarians know where the good raves are. I think I want to quit drugs, but I definitely want to do a huge MDMA and acid session when I get back to York because that really sorts my head out. And I won't quit weed. I'm not addicted, but I know I can't stop. I just won't. I'll smoke weed everyday and probably do LSD every few weeks, but I think I'm gonna quit drugs. A rave once a month would be fun, too. I really want to try every drug. I would definitely do crack and heroine at some point. I really wanna try prescription meds, too. What do you guys think..?"

Non-stop, every day. And then we would answer him and give him really good advice on how to sort his life out, and he'd say, "Aww fuck it, can't be assed. Alreet mate, I'm really blagged. Can't be assed." That's basically us giving him good life advice and him telling us to fuck off. Then the process would start all over again. On top of that, he had zero personal hygiene. He'd almost never shower when the opportunity arose and he had a cold. He'd blow snot and cough everywhere or into his hands and then rub them on things. This made me hopelessly ill for the second half of the trip. Just a gross, horrible human being. Flower and I needed to get away...

We were able to gather our things and leave without waking up Simon, but on our way down the stairs, we were stopped by the guy at reception who told us we needed to check out. I forgot that I had only booked the hotel until the 11th, so I asked him if we could buy an extra day. He told us the room was booked, but that we could have another room. We took it, but this meant that we had to wake up Simon and move our stuff. Operation Abandon Simon was a failure. It's okay, though, because when we got to Monmarte, it looked like this...
What luck. My birthday was the most beautiful day of the entire trip. The clouds were gorgeous, it was significantly warmer than the previous days, and all of the daisies were in full bloom...
It was absolutely perfect. We laid on the grass for hours sunbathing, just taking in how wonderful this place was and how totally worth it it was to come to mainland Europe. Life really doesn't get much better...

Then it did. Across the way, we saw a group of Uni students sitting around and they had a guitar. After going over all of the French vocabulary that existed inside my brain, we approached them and attempted a conversation. We quickly discovered that they all spoke English AND they let Flower and I play the guitar. So, along with sunbathing on the warm grass at the most beautiful place in Paris, we also met some really cool people and got to play guitar. Wow, how can it get any better..?

That day, we found out that Simon was going to get a 220 Euros from his brother sent by money gram. That meant that we didn't have to worry so much about money. We could splurge a bit for my birthday. What did we buy? A bottle of Absynthe. After two shots each, we were quite drunk. We walked back to Monmarte while obliterated and, at one point, I forgot how to walk properly and fell down for absolutely no reason. I would later find out that I sprained my left foot, but at the time, it was pretty hilarious. We kept going...

When we arrived at our destination, we found it more crowded than it was earlier. We sat on the grass again to take in the nighttime scenery and saw, just in front of us, a group of old French guys playing classical guitar. We were drunk, so we immediately approached them and asked if we could play. Luckily, they were drunk as well, so the language barrier was not a problem. Along with allowing us to play their guitar, they shared some bread, tuna, and wine with us. We thanked them, then decided to head back to the hotel for more drinks...

Instead, we all passed out. In our new room, we were all sharing a double bed. I was curled up on the left side, Flower was on the right. Simon dove into the middle and was tossing and turning and moaning all night. He stripped down to his boxers and wouldn't shut up. Flower and I were getting really pissed, because now we were hung over and trying to sleep. Just when we couldn't take it anymore, Simon lept from the middle of the bed to the toilet and began projectile vomiting. After our initial shock, Flower and I sat up in bed and chuckled to ourselves. Simon got food poisoning from the tuna and would spend the next eight hours curled up on the bathroom floor, throwing up every fifteen minutes or so...

A little karma went a long way in making my birthday celebration that much better...

More to come..:-)

-Matt

Crazy European Adventure Part 8: Gallivanting in Paris 3...

2008-05-02T19:30:00.010-04:00

This is it, the third and final installment of Gallivanting in Paris...

