State of the Union

For those that missed it...

President Obama called the Democrats a bunch of pussies for bitching about a nine seat majority in the Senate, he gave the Republicans a choice between coming up with some worthwhile ideas and shutting the fuck up, and he chastised the Supreme Court for RUINING OUR DEMOCRACY.

The rest was a combination of brilliant rhetoric, boring policy, and, to quote somebody very dear to me, "superfluous applause."

"Asautomatic Spending"

I'm a person that stops reading when I see an unfamiliar word. First, I look at the context clues to see if I can figure it out. If that doesn't work, I google it and find the meaning. Most of the time, I learn a new word. Sometimes, however, I'm not so lucky.

Take this article for instance. After working a full day on very little sleep, most of my cognitive processes have slowed down significantly. So much so that when I read the sentence,

"That spending spurt reflected both the first outlays from the president's $787 billion stimulus package as well asautomatic spending for unemployment compensation and food stamps that is triggered during the downturns,"

I immediately googled "asautomatic spending" to see what it meant instead of just laughing at "spending spurt" like a normal person.

It turns out that "asautomatic spending" is a technical term used on Wall Street that refers to bank dividends being subdivided by subprime mortgage lending loans...

..or it means I need to go to bed early tonight.

What do you think "Asautomatic Spending" means?

How to: Deal with your Boss (Part 1)

Maybe you just got a phone call from your cat-sitter.

"Mr. Nibbles is sick, come home immediately!"

Maybe, like me, you needed to drive an hour and a half from your workplace to Philadelphia to catch a hockey game with your girlfriend, and that required leaving a half hour early.

Or, maybe, it's been a long week and you want to hit the crack pipe a couple hours early.

Whatever the reason, here's how you DON'T do it:

"Um, excuse me Mr. Boss, sir. Would it be okay if, maybe, I can get off a little early today? Mr. Nibbl-I mean, MY GRANDMOTHER, is really really sick."

His Anwer: "ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY, JOHNSON! We are behind quota, extra busy today, and I don't like you because your pants smell like Meow Mix! Better yet, YOU'RE FIRED!!!

Here's how you DO do it:

"Hey, boss, I'm leaving at 4:30 today."

His answer: "Okay, and?"

"Just thought I'd let you know."

"Keep up the good work. By the way, are you aware that your pants emanate the refreshing smell of my favorite cat food, Meow Mix? *sings*I like chicken, I like liver, Meow Mix Meow Mix, please DE-LIV-ER! Here's a cash bonus, drinks are on me tonight, Johnson!"

A Personal Case for Health Reform

I purchased my first health insurance policy several weeks ago, and, today, the big (screw you!) packet came in the mail from Horizon Blue Cross Blue Shield.

Author's Note: When three corporations merge and, with their teams of market research analysts and billions of dollars, can't come up with a better idea for their name than to just tack together the three original names (Even I could come up with /'s, Horizon/Blue Cross/Blue Shield, see how that flows?), consider that corporation evil. I'm looking at YOU Time Warner!

Anyway, here's what I learned about my health insurance policy (which will set me back $128.45/month):

Insane Fact #1- I'm not covered outside the state of New Jersey.

Let's say I'm rock climbing in Utah when a large boulder crushes my arm and I have to saw it off to survive. Instead of walking to the nearest hospital, I'd, theoretically, have to hike ALL THE WAY TO NEW JERSEY for them to reattach it and/or give me a badass gun arm.

Insane Fact #2- They can raise my premiums at any time for any reason.

And I quote:

"We have the right to prospectively change Premium rates as of any of these dates:

a) any Premium Due Date;

b) any date that the extent or nature of the risk under the Policy is changed"

Um..wait a minute. Wouldn't me getting sick or hurt change the "nature of the risk of the Policy"?

Let me get this straight. I pay $128.45 every month for 11 months, then I get Lupus. If I go to the hospital for my Lupus, they can, theoretically, raise my rates to a point where I can't afford them, then just drop me from the Policy mid-treatment?

Nice...

Insane Fact #3- I can only be admitted to the hospital for 90 days per calendar year.

FADE IN. A Hospital Waiting Room. A grief stricken mother, looking sullen and tear-stained, sits next to a vending machine with "Coca-Cola" displayed prominently (where else do we get funding for this movie?). A man in a white coat holding a clip board walks up to her.

DOCTOR: Ma'am, I have some good news.

