NaBloPoMo...

I know. It's been a while since I've posted. What's that? Apology accepted? Why, thank you. That was very kind...

As you can probably tell from my nifty new badge on the left, I just joined NaBloPoMo. September is my month. Thirty posts in thirty days. Wish me luck...

Oh yeah...

I've been keeping up with tons of election stuff, so don't be alarmed if the insanity of current events creeps into my posts. I promise not to rant. Other than that, next post will be September 1st, and there will be a daily entry through the end of the month. Thank you all, and goodnight..:-)

-Matt

And so it begins...

Today, classes at TCNJ are in session. My first class, Introduction to Atheism, was canceled because the professor is currently attending a conference. Wow. Good start. Either I have a professor that doesn't give a shit, or he has orchestrated a deeply symbolic lesson teaching his students that not even his own classes matter because, in the end, we are all just dust in the wind. Brilliant.

Or...

I just paid a large sum of money to sit in my underwear playing video games on Compy II all day...

...
...

..Dust in the wind. Right.

My next class, Math for Liberal Arts Majors, was really interesting intellectually stimulating boringasshitomgwtfisthepointofthis not that bad, but I have a hard time remembering the details because, on the way to campus, I saw a kid fall off of his bike. I pulled over, not to see if said small child was in need of medical attention, but because I was laughing so hard I couldn't see straight. That's a driving hazard, so I pulled over. I saved lives. I think that warrants a medal, or maybe just a key to the city. Either one's fine, I'm not picky...

Today set the tone for my senior year at college. Here I thought I would take myself seriously, perhaps buckling down to do some work. In response, I get a canceled class and a hilarious distraction. Good. This semester is going to be AWESOME..:-)

-Matt

On the campaign trail...

I'd been putting it off for a while, but today I had my first opportunity to volunteer my efforts for Barack Obama's presidential campaign. I've had prior campaigning experience, volunteering my Saturdays to phone bank and canvas for Patrick Murphy in the 2006 Congressional elections. Registering people to vote is fun and potentially hilarious, everybody should try it...

I can't say the same for Republican campaigns, as I have no experience with their side, but Democratic volunteers are laid back and time flies when you are arguing with unregistered voters about Obama's terrorist qualities...

Says an unregistered voter to a Jewish volunteer wearing a "Vote Barack Obama" pin written in Hebrew, "What the hell is that?"

"It's Hebrew, it says "Vote Barack Obama"."

"Cheebrew? Is that the language that Muslims speak."

And let's not forget the still bitter Hillary supporters. Says another unregistered voter, "Barack Obama is ARROGANT! How the hell could a guy pick some unknown guy for his running mate when Hillary has the same policies and 49% of voters want her to be there. He doesn't listen to voters, he's ARROGANT!!"

When the four of us weren't fending off the failures of the American education system, we discussed policy issues as they pertained to the local population. I found the other volunteers to be very well informed on campaign strategies, recent news, and the voting histories of BOTH candidates. The two hours I spent registering people to vote in the mall turned out to be tons of fun, not just for the unintentional hilarity, but for how cool my fellow volunteers were. So, no matter which side you support in the upcoming election, do yourself a favor and volunteer. Not only will you make a difference as an active member of your society, you'll probably have fun, too..:-)
-Matt

Beware of guard cat...

...because doors are not an obstacle...

-Matt

Spontaneity...

Yesterday, HBoO and I randomly decided to go to Grounds For Sculpture, a massive park filled with monstrous pieces of art. We stopped at the visitor's center to pick up a map before entering a small bamboo forest. After a few turns, we stumbled upon this...
As we stared in amazement, I heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning quickly, I instinctively pulled my camera upwards and snapped a photo...
GAH!!! After a few seconds I realized these cutouts were part of the piece. A few seconds that cost me a pair of clean underwear. We exited the forest and mosied on down the path where I noticed a peculiar addition to one of the sculptures. HBoO fervently insisted on my not taking a picture because, in her words, it was "GROSS AND DISGUSTING OH MY GOD GET AWAY!!!"
Frozen in terror, a petrified HBoO nearly became a sculpture herself...
Thinking quickly, I found the perfect solution to an otherwise dire situation...
With the problems of the day behind us, HBoO and I returned home, fully enriched by our experience..:-)

-Matt

The big day...

Everybody goes through this. Weeks and weeks of doing absolutely no physical activity, then, one day, it hits you...

"Ugh! I'm fucking disgusting..."

Now, I don't have the usual body afflictions. I'm skinny, so my laziness doesn't yield saddle bag thighs or cankles. It does, however, make me look like a horrible heap of skin and bone with absolutely no form whatsoever. Couple this with an extended period without shaving, and you have one unhappy person. Did I mention the smell? I have no air conditioning in August, do the math...