We escaped the evil cats of death unscathed and found ourselves at a World War I memorial. The French really know how to commemorate veterans, kings, or just about anything, with a huge ornate structure that tourists flock to marvel at...
I know what you are saying. "Hey, Matt, that's not THAT impressive. Sure, it's a big stone gate with some fancy statues, but you can find that in ANY country."

My answer: No, Mr. Skepticmun, you cannot. I give you the view from underneath...
Yes, that was all hand carved. This is why France is awesome...

Next, we journeyed to Notre Dame, that place where they filmed The Hunchback of Notre Dame, you know, that Disney movie...
From afar, it's not THAT impressive, but up close, you can see how brilliant the set design really is...
That movie must have cost a fortune..:-P

When the sun began to set, we headed back to our hotel. I snapped a few more pictures on the way...
That night, April 10th, I sat in the hotel room eagerly anticipating the stroke of midnight. When it did, this happened...
Twenty one years old and I'm still just a big kid. Tune in next time to find out what I did for my 21st birthday...

More to come..:-)

-Matt

Crazy European Adventure Part 8: Gallivanting in Paris 2...

2008-05-01T07:33:00.014-04:00

I'm going to pick up right where I left off last time. These are the pictures from Paris, but this is part two, so, as a sequel, it'll have bigger explosions and less plot. Casual fans will enjoy this installment more than the first, while the hardcore fans will be deeply disappointed. That's okay, though, because this entry should be a monster hit at the box office either way thanks to a huge gross on opening weekend...

Okay, that's enough. Here's some touristy pictures...
We took lots of pictures of the Eiffel Tower because it took us about an hour and a half to walk there. We met some girls back at the hotel that night, and they were utterly shocked that we walked the two miles to town center every day. "What!? You don't take the METRO!!? Are you CRAZY!!!?"

Yes, yes we are...
More Monmarte because I said so. We did go there four times after all. On our third journey to the best place EVAR!!1, we found this little side area that looked like old Roman ruins. They probably weren't, but there was nobody around, so it was cool to pretend...
GAH SCARY EVIL SKULL BUG!!!! RUN AWAY!!!!!!!11!!!one!!!1

Where should we run away to? How about a creepy old cemetery? Sounds like a plan...
GAH IT'S A SCARY EVIL BLACK CAT AT THE SCARY EVIL CEMETERY!!!!! RUN AWAY!!!!!!1!!11!!!!1

Did we make it out of the evil cemetery of death alive? Who knows? I guess you'll just have to wait until Gallivanting in Paris Part 3...

More to come..:-)

-Matt

Crazy European Adventure Part 8: Gallivanting in Paris 1...

2008-04-29T18:28:00.014-04:00

I tried to fit all of the touristy bits of Paris into one entry, but it was impossible. The city of Paris is teeming with amazingly awesome things to photograph, it's impossible to fit it all into one, so here is part one of our walking around the city...

...

...

I don't even know where to begin with this, so I'll just start posting pictures...

Our room was on the top floor of the hotel. That means that every day we had to walk down five stories of spiral staircases, then back up after a long day of trekking across the monstrous city of Paris...
Remember how I said that we ran out of money? Well, I'd like to present you with what we ate three times a day for ten days. The cheese and peanut butter were stolen, but we bought the baguette for €0.75. This allowed us to spend as little as €4 a day and still eat three times a day. We had enough to spend €9 a day, but we wanted to save a bunch of money for the end when we could have a huge celebratory meal to finish off the adventure. Unfortunately, this plan was ruined by Simon..twice, but I'll explain all of that later...
This is the cathedral at the top of Monmarte, the most brilliant place in Paris and where we spent four of our seven days. There are no photos allowed inside the cathedral, but, it's French, so you can imagine how opulent and grandiose it is...
This is the view from Monmarte. It is the most beautiful place that I have ever seen, this photo doesn't do justice in the least. We were so in awe that we spent hours just standing around staring into the distance...

