Some statistics

How often do you read books?

I read (roughly) one book, cover to cover, per month. That means twelve books per year. That means, by the time I'm dead, I'll have read 900 books.

I say this because, right now, I'm reading Dune by Frank Herbert, and it's so damn captivating that it pains me to stop for a blog entry break.

So I'm going to get back to my novel. I suggest you do the same, because, when you finish whatever book you are reading, there'll be 899 more to go.

Breakfast with the Brinn's

We went to Bob Evans, a breakfast chain similar (but inferior) to IHOP, as a final send off to my little sister, who returns to Maryland to complete her Marines training this afternoon. Once again, a full family outing in which food is involved turned into an epic disaster (You can read about a similar experience here).

My dad was out in full force today. Before ordering, he had a back and forth with my mom about whether he should order a pancake or a western omelet in front of our waitress (Confusion point #1). He finally decided on a western omelet, then asked how many eggs are used to make it (The title of the omelet section on the menu is 3-Egg Omelets). She said three. He asked if they could make it with two (Confusion point #2). Then he asked if it comes with home fries (Once again, it's right there on the description in the menu). She says yes. He asks if they can put onions in the home fries (Confusion point #3).

At this point, it becomes painfully obvious that the $2.25/hour plus meager tips is not worth the effort, so when both of my sisters order a complex combination of side dishes and custom plate items, I can tell she was probably drawing a stick figure hanging itself instead of taking down our order.

Then we play the waiting game...

As the seconds turn into minutes (waiting fifteen minutes for a complicated order in a crowded restaurant on a Sunday morning! Say it isn't so!), my dad starts to grow impatient. And when my dad is impatient, he starts talking out loud, which is never a good thing.

When the food finally comes, it's predictably insufficient. The waitress forgot my sister's toast, the phantom pancake that was never ordered didn't show up ("But where's my pancake!?"), there aren't any onions in the prepackaged home fries (surprise, surprise!), and, lo and behold, the omelet has three eggs in it.

Oh yeah, and my other sister decided to order an extra side of sausage when the food arrived.

So then, when the waitress has had just enough time to walk from our table to the kitchen, my dad decides that my sister has waited long enough for her precious breakfast meats, and calls the bus boy over to repeat the order.

Then it comes, but it "tastes funny." Yes, Katie, grime from unwashed kitchen floors, saliva, and semen do taste "funny" when you combine them with greasy, partially-frozen sausage.

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..The saddest part is, in the competition for "Most embarrassing thing a family member did this weekend," this entire episode is a distant second.

Dr. Dumbass: or How I learned to stop remembering and love The Offspring

"Ahhhh it's time to relax, and you know what that means..glass of wine, your favorite easy chair, and, of course, this compact disc playing on your home stereo. So go on and indulge yourself, that's right, kick off your shoes, put your feet up, lean back and just enjoy the melodies. After all, music soothes even the savage beast."

This opening track to Smash by The Offspring is forever burned into my neurons. At any point in time, I can call up that guy's voice in my head. What my brain absolutely refuses to do, however, is remember to grab my dirty Tupperware from the refrigerator at work.

Last week, I forgot to bring the leftovers of my lunch home three times in a row. On Thursday, I packed three days worth of leftover lunch into a plastic bag and put it in my car. But, when I got home, I realized that I left a DVD at the office (one of my colleagues let me borrow his copy of Motorcycle Diaries). On Monday, I'll have to pretend that I took this guy's DVD home and watched it ("Oh..oh yeah, the movie. It was great! I especially liked the part..where..um..the guy..um..was on the motorcycle? And that part where he wrote in his diary, MIND BLOWING!").

Why does my brain suck!?

The Knowledge of Experience

On my first day of training at the U.S. Census Bureau, our group of nine was taking a short true/false quiz on the importance of following procedure. Question #7 read, "When a test is completed, you must stand by the door to hand out the "What Happens Next" brochure to each test-taker."

Flipping back to that section of the chapter, I read, "We suggest you stand by the door to hand out the "What Happens Next" brochure to each test-taker," and circled "False" for Question #7.

The answer to Question #7 was "True," so I contested it using the following argument:

"If somebody suggests something, it means I have a choice in the matter. If I must do it, then there is no question. Therefore, the answer is "False.""

Several heads were nodding in agreement until Walter, a 65 year-old father of two and grandfather of five, stood up and said, "I've been married for 42 years. If my wife suggests that I do something, there's no question, I must do it."

I stood corrected.

Note to self (2010)

Dear Me:

If you are reading this, it's 2029, the machines have taken over. It's up to you to send Kyle Reese back

If you are reading this, I am already dead

No, seriously. I'm about to tell you all about yourself as of December 31st, 2009.

First, the basics. You are 22 years old, you graduated from The College of New Jersey on May 15th, 2009 with a Bachelor of Arts degree in History, and you've been happily dating Melissa for over 2 1/2 years. The good news, you have a great job working as a clerk for the U.S. Census Bureau. The bad news, you still live at home with your parents.

