I'm not handy...

There is one thing that makes me more frustrated and upset than anything else, and that thing is Doritos. Aside from that, however, I can't fix things. Give me a step by step procedure on how to build something (IKEA, I'm looking at you), and I will flounder. I was not born with the ability to mend broken appliances, toys, or machines. Even things that aren't broken but need routine maintenance, I will inevitably fail in epic fashion...

The big thing that made me think of this today was a flat tire. As I drove from work to home, I felt a slight wobble and, upon inspection, found that a nail was embedded in one of my rear tires. Luckily, I was in my driveway when I discovered this. Now, however, I face the ultimate dilemma...

How the f--- do I fix this..!?

Usually, when things like this happen, I accept that the thing is broken and choose to live peaceably. Take, for instance, the receipt machine at work. The end of the paper roll is splattered with red ink so that a hard working employee (not unlike myself) will realize that the roll needs to be changed. This involves the simple process of placing a new roll in the machine and slipping the end through the feeding mechanism...

Yeah...

I can't feed the paper through. I just..can't. My brain shuts down and I don't know what to do, so I go stock some shelves until somebody else takes the register, realizes the paper needs changing, and does it. I fail. What the hell is wrong with me..!!??

So I have this flat tire. There was nobody around to fix it, so I took it upon myself to figure out the solution. I watched an instructional video on the internet, saw that it was quite simple, and went to work...

Step 1: Find a spare tire.

First obstacle, and it's much too high. The fact that I'm writing this blog entry instead of continuing my quest to fix my car is proof that I fail at life. I suck. I lose. Somebody kill me...

At this point, I'd rather move to the mountains of Bhutan, grow a big fuck-off beard, and do rain dances with native children than fix my flat tire. Now then. Where can I find me some plane tickets to Bhutan... ... ...

-Matt

My fellow species...

There are some things in life that are worth being punched in the face for. Snapping this photo was one of them. Call me an asshole, a cynic, a pessimist. I don't care. Human beings are ridiculous and deserve to be made fun of with little to no remorse. Myself included. Aside from the casino, the boardwalk, and probably NASCAR, there are few places on earth that attract the insane moreso than the pool store...

I present to you, reader(s) of my blog, with the specimen above. Wearing dark shades to hide his aging eyes, he lets his shaggy mane go unwashed for days. His red polo with checkered sleeves and collar show that he knows how to combine business and casual ware with relative ease. Nothing, however, says, "I'm awkward confident!" more than that shorts/socks combination. I don't care what anybody says, it takes massive balls of steel to leave the house looking like that...

I just hope those skin tight cutoffs don't chaff..:-|

-Matt

A new format...

I made some changes, what do you guys think..?

If only I was better at HTML, it wouldn't have taken six billion guess and checks to see which template worked with which picture dimensions for my header. Finally, I said screw it and came up with what you see now. Yes? No? This blog design makes me want to scoop out my own heart with a rusty spoon?

Feedback is appreciated. Thanks in advance..:-)

-Matt

Spoiled rotten...

"Ew!"

"What?"

"What the hell is this?"

"Cereal?"

"Where's my Rice Crispies? What IS this?"

"Crispy Rice..?"

"Ew! That's GROSS!!! I'm not gonna eat this? Why would mom do this? Now it's gonna go to waste..!"

I went food shopping with my mom last night. In an attempt to save some money, I suggested she buy the generic versions of the cereals that populated the grocery list. We saved $20, mostly because the cereal's titles were rearranged. So, Rice Crispies became Crispy Rice, Crispix became Crisp Corn and Rice, Fruity Pebbles became Crispy Colors, and, my favorite...

Frosted Flakes became Frosted Flakes of corn...

Of course, my spoiled little sister freaked out tonight when she saw that her beloved card board wafer bits had changed boxes, but I guess you can't please everybody. She'll get used to it...

..One day...

-Matt

Accurate descriptions lead to unexpected outcomes...

In HBoO's latest entry, she talks at length about her awesome friends Ilana, Lindsey, and Karen. When their powers combine, they become CAPTAIN PLANET! MILK, because their first names spell the word milk. Most bloggers label their entries with some key words to help people using search engines to find their blog. HBoO labeled her post "MILK", which got me thinking about potentially misinformed internet surfers stumbling upon her blog...

"I like this entry, but your label is deceptive..."

"How so?"

"Well, the entry itself is about the evolution of friendships over time, but you labeled it as a post about a delicious beverage..."

"..so?"

"I'm just saying that this label is going to attract a horde of milk enthusiasts who will be very disappointed that your entry doesn't focus on their liquid of choice. I'd be wary if I were you..."

"... ..."

She thought my concerns were unfounded, but then (after a bit of searching), I discovered THIS!!!

Not only are there enough milk enthusiasts out there to require the renting of a Hilton convention hall, but, apparently, these particular milk fans are also Civil War buffs..!