Other people were spontaneously making out. I've never seen so many couples just going at it in public before. I think they put some kind of pathogen in the air. All I could think about was how much I missed HBoO..:-(
There it is. We spent a day trekking the five miles to the Eiffel Tower. When we got there, we couldn't afford to take THE STAIRS to the top, let alone the elevator. It's okay, though, we had a better plan...
We sat on a bench right next to the tower, eating French baguette and drinking French wine. How much more French can you get..?
Part 2 of 3 of our Paris adventure coming soon..:-)

-Matt

Crazy European Adventure Part 7: Wintering Paris...

2008-04-27T20:41:00.008-04:00

After our much needed night of rest in the one star hotel, we set off to Breda for a few photographs before beginning our journey to Paris...
Then, we hit the road. Well, the railroad...
After lots and lots of getting kicked off trains, we arrived in Paris at 11 PM. After getting lost for about half an hour, we got on track to finding our hotel. At midnight, we found it...
That is not what it looked like when we arrived, though. Darken everything and make it so you can't even see the building because it's covered in snow, and you have a semi-accurate representation of what we saw on the night of April 6th. Yes, as we were walking to the hotel, it started snowing in Paris. Snowing may be an understatement. The temperature dropped to about ten degrees, the winds picked up, and blankets of powder began descending from the heavens. We were FREEZING...

When we walked into the hotel, we were immediately turned away because our booking was scheduled for the next day and check-in wasn't until 8 AM. Oh shit, we were screwed...

Eight hours in a blizzard. That spells death, so we needed to find a place to go. There was a McDonald's across the street that was open until 2 AM, so we sat at a booth in a corner and waited, hoping the storm would pass. At 1:45 AM, it hadn't, and we were kicked out, so it was back to the streets. On our way out, a girl who had just ended her shift asked us for a lighter. She only spoke French, but, with my extremely basic French skills, we were able to communicate to her that we needed a place to stay. She brought us to a hotel down the street and helped us negotiate a price with the guy at reception. When we realized that we couldn't afford even a single room for the night, we asked if we could sit in the lobby for a few hours to stay warm. The guy allowed us, and even made us coffee for free. All my life, I've been told that Parisians are assholes and that they hate Americans, but alls it takes is an attempt at speaking broken French, and they open right up. They let us stay there until 6 AM, but then told us to leave. We thanked them kindly, and ventured outside to find another warm place to kill the time...

The next two hours were spent huddled in a corner in the subway. It was still snowing hard, so being underground protected us from being covered in frozen water. However, it didn't protect us from the biting cold, which crept into our bodies and stung our morale as we crouched into the fetal position to maintain body heat...
To pass the time, we read the Parisian metro maps over and over, which resulted in a lot of unexpected laughter...
Yes, the ORLY Owl brought us moments of joy in such a tremendously depressing situation. In the end, we made it out okay. At 8 AM, we rose from the depths of the Paris Metro and checked into our hotel, where we slept like babies for hours and hours. When we awoke, a shower awaited us, along with a meal of bread and cheese that we stole from the market across the street. Our week in Paris was only just beginning, but it had already been the most adventurous night of the trip...

More to come..:-)

-Matt

Today, I got PUNCHED IN THE FACE...

2008-04-26T16:17:00.003-04:00

Sorry for this not being a Crazy European Adventure installment, but what happened to me today needs to be bloggified ASAP...

Okay. Today, I went to York with Flower and his girlfriend Layla to hang out in this place called The Gardens, which is this big open field littered with thousand year old ruins next to a six hundred year old cathedral. Guess what I forgot to do. If you said charge my camera battery, you are correct. I will probably go back one more time, though, that place is my favorite in all of England...

Anyways, back to the story at hand...

Flower stayed in York because there was some drama between two friends and a girl, and also, he wanted to hang out with his York friends. Layla had to be back home, so I left for Newcastle when she decided to go. I got back to Newcastle and started walking back towards Knoll Court. About fifty feet from the main entrance to the train station, this random asshole blindsided me, knocking my glasses to the pavement. I picked up my glasses and kept walking, not wanting to start trouble with some coked up douche bag who was probably wielding a shank or something. I don't know, I heard that term in a movie once...