The mother looks up, a ray of hope lighting her eyes.

DOCTOR: I know that your son has been in a coma for the last 89 days, but a recent medical breakthrough will allow us to save him. We need to keep him for another three days to prepare for the tests and operation, but that shouldn't be a probl- Oh wait. Nevermind. Ma'am, why don't you go take one last look at your son, we are going to have to pull the plug.

MOTHER: DAMN YOU HORIZON BLUE CROSS BLUE SHIELD!!! DAMN YOU TO HELL!!!!!!

Camera spirals outward as MOTHER drops to her knees and looks up at the sky shaking her fists. FADE OUT.

The Powers of Persuasion

Tonight, I ate dinner with my parents, my little sister, Katie, and her boyfriend, Eric. We had pork chops, rice, peas, and corn. About halfway through, Katie noticed that Eric only had rice on his plate.

"What are you doing," she asked, her eyes flicking subtly upward.

"Eating," he replied.

Eric is a man of many words.

"Why aren't you eating rice or peas," she asked.

"I will," he said, "I just like eating one thing at a time."

"That's stupid," she said, turning to me an expectant look in her eye. She wanted me to side with her.

"Katie," I said, "If you want somebody to do something, you need to be more convincing. Telling somebody that they are stupid will never convert them to your cause."

She gave me an angry look.

Turning away, I said, "Eric, you might think that you only like to eat one thing at a time, but I guarantee that every chef on the Food Network would disagree with you, as one of life's real treasures is discovering new culinary combinations of flavor, texture, and color. Do yourself a favor and watch the movie Ratatouille, especially the scene where Patton Oswalt describes the beauty of mixing flavor combinations by comparing them with fireworks."

A minute later, Eric was mixing peas and corn into his rice.

Some statistics

How often do you read books?

I read (roughly) one book, cover to cover, per month. That means twelve books per year. That means, by the time I'm dead, I'll have read 900 books.

I say this because, right now, I'm reading Dune by Frank Herbert, and it's so damn captivating that it pains me to stop for a blog entry break.

So I'm going to get back to my novel. I suggest you do the same, because, when you finish whatever book you are reading, there'll be 899 more to go.

Breakfast with the Brinn's

We went to Bob Evans, a breakfast chain similar (but inferior) to IHOP, as a final send off to my little sister, who returns to Maryland to complete her Marines training this afternoon. Once again, a full family outing in which food is involved turned into an epic disaster (You can read about a similar experience here).

My dad was out in full force today. Before ordering, he had a back and forth with my mom about whether he should order a pancake or a western omelet in front of our waitress (Confusion point #1). He finally decided on a western omelet, then asked how many eggs are used to make it (The title of the omelet section on the menu is 3-Egg Omelets). She said three. He asked if they could make it with two (Confusion point #2). Then he asked if it comes with home fries (Once again, it's right there on the description in the menu). She says yes. He asks if they can put onions in the home fries (Confusion point #3).

At this point, it becomes painfully obvious that the $2.25/hour plus meager tips is not worth the effort, so when both of my sisters order a complex combination of side dishes and custom plate items, I can tell she was probably drawing a stick figure hanging itself instead of taking down our order.

Then we play the waiting game...

As the seconds turn into minutes (waiting fifteen minutes for a complicated order in a crowded restaurant on a Sunday morning! Say it isn't so!), my dad starts to grow impatient. And when my dad is impatient, he starts talking out loud, which is never a good thing.

When the food finally comes, it's predictably insufficient. The waitress forgot my sister's toast, the phantom pancake that was never ordered didn't show up ("But where's my pancake!?"), there aren't any onions in the prepackaged home fries (surprise, surprise!), and, lo and behold, the omelet has three eggs in it.

Oh yeah, and my other sister decided to order an extra side of sausage when the food arrived.

So then, when the waitress has had just enough time to walk from our table to the kitchen, my dad decides that my sister has waited long enough for her precious breakfast meats, and calls the bus boy over to repeat the order.

Then it comes, but it "tastes funny." Yes, Katie, grime from unwashed kitchen floors, saliva, and semen do taste "funny" when you combine them with greasy, partially-frozen sausage.

...

...

..The saddest part is, in the competition for "Most embarrassing thing a family member did this weekend," this entire episode is a distant second.