Suddenly obtaining a new computer with a processor and video card capable of playing Civilization IV, Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion, and Rome: Total War means I've been sitting on my lazy ass for the last couple of weeks eating Cheez-its and screaming at a series of zeros and ones. My shower called, it was lonely...

Every year, at about this time, I get the urge to start exercising. I always pick something that I'm bad at in hopes of improving myself.Two years ago, I ran laps around my campus in lieu of all the smoking. Last year, I biked several miles each morning before work because I never really rode my bike when I was a kid. This year, perhaps after being inspired by Michael Phelps, I decided to start swimming. I'm a terrible swimmer. I can float for about five minutes before my body decides that drowning is a better option than surviving. A couple of years ago, I almost died in the ocean when a riptide pulled me out to sea. Yeah, swimming is the logical choice...

Today was the big day. After putting it off for weeks, I wanted to get in the pool and start bulking up for winter so that I can get SAD and watch myself wither away. I put my bathing suit on, got in my car, and drove to campus. With my school ID in hand, I approached the door to Packer Hall and gripped the door handle. Then, I looked up...

"PACKER HALL WILL BE CLOSED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE FOR ROOF REPAIRS! SORRY FOR THE INCONVENIENCE!"

I guess I'm destined to be a hairy, smelly sack of skin and bones. Sorry, HBoO..:-/

-Matt

Everyone knows it's Butters...

"Well that's ME!"

My sister found a kitten roaming around a parking lot where she works. Now, I have a kitten. My first solo pet experience. The details of why the cat is now in my possession is, for the purposes of this blog, inconsequential. He's mine. His name is Butters, and he is the cutest thing I've ever seen. Except when he scratches. And bites. And licks my nipples in the middle of the night while I'm TRYING TO SLEEP!!!

But, seriously...
And...
And, further more...
The cat is (miraculously) housebroken, he plays with his toys, he eats properly, he does what he's told. So what if little Timmy is sobbing in a corner right now mourning his lost kitten? Finders keepers, Timmy. If you loved this kitten, you would not have let it be kidnapped! I bet you won't let Kitty #2 chase cars on the highway. Lesson learned...

Anyways, meet Butters. If all goes according to plan, I'll be LOLcat famous in no time..:-)

-Matt

Poopsicle...

A couple of weeks ago, when HBoO was on vacation in Myrtle Beach, and my finger was busted, and my cable was shut off, and my computer was crashed...

...
...

..Let me start over.

It was oppressively hot. Lying naked in a pool of my own sweat, I struggled for ideas to combat the velocity of the molecules in my house. My house was killing me, and I needed to get out.

I stumbled outside to my car, the will to survive strong in my mind. I drove to an ice cream shop and bought a root beer float. I sat down, took a sip, and a wave of cold victory washed over my being. Then, I looked up and saw this staring me...
I turned to the closest employee, "Are you aware that there is a giant turd over there?"

"What?"

"A massive piece of fecal matter wearing a sailor cap just asked me a nonsensical question."

"Um..."

"..Nevermind."

Can anybody provide an explanation..?

-Matt

Not for the faint of heart...

WARNING: The following contains bugs. Big scary ones...

I took this picture last time I stayed at my parents house...
AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


At first glance, it's pretty freakin' scary. But take a second look. It's almost as if I had opened his bedroom door around bedtime and found him poking through a certain section of the Sears catalog. You know...THAT section..*wink*

Anyways, this picture needs a caption. Whoever makes me laugh wins a prize.*

*-Prize may or may not be a simple "congratulations". Rules and restrictions apply. Prices and participation may vary. Copyright 2008.

*Gasp* I've been memed...

If anyone has been reading my comments, they'd see that Melinda, a fellow blogger, has sent me a meme. It's midnight, HBoO is passed out in my bed across the room, what the hell...

7 Interesting/Random facts about myself

1. I hate carrots. Anybody that knows me knows that I eat almost anything. Sure, I'll be the world's most douchiest douche about the quality of the food, but I'll definitely eat it. And, I love trying new foods. HBoO's parents STILL think I'm lying when I tell them that their Filipino food is delicious. Pancit? Mmm. Lumpia? Hell yes. Bitter Melon? Seconds, please. Carrots? GET THAT SHIT AWAY FROM ME!!!!

2. I've stolen more than my weight in candy bars. Ask the Newcastle Tesco Express where all of their Peanut Butter KitKats have gone. I stole at least three every day for four months. Are you a Snickers? Watch the fuck out, because, before you know it, you'll be melting in my pocket...