Anyway, I realized quite suddenly that I was bleeding profusely from the lip like..Bruce Willis in Die Hard after the main fight scene bleeding from the mouth. Nobody gets away with that, especially some chav outside of the train station in broad daylight. I walked back to the train station and told one of the guards there, who phoned the police. We stood outside and made sure the guy didn't run off anywhere, and the cops showed up about five minutes later. I pointed the guy out, and he was promptly arrested. Now that guy is stuck in a jail cell for two days on assault charges, and I got free medical attention and a glass of water at the station...

I win..:-)

-Matt

Crazy European Adventure Part 6: A Hippy's Plight...

2008-04-24T20:21:00.005-04:00

We train hopped to Breda, a city much smaller and less touristy than Amsterdam. When we arrived, we were in pretty bad condition. None of us had showered for six days because the showers at the cabin were cold and had no towels. It had been cold every day, so we had layered on all of our clothing, which was now getting dirty and crusty. We had gone to a rave and danced for twelve hours in a sea of bodies, so we were covered in stale sweat that wasn't wholly our own. We hadn't eaten or slept in thirty six hours...
Needless to say, shop owners, taxi drivers, and restaurants weren't jumping to accommodate our needs. None of us could speak Dutch, and few citizens of Breda could speak English. We wearily wondered around the city for eight hours, searching for a place to buy cheap food and a place to sleep. We found neither. To call ourselves demoralized at this point in the trip would be an understatement. Especially considering the fact that we were keeping company with Simon, who stopped at nothing to complain about his drug dealing situation while simultaneously suggesting ludicrous ideas that ranged from immature to downright stupid. A lot of bickering happened. Under normal circumstances, Flower and I are scathing critics of anything and everything. In these conditions, we became tag-team assholes with fixed expressions of hate, yelling out insults, muttering under our breath, and being incredibly unpleasant...

It was 10 PM, and we were faced with the option of sleeping rough in a park. It was cold and we were starving, I could see that sleep would not happen and the next day would be even worse, so I made an executive decision. I have a credit card for emergencies that I never use, especially when my parents tell me that I can. This instance was the only in which I had ever used it for an actual emergency. I walked into an internet cafe, logged on, found the cheapest one star hotel in the city limits and booked a triple room for the night. Then, I used the cafe's phone to call a taxi to bring us there. The room cost 71 Euros and the taxi driver ripped us off, charging 13.50 to travel something like four miles. I didn't care, because when we arrived, we were presented with something more amazing than thirteen Euros and change could ever buy...
I have never been more happy to see a bathtub in my life. We literally danced for joy at the prospect of sleeping in a bed with sheets and taking a warm bath. This may have been the highlight of the ENTIRE trip. I wish I was joking. In those seventeen days, I had been in awe at marvelous works of architecture, I had been curious about cultural peculiarities, and I had been pleasantly surprised by my body's ability to cope under the stress of hiking many miles per day. But...

At no point was I happier than when I was laying in that bath tub, soaking off six days of dirt and grime, a huge grin plastered on my soapy face...

More to come..:-)

-Matt

Crazy European Adventure Part 5: How to Travel in Europe for Free, a Guide...

2008-04-23T20:49:00.003-04:00

I took a moment to look at my remaining funds. I had ninety Euros left for the rest of the trip. Simon hadn't had money for days, and Flower had eight Euros in change. We needed to get from southern Holland to Paris in less than twenty four hours. A ticket, that day, would have cost upwards of 150 Euros, but we had knowledge and a plan to get to Paris for free...

We stepped on a train from Dordrecht to Antwerp. The only train that went to Brussels and then to Paris. There were three stops before Antwerp. We took the backseat of the train, the one furthest from the ticket collectors and pretended to go to sleep. Well, I pretended to go to sleep...
We made it past the first stop before the ticket collectors were upon us. An older woman and a man, both with looks on their face of contempt...

"Tickets?"

"Sure thing..."