Dr. Dumbass: or How I learned to stop remembering and love The Offspring

"Ahhhh it's time to relax, and you know what that means..glass of wine, your favorite easy chair, and, of course, this compact disc playing on your home stereo. So go on and indulge yourself, that's right, kick off your shoes, put your feet up, lean back and just enjoy the melodies. After all, music soothes even the savage beast."

This opening track to Smash by The Offspring is forever burned into my neurons. At any point in time, I can call up that guy's voice in my head. What my brain absolutely refuses to do, however, is remember to grab my dirty Tupperware from the refrigerator at work.

Last week, I forgot to bring the leftovers of my lunch home three times in a row. On Thursday, I packed three days worth of leftover lunch into a plastic bag and put it in my car. But, when I got home, I realized that I left a DVD at the office (one of my colleagues let me borrow his copy of Motorcycle Diaries). On Monday, I'll have to pretend that I took this guy's DVD home and watched it ("Oh..oh yeah, the movie. It was great! I especially liked the part..where..um..the guy..um..was on the motorcycle? And that part where he wrote in his diary, MIND BLOWING!").

Why does my brain suck!?

The Knowledge of Experience

On my first day of training at the U.S. Census Bureau, our group of nine was taking a short true/false quiz on the importance of following procedure. Question #7 read, "When a test is completed, you must stand by the door to hand out the "What Happens Next" brochure to each test-taker."

Flipping back to that section of the chapter, I read, "We suggest you stand by the door to hand out the "What Happens Next" brochure to each test-taker," and circled "False" for Question #7.

The answer to Question #7 was "True," so I contested it using the following argument:

"If somebody suggests something, it means I have a choice in the matter. If I must do it, then there is no question. Therefore, the answer is "False.""

Several heads were nodding in agreement until Walter, a 65 year-old father of two and grandfather of five, stood up and said, "I've been married for 42 years. If my wife suggests that I do something, there's no question, I must do it."

I stood corrected.

Note to self (2010)

Dear Me:

If you are reading this, it's 2029, the machines have taken over. It's up to you to send Kyle Reese back

If you are reading this, I am already dead

No, seriously. I'm about to tell you all about yourself as of December 31st, 2009.

First, the basics. You are 22 years old, you graduated from The College of New Jersey on May 15th, 2009 with a Bachelor of Arts degree in History, and you've been happily dating Melissa for over 2 1/2 years. The good news, you have a great job working as a clerk for the U.S. Census Bureau. The bad news, you still live at home with your parents.

Why, you ask?

You currently have $44.05 in your bank account. Your monetary ventures since graduating from college, to put it lightly, have been a little less than lucrative. Still, you've managed to succeed modestly, gaining valuable political campaign experience as a Field Director for the Atlantic County Democratic Committee and as Communications Director for the Hammonton Democrats. And, even though every single candidate you worked for lost, you managed to gain respect from everybody involved. I think the energy from that experience carried over to your current job, where the people you work with are really fun to be around and you get great benefits like "working 40 hours a week" and "daily lunch breaks" and "getting paid."

In other news, Melissa's job at the library has allowed you to catch up on your reading (Her decision to pursue a career in Library Science, in addition to being awesome, stands to benefit you greatly). In just the last couple of months, you've read 5 1/2 novels, including the first of Isaac Asimov's Foundation series, Do Android's Dream of Electric Sheep?, and Dune. And though you haven't been able to keep up with video game culture as much as when you were 13, you picked up the latest Western RPG for Christmas, Dragon Age, and it's pretty freakin' awesome...

...

...

..Wait, stop. Will my potentially 53 year-old self think that Dragon Age was important enough to include on an annual life update? (I certainly hope so, but probably not.)

Moving right along, the national political stage has been in shambles for the past year or so, particularly since Barack Obama took office on January 20th, 2009 (you were there by the way, the inaugural address was awesome!). From the cries of "Socialism!" and "Death Panels!" on the right to the Filibuster-proof Democratic Senate dropping the ball on the public option and voting for a piecemeal version of Healthcare Reform on Christmas Eve, American politics has been a roller coaster ride of laughable proportions. I'm sure you'll be a much better judge of this year's historical importance (Behold! The power of hindsight), but I'd say we've accomplished a lot.

So, that's you in a nutshell. Also, the events of 2009. Also, video games for some reason. I hope this has been informative (entertaining?). Regardless, I'll be back next year for another update.

Regards,

You

New Political Developments

I got a job!