Watch out HBoO! The International Association of Milk Control Agencies is after you, and they're dressed in confederate gray!!! AAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

-Matt

Why it's cool to work in a pool store...

*Old man walks through the double doors and makes his way to the chemical shelves...*

"Hi, sir. Can I help you with anything?"

"Yeah. I've been having some trouble getting my chlorine level up this year. Is there anything that can help me keep it up? I've been shocking it every night, but I've got nothing."

*snicker*

"Sounds like you need some stabilizer. How big is your pool?"

"It's not too big, I'm trying to remember if I've had this problem before. I've been doing this for years, but it's only just now that I've had a problem. Wait. Come to think of it, I have had this problem a few times before..."

*chuckle*

"Hmm..I think you should bring in a sample so that we can test it. That'll help us figure out the problem."

"Okay, thanks a lot..."

"Not a problem..."

I love this job..:-)

-Matt

A new look...

HBoO and her sister were browsing through bathing suit cover-ups at Target for what seemed like hours, what's a guy to do..?
If you said, "Emasculate yourself!," you'd be correct...

Also, I found this...
For those that enjoy water but wish it was more flavorful, love cucumbers, but only in moderation, and prefer liquids without the shot of glucose, THIS is the drink for you..;-P

-Matt

Appealing to my female audience...

Today, I'm going to talk about shoes...

Recently, HBoO and I went shopping in an attempt to replace my timeworn footwear. It was a bit of a sad moment for me, because this particular pair of shoes had seen so much. These were the shoes that had spanned much of our relationship, not to mention all of the adventuring in Europe. In one store, we found my shoe's clone...
Look at the new shoe on the left, proud to be fresh off the assembly line and naive to the hardships ahead. Now look at my old shoe, eight months on and it has seen the soil of four different countries and shielded my delicate feet against countless landscapes...
A feeble old man awaiting the next life standing beside a rising star of the next generation...

Or maybe it's just a shoe...

-Matt

Marking my territory...

HBoO and I were driving in the New Jersey countryside when we noticed something very peculiar positioned every few feet on the side of the road...
The following conversation ensued:

"You know what we should do?"

"What?"

"Steal one of these safety cones."

"... ... ...OKAY!!"

*pulls over*

*steals safety cone*

"I don't know if you know, but there is a stolen safety cone in our backseat."

"What if we get pulled over?"

"Then the cop will probably question us on how we obtained that safety cone. He'd say something like, 'Is there a reason why that safety cone so closely resembles the dozens of other safety cones on this road?' to which I'd reply, 'Same store?' to which he'd reply, 'Safety Cone Depot?' to which I'd reply, 'Shit yeah! Buy two get one free!'"

"..."

---

If you guys remember last entry, you'd know that we were at TCNJ but I didn't have my suitcase. That suitcase was supposed to be used to claim my bedroom in my shared house. However, I think this was much more effective...
-Matt

srs bsns...

100th blog post!!!!

Today, I'm going to show you what love is...

I woke up this morning at 6 AM. If you've been reading my blog, you know that this is much closer to a bedtime for me, but a piercing shriek stung my eardrums just as the morning sun had broken the horizon, and I suddenly found myself standing under a jet of cool water, reaching for soap through one half opened bloodshot eye. I quickly threw some things into a suitcase (still sitting in the middle of my floor from England), packed some leftover foodstuffs into a cooler, and started driving to HBoO's house. I arrived at 7:16 AM, ten minutes late, much to the chagrin of my darling sugar snuffles. I immediately sensed imminent danger as I listened intently to the orders she gave me...

"You're late. Grab my TV from the garage. No, you're suitcase won't fit. Get in the car, we need to leave."

This was not a time for arguing. We sat in silence as HBoO drove north to her house at school. Forty-five minutes and not a word. Our mission today was sentry duty at her house. The electrician was going to arrive at some point between 8 AM and 4:30 PM (no joke), and it was our job to let him in. For two and a half hours we sat on an unfurnished wooden floor. Today's heat index was a record high (106 degrees), air conditioning was nonexistent. For hours we sat around impatiently waiting. Hugs and kisses were sparse. Finally, the electrician showed up, freeing us from our piping hot prison...

The next order of business was to get lunch and buy me some shoes. We went to a sub shop, one of those Jersey-style places that are proud to prepare their food two parts grease to one part food. For some reason, it took about twenty minutes for them to prepare two sandwiches, an act that only fanned the flames. Our shoe shopping excursion proved successful, but not before a small meltdown where I was scolded for being too picky about my footwear...

We still had some time before HBoO's interview, so we stopped at Border's Books to read some stuff. We sat silently across from each other, her reading Cosmo and me the new David Sedaris memoir. For half an hour, all of my attempts to communicate epically failed, driving my morale lower and lower...

The turning point came when it was time to decide what to do for dinner. She suggested eating out at TGI Fridays which I (stupidly) opposed because of a lack of funds. I asked if she wanted to buy some ingredients and cook dinner to which she coldly responded, "No. It's no fun to cook with you!"