I reached into the pocket of my hoody. What? There was nothing there. I checked my front pockets, nothing there either. What's going on here? I woke the others...

"Guys, did you take the tickets out of the hotel room?"

"No, you were supposed to grab them..."

"Shit..!"

I searched frantically in my pockets several more times before turning to my bag. I undid all of the zippers, rummaging through clothing, souvenirs, and food...

"I can't find them. I must have left them in the hotel. Shit, I did leave them on the sink. We were in a rush because we woke up late. Damnit! We bought those in advance..."

"Do you have money?"

"No, our holiday is at it's end. We were just returning to Paris before making our way back to the UK. All of our travel is booked..."

"A credit card?"

"No, I don't have a credit card. We use all cash..."

"Passports, please."

We handed him our passports. After looking through them, he pulled out his computer fining machine and began typing in our information. When he got the address portion, he turned to me with a confused face...

"I need an address from you."

"It's not on there?"

"No, it only says New Jersey, USA."

"Oh, well, I can give you an address..."

I gave him a nonexistent house number on a real New Jersey street, and a real zip code. He typed in some letters and numbers, printed out a receipt, and handed me the bill...

62.28 to Matthew Brinn
1120 North Ave. 08037 Blue
New Jersey, United States

"You might be lucky. Our address system doesn't match up with yours. Get off at the next stop and buy yourself a ticket..."

"Not a problem. Sorry for the mistake..."

We got kicked off at the next stop, where we threw away our faulty receipts and waited for the next train. Rinse, wash and repeat. All the way to Paris, then from Paris to Lille, then from Lille to Calais. Not a dime was spent, no bills were sent, and we traveled over a thousand miles for free. If you don't live in a mainland European country, you too can travel there for free..:-)

More to come..:-)

-Matt

Crazy European Adventure Part 4: Raving Outside of Amsterdam...

2008-04-22T07:46:00.006-04:00

It was time to leave Amsterdam. We made our way to the huge train station at the city center. More interesting than the train station, though, was the parking deck...
When I said that there were a lot of bikes in Amsterdam, this is what I meant. How does one find their generic ten speed among eighty thousand other generic ten speeds? I think I'll never know...

We bought train tickets and boarded a train to Dordrecht, a small town in southern Holland. The plan was to go to a rave there all night (a free place to stay), then take a train to Breda and sleep for a day. We arrived in Dordrecht at 8 PM and went to a supermarket to get some pre-rave foodstuffs (Some bread and jam). While walking around, I found a curious advertisement stuck to the wall...
Okay, so we have some balls of clay that vaguely resemble human beings dancing. Presumably, they are dancing because they love some product. This ball of clay, however, takes it a step further. I don't know why hard clay nipples would be necessary in this particular advertisement, or any even, but it is Holland, so who knows. At least they aren't as bad as the French who take sexy anthropomorphizations to a whole new level of creepy...

After some walking around and searching, we found the location of the rave, an old abandoned building that was being used for a squat. For those that don't know, a squat is a place where a bunch of hippies live for free thanks to a loophole in the law called "Squatter's Rights". What happens is, the owner of a building falls on hard times and leaves the place in disrepair for a long period of time. At some point, the building is officially abandoned. Once this happens, people can move into the abandoned building and live there for free. They stick a note on the door with the words "Squatter's Rights", which means that the owner of the building can't kick them out until it goes through due process, which takes upwards of a month. During that time, the squatters maintain an open door policy. This means that anybody is allowed to come and live there, provided that they contribute to the restoration or general well being of the place. Most squats throw underground parties, raves, and shows to help raise money to fix it up a bit and make it more livable. The squat in which this rave took place was in pretty decent condition. It had running water and electricity, separate rooms for parties and living space, and a population of about 20 squatters. When we showed up, the party was just getting started...