For strategic reasons, I cannot reveal the details of my duties or who I'm working for, but I can say that I'm making enough money to start saving for a move, and it involves working in the political arena (Yay me!)

I woke up at 6:30 AM completely unaware of what would unfold today, my first day on the job. I showered, dressed, ate three eggs, and drove to my new workplace where I met my new boss. He sat me down with a hot cup of coffee and we began discussing strategies to implement over the next two months. As the pile of scribbled notes, business cards, contacts, and research began piling in front of me, I slowly came to terms with the nature of my new position--Boss man! Nananananuhnuhnuhnuh nanananananuhnuh nuh BOSS MAN!!! (BANG! POW!)

For this organization I have three colleagues (four if you count my boss), and I have the most experience in our collective field of work. Technically, I'm entry-level, so yeah. When I realized this, I did my best to take charge; developing schedules, setting policies, giving input on mission strategies etc.

Coming into today, I assumed I'd be chief wordsmith. I left the office today directly in charge of the whole operation, including five staffers. Will I succeed?

Stay tuned to find out.

Rob Andrews Town Hall in Glassboro, NJ

I was there.

Standing in line for two hours, listening to a barrage of unsourced generalized questions, rude yelling, and the spread of proven falsehoods. A few legitimate concerns got through, some really informed people showed up. Overall, however, this wasn't the tastiest slice of Americana.

After having my ears pierced by blood curdling screams of "NO ABORTIONS FOR MY BABY!!!" and "AMERICA IS THE GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD!!! DURRHHH!!!!", it was my turn at the mic.

"Good evening, Congressman Andrews. My name is Matt Brinn, I'm 22 years old, and I'm from Folsom, NJ. You said earlier that this Healthcare bill would cost $1 trillion over the next ten years. How many people here showed up because they think that the cost is way too high?"

The flag-waving crowd goes wild. Obama supporters sit silently.

Wait for it...

...

...

...

..Wait for it

...

...

...

"Where the HELL were all of you when George W. Bush was wasting $3 trillion on the war in Iraq? How about when he gave $700 billion to the CEOs of the banks with no oversight?"

Stunned silence from the flag wavers, roars of approval from the Obama crowd.

"Sixty four percent of all bankruptcies are caused by medical bills. Congressman Andrews, I commend you for standing up in front of us today. I'm a recent college graduate, and I'm uninsured. I'm currently looking for a job, hence the suit, and more people agree with you than are represented here. Thank you."

As I exited the building, I counted four high fives.

UPDATE: I made the Courier Post. Page 2 of the article says:

"And Matt Brinn, 22, of Folsom, turned the opponents' enthusiasm against them when he asked audience members to clap if they objected to the cost of reform.

'Where the hell were all of you when George W. Bush spent $3 trillion on Iraq,' snapped Brinn, drawing a fresh round of cheers from reform supporters."

Unfinished thoughts...

Here I will collect a number of thoughts which I believed would make for excellent blogging, but didn't make it past the first sentence or two.

- First and foremost, I have a job interview on Monday, August 24th with Democracia USA, a nonprofit organization that registers Hispanic voters in the tens of thousands each year. Details in the days to come.

- Driving down an interstate highway is a nerve wracking experience for most drivers. What unsettles me the most is the bits of exploded tire strewn about the shoulder of the road. Violent murderous accidents, it seems, happen every few feet. Clean up crews find it important to remove crushed cars and dead bodies, why not the destroyed tires?

- How much of a road repair construction company's budget is allocated to the purchasing of orange rubber cones? All of it, I think, judging by the thousands of cones forming an impenetrable wall around each individual project.

- Why does a single black hair insist on peaking its head out of the small mole near my hip no matter how many times I tweeze it? You'd think it'd get the message.

That is all.

The Philadelphia Zoo

HBoO and I went to the Philadelphia Zoo today. We saw lions and lemurs, flamingos and monkeys, tortoises and pelicans, and a zillion other animals big and small. One thing I noticed, the Philadelphia Zoo needs to hire a new person to write the little blurbs about each animal. You know, those little signs posted next to each habitat that give you the name and basic information about each animal. Not to be a snob, but they were written poorly.

[snobbery]

I remember reading:

"A wonderful animal at the zoo is the pelican." Was this written by a kindergartener?

"Animals are awesome." Stamped onto several of the bird displays.