Silence. It took an hour to get home, and, again, not one word was spoken...

Back at her house, she gave me the cold shoulder and ran away to her basement. Even her sister knew something was up. I chased after her and an argument ensued...

"We need to talk. Tell me what's bothering you..."

"Nothing..."

*At this point she turns the TV on and starts playing guitar to avoid me. I sit in silence for a moment...*

"I'm not stupid. I know you're mad about something. Tell me..."

"I thought we were going out to eat, and then, all of a sudden, you didn't have enough money. You got my hopes up, that's it..."

"I don't think you understand my situation, I'm $1200 in debt and..."

*Her mom*

"DINNER!!!"

Saved, for now. Dinner distracted us, then she had to drive her sister to a music lesson. I sat in the back seat in silence until we got there. An attempt to resolve the situation was thwarted by a rogue fly which caused HBoO to storm off in frustration. I escaped to a bathroom where I collected myself for a few minutes before taking HBoO outside to finish our argument. It ended in tears...

At her house, we made our way to the basement to talk, when, suddenly, HBoO was doubled over in pain. She had a UTI, this one much worse than usual. Without even thinking about anything that had happened prior to that moment, I began listing options to fix the problem. Do you want me to get you some medicine? Drive you to the emergency room? Let's call the doctor. Anything. What can I do..?

I ended up driving her to the supermarket to pick up some cranberry juice and Tylenol. We joked in the aisles and I gave her lots of hugs and kisses, promising that everything would be fine. We got back to her house and she began drinking the juice as we looked up remedies on the internet. Before I knew it, we were cuddling on the couch as I assured her that she was going to be okay...

There's a lot to say about everything that happened today. Despite serious arguments, frustration, and unhappiness, there wasn't a single moment where I doubted my feelings for HBoO. She is the best thing that ever happened to me and I know that I'll be there for her when she needs me. Love transcends petty arguments and ill feelings. When the moment comes, you are there for the person you love no matter what. There's nothing that will ever be more important in life...

Love may be the most difficult part of our lives, but it's also the most rewarding. I'm proud to say that I love my HBoO..:-)

-Matt

The way dates should be...

Today was my day off from work, so I got up pretty early and drove to HBoO's house for some festivities. The weather was more than pleasant, so we hopped on some bikes and road to the nearest public park which happened to be adjacent to New Jersey's most serial killer filled forest...
Being avid fans of the horror genre, she and I knew the only logical thing to do was explore this forest without letting anybody know of our whereabouts. Soon, we were hopelessly lost in an intricately woven web of trees and underbrush. HBoO wasn't very pleased...
Facing certain death by starvation, machete, or both, I decided to climb up to the forest's canopy to see if I could spot any landmarks...
It was then that I realized that we were in a New Jersey forest. This meant that walking in any direction for more than five minutes would lead to a housing development and/or strip mall. Five minutes later, we found ourselves in a shoe store, much to HBoO's delight. While she danced with glee and tried on dozens of glittery high heels, I discovered that the couches scattered throughout the store were actually gigantic E. Coli...
It was here that HBoO had to make a very difficult decision. Would she flee from a massive unstoppable bacterium that devoured all in its path, or stick around to try on more shoes..?

After a few hours of fending off giant amoeba with my bare fists, we decided to grab some food at Wawa, my first opportunity to do so since coming home from England. Back safe at HBoO's house, we ate our delicious food and snuggled up on the couch watching Raiders of the Lost Ark...

Life doesn't get much better than that..:-)

-Matt

A new chapter...

That's it. My last picture of England. The end of my studying abroad experience. The end of an era...

For those that read this blog as a travel blog, I'm sorry to say that my next big crazy adventure won't be happening until May 2009. If this upsets you, I guess I'll see you guys in a year. For everybody else, this blog is changing gears a bit. Now, I have a day job, I'm living at home with my family, and trying to gain back all of the weight that I lost in England. Boring, I know. What am I supposed to do..? (For those out there that are screaming, "Hang out with your girlfriend all the time, dumbass!", all I have to say to that is yes..that's a good idea)...

I'm scrounging for some new material at the moment, and this is what I've come up with...
Most. Useless. Product. EVAR!!!1

They call it doggy paddling for a reason. That reason is that dogs know how to swim and don't require separate flotation devices. Guess what part of my job is? Yup, I have to try to sell these...

Well, technically, I'm a professional water testing technician/sales clerk/stocker of shelves at Piper Pools Inc, but, after seeing these, it has become my personal goal to sell them to unsuspecting customers. Let the bullshitting begin..:-)

-Matt

Technical Difficulties...

I'm home in New Jersey, but I'm having issues with my internet. I'll update again when the situation is under control. Sorry in advance, I know some of you delve hours and hours of entertainment from this are wondering if I'm alive...

Hope to update soon..:-)

-Matt