Sunday, March 9, 2008

Remember kids, don't talk to strangers...

This is a darkly humoured post. You have been forewarned...

My body's clock is complete shit right now. Since I've arrived, my schedule and eating habits have shifted dramatically. For the past three weeks, I've practically been nocturnal; waking up as the sun set and staying up until it rose. I tried fixing this by pulling an all nighter and then going to bed at a normal hour. It worked for a day. Yesterday, I woke up at 11:45 AM but, for some reason, was unable to fall asleep last night. I stayed up until 4:30 AM watching Easy Rider. At 6, when the sun began to rise, I found myself really awake, so I got dressed and walked to Quayside to watch the sunrise. It is here where my tale gets a bit weird...

I'm walking along the Tyne while bits of light peer out from beyond the horizon, and the place is completely deserted, as always...
Completely deserted except for one guy standing by the river watching the sun rise about fifteen feet away from me. Naturally, the right thing to do is to start a conversation, so I did...

Me: Sunrises are really nice... *snap picture*
Guy: Yeah...

Me: I couldn't sleep, so I decided, what the hell, I'll go see the sunrise over the Tyne...

Guy: Yeah, they are. I'm gonna walk down the Quayside, wanna come..?

Me: Sure, I'm Matt...

*handshake*

Guy: Alan...

So we're walking along the Tyne as the sun comes up talking about random stuff. He figured out I was American and told me that he had been to America a few times while I told him about how I want to move here after Uni. The conversation goes on for about five minutes, him walking slightly ahead of me. Suddenly he stops, and puts his arm out in an attempt to GRAB MY CROTCH..!!!

Me: What the hell are you doing!?

*a second grab attempt, which I stop and push his arm away...*

Me: What the FUCK are you doing!!?

Alan (Creepy Craigslist Guy): Uh..sorry? I thought that's what you were in to...

Me: Um..no...

*speed walk in the opposite direction...*

I was nearly raped by a creepy old guy. I was NEARLY RAPED by a creepy old Geordie guy. WTF!!! Okay, calm down. Just pretend that didn't happen. Go back to Knoll Court, burn all your clothes, take a scalding hot shower, then curl up in a corner in the fetal position and cry for a few hours. It's gonna be okay. Somebody PLEASE tell me it's going to be okay..!!

Since when does watching sunrises make you a target for casual homosexual encounters? This is a crazy world we live in...

-Matt

3 comments:

meloogal said...

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

Jenn said...

Well I can honestly say that is not how I pictured the story ending :P

Erikka said...

hi. found you through free n' flawed. read this, sympathize! have you seen something about Mary? and how Ben Stiller's character stumbles into a rest stop bust and there's a lot of "bizniz" going on there? Well, maybe where you are, the waterfront is the spot instead of rest stops. Watch your crotch, and your back.

peace.