Author's Note: When three corporations merge and, with their teams of market research analysts and billions of dollars, can't come up with a better idea for their name than to just tack together the three original names (Even I could come up with /'s, Horizon/Blue Cross/Blue Shield, see how that flows?), consider that corporation evil. I'm looking at YOU Time Warner!
Anyway, here's what I learned about my health insurance policy (which will set me back $128.45/month):
Insane Fact #1- I'm not covered outside the state of New Jersey.
Let's say I'm rock climbing in Utah when a large boulder crushes my arm and I have to saw it off to survive. Instead of walking to the nearest hospital, I'd, theoretically, have to hike ALL THE WAY TO NEW JERSEY for them to reattach it and/or give me a badass gun arm.
Insane Fact #2- They can raise my premiums at any time for any reason.
And I quote:
"We have the right to prospectively change Premium rates as of any of these dates:
a) any Premium Due Date;
b) any date that the extent or nature of the risk under the Policy is changed"
Um..wait a minute. Wouldn't me getting sick or hurt change the "nature of the risk of the Policy"?
Let me get this straight. I pay $128.45 every month for 11 months, then I get Lupus. If I go to the hospital for my Lupus, they can, theoretically, raise my rates to a point where I can't afford them, then just drop me from the Policy mid-treatment?
Insane Fact #3- I can only be admitted to the hospital for 90 days per calendar year.
FADE IN. A Hospital Waiting Room. A grief stricken mother, looking sullen and tear-stained, sits next to a vending machine with "Coca-Cola" displayed prominently (where else do we get funding for this movie?). A man in a white coat holding a clip board walks up to her.
DOCTOR: Ma'am, I have some good news.
The mother looks up, a ray of hope lighting her eyes.
DOCTOR: I know that your son has been in a coma for the last 89 days, but a recent medical breakthrough will allow us to save him. We need to keep him for another three days to prepare for the tests and operation, but that shouldn't be a probl- Oh wait. Nevermind. Ma'am, why don't you go take one last look at your son, we are going to have to pull the plug.
MOTHER: DAMN YOU HORIZON BLUE CROSS BLUE SHIELD!!! DAMN YOU TO HELL!!!!!!
Camera spirals outward as MOTHER drops to her knees and looks up at the sky shaking her fists. FADE OUT.