Raves are an interesting experience. A series of DJs play loud ambient electronica music while people consume copious amounts of drugs and dance for upwards of twelve hours. You can usually figure out which drug somebody has taken by the way they are dancing. People on MDMA or Ecstasy Pills will be doing the "rave dance", which is moving your arms really fast with glow sticks and generally looking really acrobatic and cool. People on Ketamine stay much more still, but sway back and forth to the music while staring at the lights. My favorite, the people on LSD, generally stand next to the speakers and hold their arms out like zombies, shuffling their feet in place. People also take various combinations of these drugs and their dancing style reflects it. All in all, really fun to watch when sober, but even more fun to dance along. Anyone who knows me will tell you how much I suck at dancing, but everybody is so off their face that it doesn't matter. Raves are all about acceptance...

Outside of the main dancing room is the chill out room. This place consists of tables, chairs, and couches where people go to stop dancing and focus on the trippy affects that the drugs are giving them. Lots of cool stuff was painted on the walls and there was some interesting lighting effects that probably contributed to the experience. I spent a lot of my time here talking to randomers and learning people's life stories...

At one point, I met a Couchsurfer. His name was Mark and he was a frequent raver. We talked for a bit and he learned of our lack of a place to stay and offered up his couch. I talked it over with Flower and Simon and they were happy to hear it, so, after the rave started winding down at 8 AM, we left with Mark and rode a train (for free) to Schiedam and stayed at his house until 2 PM. At that point, he had to leave for work, so he brought us to the train station giving us knowledge of how to ride trains for free, then departed. Both he and his roommate were cool people who gave us a place to stay and very valuable information. If they are ever in the UK or the US, I'd be glad to let them stay wherever I'm staying...

Next entry is the one where we travel for free. Promise..:-)

More to come..:-)

-Matt

Crazy European Adventure Part 3: Museums and Touristy Bits...

2008-04-20T09:54:00.006-04:00

It was our last day in Amsterdam, and I was absolutely determined to go to the Van Gogh Museum, because, if I didn't, HBoO would have murdered me for missing an opportunity to see Starry Night, her mostest favoritest painting in the world...

So we did go to the Van Gogh Museum, but it cost 10 Euros to get in, a cost which neither Flower nor Simon could afford. So I went in by myself and searched every square inch of the four story building for Starry Night. Ironically, it's in New York City right now and will continue to be until July 2009. Good. It's okay, though, I really like Van Gogh. Impressionism is my favorite art movement, mostly because of my easy access to Monet's Bridge Over a Pool of Water Lillies at the Philadelphia Museum of Art...

Even though I didn't get to see Starry Night, I still saw a ton of really cool stuff. For instance...
These three were taken just moments before I was tackled by a large security guard and then escorted off the premises. Well, not really, but I was surrounded by them and told to put my camera away or else bad things would happen. I could have argued and said that my camera does not emit a flash and therefore does no damage to the paintings when I take a photo, but that would probably have given me a broken leg or two, so I opted for the "putting my camera back in my pocket and begrudgingly stamping my feet and walking off" path of action. Minutes later, I left the museum and rejoined Flower and Simon. It was time to leave Amsterdam and go to Dordrecht...

It being the first time we took a train in mainland Europe, we bought tickets before boarding thinking that the train costs money. I know, it seems silly, but we actually thought that we had to pay for trains at the time. That night, we would learn otherwise, and traveling in Europe would go from being very expensive to free. How we did this will be revealed in the next entry..:-)

More to come..:-)

-Matt

Crazy European Adventure Part 2: Amsterdam, the World's Biggest Tourist Trap...

2008-04-19T07:10:00.015-04:00

Once the bus debacle was over, we had a choice to make. We could go straight to our cabin and rest up for the next day, or go to the city center and gallivant for hours. I think the choice we made was obvious. Amsterdam is exactly what I expected. We took the Metro from the bus station to the city center and, upon walking up to the street, I was met with a stunning view of the streets of Amsterdam. Narrow cobbled streets, three story brick buildings crammed together, canals splitting the streets every couple of blocks, countless bicycles, and an eerie silence that only a European city can have at 8 PM on a Tuesday. This was really it. I was backpacking in mainland Europe for real...
The first order of business in the city center was to sit in a coffee shop so that Flower and Simon could legally smoke weed. Our entire time spent in Holland felt just slightly odd, what with Flower walking around with a huge joint in his mouth, walking past little kids, old ladies, and police officers alike. Once we started hitting the coffee shops, Flower and I noticed two things-