3. I recently flip-flopped on my dealings with sickness. Back in the day, I shunned all medicine, relying purely on the "pretend-it's-not-there" method. Bullshit. Now, I take twice the recommended dosage of all over-the-counter medication. Especially Nyquil. It works, you should try it...

4. I currently work at a Philly Pretzel Factory. It's the easiest job I've ever had. Every day, customers walk in the door and ask me what we sell. I say, "Pretzels." Occasionally, they'll add, "Do you have anything else?" To which I reply, "No."

5. I'm severely right handed. Yes, it's a real condition. If my right hand/arm becomes incapacitated, don't ask me to open a door or hold any objects for a prolonged period of time. I'm not being mean, I physically can't.

6. There is an extra wide gap between each of my big toes and the rest of them. This has prevented me from wearing sandals since puberty. Everyday, I thank God for this deformity because it means I'm incapable of becoming a bro. No popped collars for me, thank you very much.

7. Ever since dropping acid, I've gained an extreme appreciation for clouds. Often I'll stop whatever I'm doing just to stare at them for a few minutes. Don't be alarmed, I'll eventually snap out of it.

---

Now, I'm supposed to ask seven other people to do this. Why seven? I guess sleep is out of the question tonight...

-Matt

School's out for summer...

I finally have a new computer. This means that I can upload and photoshop pictures again. How liberating..:-D

I moved back to TCNJ early for several reasons. First, and foremost, I needed to get a job and establish myself in Ewing. Second, alone time with HBoO. Third, and most pertinant to this entry, I wanted to sneak on campus while nobody was around to take some artsy farts pitchahs...

So, here they are. This, for those that haven't seen it, is where I go to school (when I'm not gallivanting in England, of course)...
Here we have the TCNJ lake. I practically lived here freshman year. Not only is it a beautiful view, it's slightly isolated from the rest of campus and is, therefore, a great place to ponder...
This is the center of campus. On a normal day, 6,000+ 18-22 year olds are shuffling back and forth, either going to class or planning their next drug-fueled adventure...
The Science Complex. Many a drunken fool hath bathed in that fountain...
Here's the courtyard between the library and the dining hall. Again, completely abandoned...
No, geese! Anna Paquin does not attend TCNJ!!! Fly away home kthxbye...

Ahhh, it's good to be back. I forgot how much fun it is to write and photoshop every day. More entries to come, most likely in shorter intervals..:-)

-Matt

News of the day...

Today, August 8th, 2008, 08-08-08, an historic event has occurred...

No, not the 29th Olympiad...

No, not anything to do with Barack Obama or John McCain...

Today is a day of abortion and adoption. Compy II, it's production delayed indefinitely, was aborted. In an attempt to ease the suffering of all those involved, I decided to adopt a replacement. Ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, I'd like to present...

*drum roll*

COMPY II
Dell Studio ftw..:-)

Also, the Comcast situation has been completely resolved. For those that don't know, here's Part I and Part II...

I traveled great lengths to Comcast headquarters in Trenton, New Jersey. There, I faced a dreadfully long queue and several disgruntled employees...

"Hello, good sir. I recently had some trouble setting up the internet in my household. The wonderful people at Comcast told me, over the phone, to come here and replace this modem."

"...I doubt your problem is the modem. *scoff*"

"Nothing against you, sir, but you have absolutely no idea what you are talking about. Your associate recently rewired my whole house to ensure maximum efficiency. I've spent hours on the phone trying to establish a connection with your database. One of your very own colleagues instructed me to come here and perform this task. Now...GIVE ME MY GODDAMN MODEM!!!!"

"... ... ...*hands over new modem*"

---

Today, two great issues in my life were solved. I have a computer, and I can access the internet in my own home. Life is soooooo good..:-)

-Matt

Predicament...

Earlier this evening, HBoO and I snuck into her basement room through the secret back door. It's now 1:32 AM. I'm sitting at HBoO's desk typing this entry while she sleeps in her bed across the room. All of the lights are off, it's pitch black. I hear footsteps upstairs, no doubt her roommates getting ready for bed.

I have to pee...

There are two bathrooms, both located upstairs. HBoO's roommates are awake upstairs, neither know that I am here. If I walk upstairs, they will definetely hear my footsteps and come running with baseball bats. I would sneak out the aformentioned secret back door and do by business in the dark solitude of the backyard, but the noise will cause HBoO to stir from her slumber.

That half empty bottle is tempting...

It's going to be a very long night...

-Matt

Comcast strikes back...