Why, you ask?

You currently have $44.05 in your bank account. Your monetary ventures since graduating from college, to put it lightly, have been a little less than lucrative. Still, you've managed to succeed modestly, gaining valuable political campaign experience as a Field Director for the Atlantic County Democratic Committee and as Communications Director for the Hammonton Democrats. And, even though every single candidate you worked for lost, you managed to gain respect from everybody involved. I think the energy from that experience carried over to your current job, where the people you work with are really fun to be around and you get great benefits like "working 40 hours a week" and "daily lunch breaks" and "getting paid."

In other news, Melissa's job at the library has allowed you to catch up on your reading (Her decision to pursue a career in Library Science, in addition to being awesome, stands to benefit you greatly). In just the last couple of months, you've read 5 1/2 novels, including the first of Isaac Asimov's Foundation series, Do Android's Dream of Electric Sheep?, and Dune. And though you haven't been able to keep up with video game culture as much as when you were 13, you picked up the latest Western RPG for Christmas, Dragon Age, and it's pretty freakin' awesome...

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..Wait, stop. Will my potentially 53 year-old self think that Dragon Age was important enough to include on an annual life update? (I certainly hope so, but probably not.)

Moving right along, the national political stage has been in shambles for the past year or so, particularly since Barack Obama took office on January 20th, 2009 (you were there by the way, the inaugural address was awesome!). From the cries of "Socialism!" and "Death Panels!" on the right to the Filibuster-proof Democratic Senate dropping the ball on the public option and voting for a piecemeal version of Healthcare Reform on Christmas Eve, American politics has been a roller coaster ride of laughable proportions. I'm sure you'll be a much better judge of this year's historical importance (Behold! The power of hindsight), but I'd say we've accomplished a lot.

So, that's you in a nutshell. Also, the events of 2009. Also, video games for some reason. I hope this has been informative (entertaining?). Regardless, I'll be back next year for another update.

Regards,

You

New Political Developments

I got a job!

For strategic reasons, I cannot reveal the details of my duties or who I'm working for, but I can say that I'm making enough money to start saving for a move, and it involves working in the political arena (Yay me!)

I woke up at 6:30 AM completely unaware of what would unfold today, my first day on the job. I showered, dressed, ate three eggs, and drove to my new workplace where I met my new boss. He sat me down with a hot cup of coffee and we began discussing strategies to implement over the next two months. As the pile of scribbled notes, business cards, contacts, and research began piling in front of me, I slowly came to terms with the nature of my new position--Boss man! Nananananuhnuhnuhnuh nanananananuhnuh nuh BOSS MAN!!! (BANG! POW!)

For this organization I have three colleagues (four if you count my boss), and I have the most experience in our collective field of work. Technically, I'm entry-level, so yeah. When I realized this, I did my best to take charge; developing schedules, setting policies, giving input on mission strategies etc.

Coming into today, I assumed I'd be chief wordsmith. I left the office today directly in charge of the whole operation, including five staffers. Will I succeed?

Stay tuned to find out.

Rob Andrews Town Hall in Glassboro, NJ

I was there.

Standing in line for two hours, listening to a barrage of unsourced generalized questions, rude yelling, and the spread of proven falsehoods. A few legitimate concerns got through, some really informed people showed up. Overall, however, this wasn't the tastiest slice of Americana.

After having my ears pierced by blood curdling screams of "NO ABORTIONS FOR MY BABY!!!" and "AMERICA IS THE GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD!!! DURRHHH!!!!", it was my turn at the mic.

"Good evening, Congressman Andrews. My name is Matt Brinn, I'm 22 years old, and I'm from Folsom, NJ. You said earlier that this Healthcare bill would cost $1 trillion over the next ten years. How many people here showed up because they think that the cost is way too high?"

The flag-waving crowd goes wild. Obama supporters sit silently.

Wait for it...

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..Wait for it

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"Where the HELL were all of you when George W. Bush was wasting $3 trillion on the war in Iraq? How about when he gave $700 billion to the CEOs of the banks with no oversight?"

Stunned silence from the flag wavers, roars of approval from the Obama crowd.

"Sixty four percent of all bankruptcies are caused by medical bills. Congressman Andrews, I commend you for standing up in front of us today. I'm a recent college graduate, and I'm uninsured. I'm currently looking for a job, hence the suit, and more people agree with you than are represented here. Thank you."

As I exited the building, I counted four high fives.

UPDATE: I made the Courier Post. Page 2 of the article says:

"And Matt Brinn, 22, of Folsom, turned the opponents' enthusiasm against them when he asked audience members to clap if they objected to the cost of reform.

'Where the hell were all of you when George W. Bush spent $3 trillion on Iraq,' snapped Brinn, drawing a fresh round of cheers from reform supporters."