1. Amsterdam is the most effective tourist trap for stoners in the world. It's perfect in its ability to make you spend all of your money and be 100% content with that. Every street in Amsterdam looks something like this...
You have the largest concentration of coffee shops in the entire country. There are at least two on every street. So, stoners go into the coffee shops, buy weed that is more expensive than in other cities in Holland, then smoke until they can't see straight. They stumble out of the coffee shop only to be met with a bakery with smells of chocolate waffles and pancakes wafting into the street. Of course they are going in to appease their munchies with a 6 Euro dessert. Scarfing all of that food has left them in a food coma, but, low and behold, across the street is an erotic massage parlor, so they can lay on a table and be massaged until they are broke. After the first day, Flower and I realized that we needed to be careful with our spending, but that brings me to number two...

2. Simon. It was a mistake to bring Simon to Europe with us. I won't get in to all of the things that made him a huge burden quite yet, but the first things that pissed us off happened on the first night. Simon is 17, and the legal smoking age in Holland is 18. Most coffee shops are pretty lax about the law if you walk in and buy something before sitting down. The most logical thing to do was have me or Flower walk up to the bar to order something while Simon sat at a table to avoid his ID being checked. Instead, most of the time, he'd walk right up to the bar despite our telling him not to. He'd inevitably be asked for his passport, at which point he would just walk straight out of the coffee shop, leaving Flower and I to chase after him.

On the first night, as we were prowling around the city center, we decided to find a supermarket to buy some food for the cabin. Walking around with a map and rucksacks makes it pretty obvious that we were tourists. Therefore, it's always a good idea for local drug dealers to scam people like us. A guy approached us while we were walking around, he OBVIOUSLY was a dubious character, what with his washed out complexion, saggy eye sockets and burning desire to help us find a supermarket. Flower and I immediately started walking away while Simon started talking to him and walking in the opposite direction. Good. Now we are following a smack head (most likely wielding a knife or something) down the street, probably into some back alley to be stabbed and robbed. Eventually, the guy and Simon drop back to do some sort of dealing and then he runs off.

"What'd you get Simon?"

"I gave him 30 Euros, he said he had some really good pills."

"Um..we don't need pills, but let's see them..."

Oh look, Simon just spent 30 of his 115 Euros on a used piece of tissue. Good. Nice going Simon...

After this, we decided to head back to the cabin and rest up for the next day. Our cabin was pretty cool. Located just outside the city, it was on a campsite that had an explorable forest attached. For only 8 Euros each a night, who could complain..?

After a cold and uncomfortable night's sleep (we had no blankets or sleeping bags, and the heat was pretty shoddy), we headed back into town to explore some more. We spent most of the day in coffee shops and at a really cool outdoor market...
Of course, now that we had a full day ahead of us and nowhere to be, it was a perfect opportunity for Flower and Simon to eat some magic mushrooms which are also legal in Holland. We walked into the shop and bought them, then they decided to eat them at our train stop in full view of the public, which was pretty hilarious. We walked back to the cabin, which took twenty minutes. A bit later, they started to come up. While they were tripping, we met the people staying at the cabin across from us, a group of Australians who had run out of money and needed to get a job in Amsterdam to raise funds to return home. They were a bunch of really cool people who had been traveling for months. Suddenly, Flower and Simon thought it'd be an awesome idea to explore the forest, which we then did. We spent about an hour out there before returning to the cabin for warmth. By this time, the Australians had made a fire, so we all sat outside with them as Flower and Simon came down. Overall, they said it was an awesome experience, one that I know all too well...

After the trip, there was some more talking and then everybody went off to bed. We were halfway through the Amsterdam portion of our journey, and already we had tons of stories to tell when we returned...

More to come..:-)

-Matt