"Africa south of the Sahara."There's got to be a more succinct way to say this. Perhaps that prefix that reminds me of delicious sandwiches on torpedo rolls can be used in this situation?

I guess what I'm saying is, I really want/need a job, and "Zoo Signpost Technician" fits neatly within my qualifications. Why is the person who crafted the text on these signs employed as a writer and I'm not? *Pout*

[/snobbery]

In other news, swan-shaped paddle boats are really fun. Ask HBoO, we pulled off some pretty impressive maneuvers, including a series of hairpin turns and a complete spin at full speed. If the summer Olympics introduced a new sport at the 2012 games, and that sport was "Trick Paddle Boating," I'd definitely expect to take home the gold.

The end.

Opeth, the king of misheard lyrics

Since the dawn of musical recordings, lyrics have been misheard. Without those trusty liner notes, we'd all think that Jimi Hendrix was excusing himself to kiss some guy, Bruce Springsteen was lit up like a douche, and Elton John was embracing Tony Danza ever so gently.

However, the progressive death metal band Opeth takes the cake. When deadly badgers aren't making his weed and he isn't fixing his pants, Mikael Akerfeldt and his thick Swedish accent make their best effort to make growling vocals sound discerable. The result is almost always an uncanny valley of lyrical hilarity.

Here's the song Bleak from the Blackwater Park album. I'm going to write out the lyrics as I hear them.

Bleak

Beating,

Hearts still beating from the claws

Teeming,

Self defeating of the laws

Aching,

Ribs are aching from the blood

Fading,

You are fading from my sight

Rancor morning, coldness lingering in sun

Shrouding to nightmares of the sun

Moving

I am moving closer to your side

Luring

You are luring me into the night

Crying

Who is crying for you? I am.

Dying

I am dying fast inside your tears.

Rancid towards the reament faster yet

Clearing thoughts, my mind is set

Devious movements in your eyes

Lead me from the hills

Reconcile white clouds with your lies

And fills them with me

You're closer to final will

You're staring right past me in dismay

A liquid seeps from your chest

And drains me away

Mystery conshrouds your thin white man

and draws me without

Coping this mop this diamond veil

It's splendor is might

Help me cure you

Atone for all you've done

Help me lead you

A sonic taste of gum

Devious movements in your eyes

Lead mefrom the hills

Reconcile white clouds with your lies

And fills them with me

You're closer to final will

You're staring right past me in dismay

A liquid seeps from your chest

And drains me away

Mystery conshrouds your thin white man

and draws me without

Coping this mop this diamond veil

It's splendor is might

Let's all see David

tainting a phantom

Tried shrill

shivering claws

I hated with words and a feast to come

Crabs in my way sparked tradition

This is all you need

***

Here are the real lyrics.

What are your favorite misheard lyrics?

Kids with brain cancer should be allowed to be vampires if they want to

What's the first thing that comes to mind when you hear of a show titled "Buffy the Vampire Slayer"?

A lethal dose of camp? Check. Bad makeup? Check. Intriguing plotlines with multidimensional characters that provoke deep philosophical debate? Huh?

I spent the last two days in New York City with HBoO glued to the TV watching the second season of Buffy. For those that don't know, it's Joss Whedon's first series. Before DollHouse, before Serenity, before Firefly, there was Buffy the Vampire Slayer. A ridiculous premise, Sarah Michelle Gellar is a 90 lb. martial arts expert who kills superhuman vampires in a small California town, Buffy succeeds in transcending and/or subverting almost every norm of television for teens.

I'll give you an example...

In one episode, a childhood friend of Buffy's moves to Sunnydale (the small town where the show is set) and attempts to court her. In the process, we learn that he is affiliated with a group of dorky goth kids who want to become vampires. Foolishly, he makes a deal with the show's ultimate baddy to deliver Buffy (the Slayer) and the dorky goth kids to the real vampires in exchange for immortality through vampirehood.

For the first three quarters of the episode, this kid is portrayed as the usual weekly threat to Buffy and her friends. Towards the end, however, when Buffy is fighting the kid in an attempt to save everybody, his motives are revealed. He has brain cancer and rather be immortal as a vampire than suffer the torments of a malignant terminal illness. He ends up getting his wish, but, seconds later, Buffy puts a stake through his heart. The theme, quite plainly, is that there is no such thing as pure good and evil, just endless shades of gray.

That's some serious shit when you consider that the title character's fighting stance looks like this:

But, seriously, it's really good. If you haven't already, check it out.