A few days ago, I returned to my house and found my cable to be shut off. After everything they put me through, you'd think this wouldn't happen, but, it did. I called them. It turns out, they had revived the account of a previous resident of my house, then, when they realized the error, shut it off. Without contacting me. So I set up an account in my name. They said the installation fee would be $44. Why? I already have a cable box and a modem. I know FOR A FACT that they can do registration over the phone. But, no. They had to switch the devices because of the error.

So, on Saturday, Comcast returned to my house. For $44, they unplugged the first boxes and plugged in two new ones. This time, however, there were no computers in the house. I assured the technicians that I could handle calling the company to have them register my modem when Compy II arrived. They were in my house for twenty minutes. That's $132/hr to plug in a box...

*fills out job application*

Today, my roommate moved back in. He had a computer, so I called Comcast to register the modem. They took me through the step by step process, again, but, this time, the internet did not work. An hour of trying things in the phone technician's manual. No internet.

Says the internet technician through the phone, "I just don't know. I've never seen anything like this. I need to ask my superiors. We'll call you back at some point today." *click*

The forces of evil are stronger than ever. My armies are scattered. My best friend is frozen in Carbonite. I'm one handed. There is no hope..:-(

-Matt

I can't wait any longer, so here's some mini-book reviews...

On an average run-of-the-mill day, if I was bored, I'd go visit HBoO. We'd keep each other company for hours and hours, the time would fly by. If HBoO wasn't around, I'd use my computer to check my email, read news, watch movies, play video games, and/or listen to music while playing guitar. If, for some reason, my computer and guitar were unavailable, I'd watch TV. If there was no TV, that's okay, I would still be able to listen to music on my iPod. If, in some abstract hypothetical situation, I had none of those things, I would just go to work, spending my days earning money...

These are the things I do to entertain myself. This week, however, HBoO is on vacation. My computer crashed. Comcast (those meddling bastards) shut off my TV thanks to an error in billing. My iPod's hard drive crashed. And, to top it off, I smashed my right index finger in a car door, putting me out of work and crushing any hope of playing guitar for a couple of weeks...

...
...
...

..so this is what I've been reading...

Coraline by Neil Gaimen
A little girl named Coraline moves into a new house and discovers a secret netherworld behind a sealed doorway. After narrowly escaping, Coraline's parents become trapped in this world and it is up to her to rescue them.

Three words. Creepy (and) as (and) fuck. I believe this book was written for teens, the story is quite simplistic, but what a chilling tale. Gaimen REALLY knows how to provoke fear in the hearts of his readers. The illustrations helped...

Do yourself a favor and read this one in the middle of the day. Otherwise, expect nightmares.

Barrel Fever by David Sedaris
I read Me Talk Pretty One Day and Dress Your Kids in Corduroy and Denim before HBoO let me borrow this one. Apart from the usual hilarious memoirs, this book included a section of short fictional autobiographies taking the perspective of a cast of characters that only Sedaris could dream up. I laughed. I cried. I'm surprised that this was written before the cesspool of entertainment known as the internet came to fruition. Barrel Fever, written in 1994, was way ahead of its time.

World War Z by Max Brooks
A historical account of the zombie apocalypse from the perspective of those who survived it. George A. Romero invented the modern zombie and used his horror to present a political message. If anybody can be named his successor, Max Brooks would be on the short list. His first plunge into the world of the undead, The Zombie Survival Guide, laid out the ground rules. World War Z put those rules to the test. It passes. Throw in some healthy criticism of our society, and you have yourself a damn good book. However, it's not for everybody. Brooks takes his material very seriously, and it shows. It reads like an actual historical account, not a work of fiction, so the casual reader should stay away. But, for those that love zombies or history novels or both, World War Z is definitely worth the read.

Invisible Monsters by Chuck Palahniuk
A beautiful model gets her face shot off, her homosexual brother dies of AIDS, and a lot of other weird gross shit happens.

Everyone calls Chuck Palahniuk a shock novelist. I don't see it. Maybe it's because I spend so much time on the internet. Tubgirl? *shrug*. 2 Girls 1 Cup? Meh. I'm desensitized. Palahniuk's graphic descriptions of "felching" made me chuckle. This book is fast paced. And confusing. And strange. But that's what I expected, so I can't really complain. I'm not going to spoil it, but the ending is a revelation that makes you go, "Whoa!". But then there's another one. And another one. And another. By the last chapter, my "Whoa"'s became "WTF"'s which became *eye rolls*'s. I don't know. I liked Fight Club. Maybe it's because I saw David Fincher's movie first...

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That's all for now. HBoO comes home on Sunday, by then I'll have probably read Galapogos and Cat's Cradle by Kurt Vonnegut and Rant by Chuck Palahniuk. Compy II is still in production, so there may be some more entries like this in the future..:-)

-Matt