I've played Spore...

Two years ago, I saw this video. Every day that has passed since, I've waited with crippling apprehension...

Yesterday, the wait was over. Somebody torrented Spore, and I was on that shit immediately. The game is now mine, and I've been playing it almost non-stop since last night. As a single celled organism, I've chowed down plant matter. As an awkward two-legged beast, I've danced to impress stronger creatures, sang to the point of embarrassment, and spat poisonous goo at my enemies. In the tribal stage, I've beaten the shit out of rival chieftains with axes. Unfortunately, twelve hours after I had so innocently began, I was forced away from my computer to pee. It was a desperate struggle to avert my eyes from the awesome.

I have yet to play the 'civilization' stage or the 'blow the fuck out of whole planets with giant lazers like Darth Vader' stage, but I can only assume that they are as good or better...

I'd like to take this time to apologize to my professors. If stopping to pee was that difficult, I can't imagine how I'll ever leave the house to attend class. I'm sorry, but I don't think it's going to happen. I'm sure you'll understand...

For those that don't know, playing a highly anticipated video game is much like scoring a vial of crack in a back alley after going a week without eating or sleeping. Your heart races causing increased blood flow, serotonin and dopamine is released, and you slip into a dream world for several hours as real life concerns fade into the past. When, for whatever reason, it's time to stop playing, your body feels drained, your stomach pangs with hunger, your eyes bloodshot from the intense focusing and the lack of sleep, but your mind wants more. Eventually, you feel nothing but pain. You play on. As your grades drop, your friends stop calling, and your family casually mentions something about a nice doctor who would love to talk about my deep seeded issues, it dawned on me that it just wasn't worth it. BUT I COULDN'T STOP!!! I played on, through carpel tunnel, through arthritis, through the horrible stench of weeks without bathing. My boss fired me, my car was repossessed, my landlord terminated my housing contract, but, sitting in a Starbucks, I played on. One day, my hard drive crashed. It was all over. I wept for days, then, I died...*

Every word of the above story is true. Learn from my mistakes, and avoid Spore at all costs, or you, too, will suffer a similar fate...

-Matt

*-Based on a true story. Certain events may have been exaggerated or fabricated.