"Hello again" and "The internet has officially destroyed my attention span"

Wow. It's been almost three months. Please excuse me while I list my excuses for not blogging...

I was:

1) Looking for jobs

2) Getting back in shape

3) Re-earning lost college credits...

...

...

63) Dead at the time...

...

...

546) Scaling Mt. Evere...

...

...

87767) I'm stupid

There. Now that that is over with. Let's pick a subject and begin where we left off (Not politics, that's like my job now).

---

I'm currently rereading the Lord of the Rings trilogy because I am the paramount manifestation of cool. Much like the guy who calmly walks through a ghost town wearing awesome sunglasses and long trench coat that flaps badassedly in the wind,

I sit alone in my room catching up on the lore of a fictional race of midgets with hairy feet.

Those two are pretty similar, right? ..Right?

So, I was reading The Fellowship of the Ring when I realized that I have absolutely no attention span when reading a book. My thought process goes something like this...

"Setting down his lilies carefully on the grass, he ran to the tree. There he saw Merry's feet still sticking out--the rest had already been drawn further inside. Tom put his mouth to the crack..." LOL "...and began singing into it in a low voice." I wish they included Tom Bombadil in the LOTR movies. But, no, I don't. It just wouldn't have worked. I was bored to tears the first time I read about him. Now, though, I'm a much better reader. Maybe I should reread a lot of the stuff I hated in high school. Nah, that stuff sucked. "...'I was too careless on the hill-top,' answered Strider..."Wait, Strider? When did Aragorn show up? Aww shit, I did it again. Now I have to go back and reread like..three chapters. Damnit, I don't feel like it.

And then I put the book down and don't pick it up for a month. Does this happen to anybody else, or am I functionally retarded?

President Obama channels Abraham Lincoln in a speech on national security...

President Obama made a speech last night criticizing the previous administration for undermining the United States Constitution while simultaneously proposing to suspend habeas corpus for "enemy combatants," a move that is in direct defiance to the Geneva Convention. After refusing to release photographs of detainees being tortured, and now holding POWs indefinitely without trial, Obama has succeeded in increasing the opacity of his self-proclaimed transparent administration.

While standing in a room alongside the United States Constitution, Obama said, "...there may be a number of people who cannot be prosecuted for past crimes, in some cases because evidence may be tainted, but who nonetheless pose a threat to the security of the United States." So, for the past eight years, we have held prisoners without trial with no clear evidence of crimes committed.

He continued, "...my administration has begun to reshape the standards that apply to ensure that they are in line with the rule of law. We must have clear, defensible, and lawful standards for those who fall into this category." In order to deal with these (innocent until proven guilty) detainees, Obama says he will change international POW laws so that prosecutions can be made. Until then, these people will be held indefinitely without trial.

During the presidential campaign, both Barack Obama and John McCain were looking to align themselves with principles mandated by (arguably) our greatest president, Abraham Lincoln. Unfortunately, by breaking international law, Obama is initiating a wartime policy that Lincoln would have supported. In September of 1862, Lincoln issued the following statement:

"Now, therefore, be it ordered, first, that during the existing insurrection and as a necessary measure for suppressing the same, all Rebels and Insurgents, their aiders and abettors within the United States, and all persons discouraging volunteer enlistments, resisting militia drafts, or guilty of any disloyal practice, affording aid and comfort to Rebels against the authority of United States, shall be subject to martial law and liable to trial and punishment by Courts Martial or Military Commission:

Second. That the Writ of Habeas Corpus is suspended in respect to all persons arrested, or who are now, or hereafter during the rebellion shall be, imprisoned in any fort, camp, arsenal, military prison, or other place of confinement by any military authority of by the sentence of any Court Martial or Military Commission."

Lincoln allowed all supporters of the Confederacy and conscientious objectors of the war to be imprisoned by the military indefinitely without trial for the duration of the Civil War. Now, without any evidence of crimes committed, Obama is circumnavigating international law and our own military courts in order to hold POWs in the War on Terror without trial.

It was wrong then, and it's wrong now.

-Matt

Wow, that was fast...

As I lined up for the history department's graduation ceremony, the professor who taught my least favorite class in my final semester bumped into me. She turned and I watched as her expression instantly transformed from annoyance to confusion. "Matt, you're graduating? I wish I would have known, your grade for my class would have been a little better." I had absolutely phoned in my efforts for Modern Latin America, a class that neither counted towards my major nor was it required for liberal learning. After accidentally misreading my program planner, and, thinking I needed a South America course to complete my major, I wasted my final college course on her boring class. But she didn't know any of that. "Thanks," I said, "I passed, so that's all that matters."

Yes, I've completed my college education. Like millions of others across the nation, I, too, was forced to wear a black cellophane cap and gown while enduring extreme temperatures. I was packed into a football stadium, where I had to listen to faculty, students, and guest speakers drone on about how lucky I was to graduate during the worst economic climate since the Great Depression.

In fact, a terrible economy has been the signature motif of my senior year. In my final semester, I wrote a 26 page thesis comparing our time to the Great Depression. I wrote articles on how the economy was negatively affecting my part time job, how it was forcing my little sister to choose military service over a college career, and how my fellow graduates were moving home or incurring further debts in post-graduate programs because of slim job prospects.

I'm moving home. I have no job and no money. It feels a lot like the plot of a Broadway show or those stories that immigrant great-grandparents tell. "I arrived in New York with the clothes on my back and $12 in my pocket," they say. What will I tell my great-grand kids? "I arrived home with a fancy piece of paper and a mountain of debt," I'll say. It doesn't really have the same ring to it.

I sat near the back during the ceremony, right in front of a professor who has been a member of the department since 1958. Having to sit through the pomp and circumstance fifty-one times makes the whole thing a lot less significant, I learned, because he was whispering loudly to a fellow faculty member throughout the duration of the ceremony. "They should teach them how to fold their diploma into a paper hat," he chuckled, "Then they can use it when they apply at a fast food place." I turned to him and smiled. "I hope mine comes with instructions on how to fold a paper airplane," I said. Then I walked up and smiled for the camera.

-Matt

GOP Fail...

Last week, in an attempt to appear relevant, House Republicans banded together to vote down Barack Obama’s $819 billion stimulus package. After four straight years of heavy losses, however, the move became nothing more than a symbol of the GOP’s imminent collapse. The bill they opposed passed 244-188. Plagued by dwindling numbers, outdated ideology, and a homogenous “rich whites only” image, the Republican Party is now being forced to make a choice. Change or die.

The success of the Republican Party since the Reagan Revolution was made possible by the coalition of fiscally conservative bankers and socially conservative southerners. This unlikely team put Ronald Reagan in the White House in 1980 and 1984, took over the House and Senate in 1994 to combat Bill Clinton, and narrowly won George W. Bush the presidency twice, in 2000 and 2004. Partially in response to the failures of the Bush presidency, and partially due to the lackluster campaigning of John McCain and Sarah Palin, the coalition collapsed in 2008, forcing fiscal conservatives to jump ship as Republican rhetoric swung into the realm of racism and fear. The result was a Democratic sweep, putting Barack Obama in the White House with a near filibuster proof Congress.

The scramble since November 5th has been as entertaining as it is pathetic. Lacking the ability to block liberal legislation, the Republican Party has transformed into a party of socially conservative whiners led by Rush Limbaugh, a controversial conservative pundit. In a short article published just before inauguration day, Limbaugh wrote, “…I’ve been listening to Barack Obama for a year-and-a-half. I know what his politics are…I hope he fails.”

After a week of dodging questions related to Limbaugh’s treasonous remarks and his newfound central role in Republican policy, President Obama issued a statement. He said to Republican leaders in Congress, “You can’t just listen to Rush Limbaugh and get things done.” This was said soon after John Boehner, House Minority Leader, cited the funding of bike paths, Planned Parenthood and a cleanup of Washington DC’s National Mall as the reasons why Republicans refused to support Obama’s massive stimulus package. And, despite Boehner calling Republicans “the party of better ideas, better solutions,” recently on Meet the Press, their only contribution to the political process as of late has been the enigmatic SarahPAC, Governor Sarah Palin’s pompous tribute to herself.

The collapse of the Republican Party, as wonderful as that sounds, is dangerous for democracy. Since the bitter Republican/Federalist rivalries of the 1790s, America has maintained a balanced government with two viable parties keeping each other in check. As the Republican Party implodes and the Democrats enjoy their unbridled chance to lead, a strong opposition party with fresh ideas must rise from the ashes of neo-conservatism and provide Americans with their most important right. Choice.

-Matt